Surrender
by Total-Khufu
Summary: Gary spirals out of control, and he begins to lose the one true friend he's had since he was very young. As Gary pushes her away, Ella leans towards her brother, Ricky, and his best friend, Johnny Vincent for support.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, I guess it was time for a new story. This one is about Ella Pucino, whose Greaser background has little effect on her mildness. Gary's best friend from childhood, she knows more about him than most of the kids at Bullworth. Her knowledge puts Gary in defensive action. But Johnny Vincent, who had always known Ella as Ricky's little sister begins to take notice of her. Read and review please!!**

Bif was worked up, that much she could tell. Bright blue eyes screwed up like something was amiss, his hands flew through the air. He always talked with his limbs, but this time it was frantic.

"And my step-father wants me to spend winter holiday in Monaco, where he and my mother are vacationing."

"So?" She asked, focused on him.

"Well, mother wants me to broaden my horizons."

"Oh, so she wants you to dump me again?" Ella asked, raising an eyebrow. "What's so unusual about that?"

"Our annual gala is in two weeks, and she wants me to take a girl like Christy."

"Christy? What's so great about little Miss Redhead?" She demanded, catching one of his swinging hands in her own. "Is this what I think it is?"

Bif's broad shoulders bobbed into a shrug. "I have to, Ella, I _have_ to. You wouldn't understand."

"You're fucking right I wouldn't." Her voice tottered between a screech and a whimper. She sounded like Ricky Pucino's sister now, her face fierce with fury. But she wasn't completely iron, her spine felt like someone had removed the skeleton and left only the cord, leaving her frame wobbly.

"Oh, El, you know I wouldn't leave you if I wasn't being pressed. My mother is threatening to send me back to Downthresh Academy if I bring you."

"Christ, Bif." Ella replied, split between several emotions. "If that's all you had to say, I'd appreciate it if you just _left_."

He'd never seen her so openly hostile, Greaser background obvious despite her soft Aquaberry sweater and neat khaki miniskirt. It wasn't the length for school regulation, and her pale legs seemed to stretch underneath the hem of the fabric.

"Sweetheart, I can't just leave you here. It'll take you twenty minutes to walk back."

"Bif Taylor, if there's an ounce of heart in your stupid body, you will leave right now." Her famously mild manner vanished, and she covered her mouth loosely as though she weren't sure what would escape.

He tried to loop an arm around her shoulders, just to have her shrug out of it. Standing and shaking sand free, Ella had a certain fragile strength to her. Bif watched, slightly dazed, as she ducked from their secluded spot underneath the pier, then as she dashed above him, sandals clicking on the aged wooden boards. He didn't hear the sobs as she rounded up upon Shiny Bikes, looking for Ricky.

Leaning against her brother in tenements felt somehow very comforting, despite the musty smells and dilapidated atmosphere. Head upon his shoulder, she closed her eyes.

"Now remind me again why I shouldn't get every single one of my friends to knock this bastard out?" Ricky asked, voice low and caring.

"Because he's not worth it." She regretted those words, because she knew internally it wasn't true. Ella had been Bif "The Boxing Legend" Taylor's girl for six tangible months, and now she wasn't so sure what the future held. She felt like she lost a lot of time to the auburn headed boy, but Ella wasn't ready to _regret_ him just yet. A strong regard for him still echoed in her chest.

Ricky didn't answer for a long time. "Have you told Gary yet?"

"I came straight for you. I was right by the bike shop and luckily you happened to be there."

She could feel the vibration of his laugh. "Just like a big brother should be. I must've felt something bad was going to happen, unconsciously of course. Got it there, chief?"

"Got it there, chief." It was an old inside joke, whenever their mother needed either sibling to understand something quickly, she jabbed a "Got it there, chief?" at whoever was listening.

Ricky and Ella weren't complete siblings and there wasn't a great difference between their ages either. Ricky was barely ten months older, and even though his father wasn't the same as Ella's, there wasn't much that was able to separate the pair, even Ella's collection of Aquaberry.

She went to Bullworth on scholarship. Ricky went there because his paternal grandmother pitied him, because she felt the need to pitch in where her son didn't. It scared Ella to think that Ricky was becoming more and more delinquent every day. Sometime she thought he did it just to cement the distance between their personas, the good one and the bad one. But Ricky was still the best big brother she could ask for, even if he'd stepped into trouble one too many times.

"Want to stay with me and Johnny for a night?" Ricky asked, elaborating. "Johnny wouldn't mind, he's still crazy over Lola."

Ella faintly smiled, remembering Gord's similar habit. Gord's ego was so blown he'd challenged Bif more than a few times at the boxing ring, but Bif had beaten him enough that Gord didn't ask for it anymore.

"No, I think I'm going to just go back to the girl's dorms."

"No more Harrington House?" Ricky mocked her, just gently enough to make her grin.

"I don't think I'm welcome there anymore. Besides I was never hung around anyone there besides Bif and sometimes Parker, when he wasn't being annoying, but that was only once in a while."

"Maybe you should find some female friends."

"Like Lola?"

"No, but someone that you won't fall for. Isn't that what happened with Bif? And before him Justin, and nearly Parker, right?"

Ella smacked him softly. "That's a generalization."

"That's a fact."

"What about Gary?" She asked, wanting to take it back.

"You couldn't force Gary to go out with you. You're close friends, stemming from childhood, but he wouldn't date you. Gary does whatever he wants."

She sighed in agreement. "I'd better get back to school. Where's the closest bus stop from here?" Ella asked, standing.

"You mean you don't remember? I'm so disappointed." His voice made her turn, and she truly regretted this action.

Johnny Vincent stood; leaning back, weigh above his left hip. He looked worn, but still himself. Maybe it had to do with all that extra time he'd been spending with Lola, who nearly hated Ella even though she'd never really done anything to deserve it.

"Hey Johnny." It was weak, but she wanted to leave, she didn't want to be played with, which was what Johnny always did. He manipulated her easily and Ricky never seemed to notice.

"It's down three block and to the left." Ricky replied, greeting who could probably be considered his closest friend. "I was just counseling the little one."

"I can see. I guess you're leaving us. Meeting one of your Preppies, huh?"

"I've actually got a lot of work to do before tomorrow, so I was going to head back to the girl's dorms."

Johnny smirked. "Not adventurous to stay with me and your bro?"

"No, not stupid enough. I've got to go, or I'll miss the next bus." Turning to Ricky, "Thanks for the advice. Love you and see you during chemistry!"

Ricky waved her off before telling Johnny how they were going to ruin the Taylor family's annual winter gala.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews guys! I have a few more chapters written out but I have to go out for an early mother's day dinner! Maybe another chapter tonight?? Sorry it's so short- for some reason I can't make it break in the middle so from now on the chapters are going to be shorter- but more frequent! Read and review!**

Ella perched on her bed, Gary propped up on the floor. She had the room all to herself, roommate-wise, if you didn't count the nights when she locked the door to keep Mrs. Peabody out and let Gary sleep on the extra bed.

There was an open statistics book slowly falling from her hands as Ella fell more exhausted. Gary still didn't know the reasons for the tear tracks on her cheeks, but he didn't ask. He'd find out somehow, but judging by the way she threw her cashmere Aquaberry sweater into the laundry without any explanation, he figured it had something to do with Bif.

"How was your outing this afternoon?" Gary asked, and Ella barely glanced at him.

"You're such a sneaky bastard," She sighed, turning over to face his spot on the carpet. "It went really terribly, and I don't really want to talk about it."

"I assumed you didn't, but I had to try, right? Need me to stay over, or do you want the room to yourself?"

"No, because I got a rash of shit from the Mrs. Peabrain the last time she caught you sneaking through the attic before breakfast. I would rather not get the 'lovers-meetings are not for school grounds' lecture again." Ella replied, trying to sum up some of her usual humor, but it kept falling flat. Gary didn't hold it against her.

"Want to sleep in the boy's dorms then?"

"Not really. I just want a nice night's sleep, even though tomorrow is Monday and I have chemistry first thing. And the smell of hydrochloric acid is not the greatest after Edna's favorite breakfast foods of last spaghetti night's hot sausage and fried rotten egg."

"Hey, is that new kid in any of your classes?"

Ella shrugged. "I don't know. I think maybe my chemistry, maybe English. Why?"

"Actually, I wanted to invite _him_ to sleep over." When Ella didn't respond with a snide comment about his sexual orientation, he continued, "I was just wondering. He's getting sacked by the bullies every time I see him around."

"Well, what's so different about that?" She asked, flipping back onto her bed.

Gary was quiet, as if trying to access this information. As Bif's untouchable girlfriend and as Ricky Pucino's precious sister, Ella had her way at Bullworth. She might not have the reigns of either faction, but she was a common point between them. However, if Taylor had actually done anything to upset her, that was going to upset the semi-peace that had accumulated over the summer. That might be interesting.

"If anything happened between you and Bif, you know you can tell me."

"I would, if I thought it was important."

Gary frowned. Usually Ella was quick to report anything wrong, but this time she was holding tight with whatever information she held. It bothered him to see that pale face still streaked with the sticky remnants of tears.

Lifting himself onto the tiny twin mattress, she was still posed over her textbook, but one hand was stuffed between her teeth, as though to keep whatever sobs she had still in her away.

"Hey, hey, hey, babe, let's not chew on our knuckles. That'll hurt worse than whatever that idiot Bif Taylor's done to you. Maybe he's taken to one too many shots to the head."

"Don't call him an idiot. He _is _my ex-boyfriend, after all." She said, then explained that entire afternoon.

Ella was finally napping, her head soft against his arm. With her body cupping his, it was almost like Bif Taylor wasn't her boy of choice, but rather Gary Smith. Ella laughed when she told him the part where Ricky told her Gary'd never love her, which nagged at him in an unpleasant way. It was like she believed it, and she assumed Gary did too.

He'd locked the Peabrain out nearly an hour ago, when the fall sun started to set into those foreboding clouds, the ones that said that tomorrow was going to be rainy and cold. Once her eyelids had started to close, Ella drew herself close to Gary, as though he did love her, and she knew about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Read and review!!**

It was a quarter past six the next morning when Ella brushed the hair from Gary's forehead. He must've thought she needed some serious comforting, or he would have retreated into the other bed, which was cleaner anyhow, since nobody slept in it every night. He didn't set her normal alarm, which would've woken her up nearly a half-hour ago, but she wasn't annoyed.

His sleeping form was peaceful, more peaceful then she'd seen him in a long time. But that scar playing across his skin that was still tan from summer sun set a fine sort of malice ablaze in his face, she could almost see his coarseness seeping from that poor little pink-pale line. Every time his spit his cat-call of 'Femme-boy' at Pete Kowalski, who'd never been more than stubbornly shy and nice to anybody at Bullworth, she saw Gary's cruel words and actions crawl out of that scar like maggots, ready to swallow anything.

"Good morning." He whispered, voice coarse from sleep. His consciousness surprised her, but she smiled.

"Did I wake you?"

"I felt you move, no worries." Gary replied, stretching. She had to have slept on his right arm all night, and she apologized.

"Sorry, Gar. I was exhausted."

"I know, don't worry." He repeated his prior assurance, flinching as she brushed her fingers across his face.

"Stop, I just want to see."

Ella's hand pressed against the scar, which sliced across his eyebrow, almost cutting his eyelid. "Interesting?" He asked, and she caught his hitched breathing.

"Does it hurt?" Her voice was hushed, awed, as though exploring Gary's tiny spot of hurt was possibly the most fascinating activity she'd ever pursued.

"Not now," He replied, eyes closing with the pressure that her tiny tendrils of fingers made. "It's soothing. I might just drift back to sleep."

"It's early anyway." Ella assured him, shimmying closer to him. His back was against the wall and Gary was starting to feel uneasy.

"Don't you have to primp yourself before class?" Meanness seeped slowly from the scar, just a warning, in case she did something stupid. He should get ready.

"No, I don't. I don't have anyone to impress." She couldn't stop that indignant tone from invading her voice. It infected her, much like Bif had infected her, and Parker before him, and even before Parker was Justin. Preps were like an epidemic in Ella's life, and she couldn't stop it from spreading. Who else was left? Skip Derby and head for the jocks?

"Oh, because big brawny Bif has left our heroine hanging?" Gary was sneering in that way that he always did, as if propositioning her to carry on this battle further.

Ella just shrugged and pushed on his chest, his shoulder blades grazing the wall. "Go back to fucking bed. I'm going to shower, since you're being such a prick."

"Fine. See you later?" It was maybe him conceding, but Ella wasn't ready to accept it.

"I don't know. I have a really busy day ahead." She slammed her door behind her, striding to the showers.

No one was up to interrupt the satisfying sound of beads of water colliding with slick tile, to swirl the suds slowly slipping underneath the shower door. Gary Smith would be across the yard by now, sleeping in his own bed in the boy's dorm or picking on Petey, who was unlucky enough to share a room with him. Oh Christ, poor Pete, Ella must've set a rash of shit on him. She made a promise to be extra nice to him in chemistry, where Peter would gently prod her in the right direction, so that Watts wouldn't catch her without an answer to his questions. Oh God, what had Ella done.

Gary was the most peaceful when he was sleeping. When he and that awful scar were asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

This one is a bit longer- I finally figured out how do those stinkin' breaks

**This one is a bit longer- I finally figured out how do those stinkin' breaks! Thanks for the reviews! You know the routine, read and review!**

Gary eyed her during Statistics class. Ella clearly understood what Hattrick scrawled across the chalkboard, but she was slumping and having a decidedly distracted conversation with Ted, who shared a desk with her. Gary took out his phone- the only gift he'd ever gotten from anyone that cost more than twenty bucks. Ella had rationalized it easily, shrugging her shoulders.

_"Well, I can never find you anyway, so I figured that a cell phone would be the best way to keep track of you during the summer." _

_"And who's going to pay the bill?" He retorted, looking over the expensive piece of plastic. _

_"You are." She stated. "I charged it and everything already. And look at your background. It's me, so that every time you use it, you think of me. Because there's no other way to force it." _

_"Thanks." He said, looking her over. She seemed shy and off-kilter. _

_"Happy Birthday, Gar. Have a fabulous summer and save some time for me." _

He grinned without thinking about it, furiously hitting numbers.

**Hows jock boy?**

**Hes just enthralling. **

**R u mad me?**

**I havent decided. **

**O. **

**Thats it?**

**Wat?**

**I just assumed u were going further. **

**Well i wasnt. **

**Stop txting me. **

**Y?**

**Gary! I cant pay attention. **

**B/c im such a hottie? **

She didn't answer but he was glad because he wanted the last word. It irked her, and she turned deeper in her conversation with Ted, cell phone tucked deep in her fancy backpack.

At lunch she was tucked deep in a corner with her brother. Ricky didn't dislike Gary, per se, but luckily he was more concerned with Bif at this moment to pay any mind to him.

"Ah, no more Aquaberry." Johnny Vincent sighed into the seat across from Gary, his fine features set alight by Ricky's mild little sister.

"Shut up," Ella answered, rolling her green eyes, which were only improved by the flush of mascara swiped on her lashes.

What an improvement, Gary remarked, wanting to tug at the tight curls that were not wrangled straight by whatever sort of hot iron she used every other morning. In fact, he sort of forgot what she looked like with curly hair. Ella caught him staring, and glared, as if warning him to glance somewhere else. She was _not_ in the mood.

Both Greasers seemed to tower over her, which Gary had never really noticed before. Ella was average height at best, average everything, waist, whatever. But that hair set her apart, it was what made Gary take that secretive second look across her face, which crinkled in delight whenever Ricky was around. Gary sort of envied the siblings, who were more like twins. Ella did best in pairs, actually. First with Ricky, then with Gary, and before yesterday, with Bif.

But hadn't she forgotten about Gary when Bif was in Ella's perfect little picture of a life? Big ol' Bif was twenty times more important than Gary, and he still was, judging by that wistful little gaze over at the table filled with baby blue sweaters and khaki pants and Hollywood hair.

It sort of made him hate her.

But then again, it definitely made him hate Bif Taylor even more.

Gary was always fucked whenever Ella formed a third pair, because apparently there was only room for two.

**_&oooo&_**

Ella avoided Bif's awkwardly open stare and glared at him, but it accidentally hit Gary instead, making the dark-headed boy bow into his lunch. It wasn't like Gary unless the meds were putting him a bad mood, which seemed to be everyday lately.

Ella couldn't help thinking that if things got even worse, then Gary might start treating her like anybody else at Bullworth. The only reason why Ella and Gary got along was because they had so many years of practice at it. They both grew up in New Coventry- even though Gary _didn't like to talk about where he fucking grew up, alright, just forget it_. He hated to talk about the dirty but charming streets where they'd played tag and hide and seek. Because Ella had to remember that Gary's life was just not when they played until dusk set in and they had to find their ways open solely from memory because it was too dark to see any street signs.

Ella thought she'd kill his fucking mother. With her bare hands, which Gary always told her didn't have enough strength knead clay in art class. Ella didn't care.

What a fucking bitch. She'd murder her in premeditated cold blood, and she wouldn't care. Ella would growl at her, becoming that tiger that Gary always said laid dormant within her mouse exterior.

_Look what you've done_. It would be chilly and accusing and then Ella would grab the old woman by her throat and scream at her. She'd tell her that she may have fucked Gary up in any way possible, physically, mentally, emotionally especially, but he was still there somewhere. _And you're not going to fuck with him anymore, that's for fucking sure_. _And even if you've found religion, the bottle in still hard in your soul and the drugs' effect is still printed against your aged skin, and I'm not ever going to let you back into Gary's life ever again_. And she'd kill her. Ella didn't know if Gary would be appreciative, whether he actually hated his mother or loved her in a required and embarrassing way.

Thinking about this made her mouth set straight in a line and made her exceptionally furious. But Ricky was able to coax her out of it.

"I told Christy that she was a slut during Gym." Her brother confessed, which made her smile.

"I did too," Johnny replied, shrugging. "I figured it was appropriate."

"Well, thanks, but I'm pretty positive that's not going to change Bif's mind." Ella answered, peeling off two nearly moldy pieces of bread and exposing some foul-smelling turkey. She sighed, and put the disassembled sandwich back on the tray.

"Is that what you want?" Gary asked quietly, causing both boys to look at him, eyebrows raised.

Ella was quiet for a few minutes. "No. It isn't. Give me a week and I'll be fine, I promise. Back on the market and all that fucking bullshit."

Ella only let her famously mild manner slip when she was with her brother or when she was really pissed.

"That's all well and good, but I'm still going to mess that preppie up. They've been deserving a good beating for a while." Ricky proclaimed, unconsciously flexing his fists.

"Don't drag me into it," Ella warned. "If you attack them, you'd better have a good reason."

"Baby, you _are_ a good reason." Johnny said quietly, just so that four of them could hear, but barely.

Ella couldn't estimate the speed with which Gary darted his head to catch a glimpse of Johnny. Gary wasn't defensive of anyone beside himself, and maybe he was surprised that Johnny would be so willing to jump up in Ella's honor. Or maybe it was that unnecessary pet name that he'd basically stolen from Gary's arsenal of pretty words he used to get his way.

But Ella really just thought that Johnny wanted to pick a fight. Maybe Gary did too, judging by his screwed up grey-brown eyes and the disgusted slack to his mouth.

The bell rang and Johnny was free from Gary's hurtful mouth. Thank God.

She just wished the doctors would find the right meds for him and he'd go back to normal.


	5. Chapter 5

**New chapter! I thought Gary might be a little OOC in this chapter, but whatever. Thanks for the reviews! Please read and review!**

A month passed. Ella hadn't spoken of or to Bif and the Greasers had increasingly bullied the preppies, but no more than usual. This made Gary remember that it was _Monday_ night, and that he still hadn't taken that cute yellow pill yet. He took all the others, but that canary capsule, as he liked to call it, was for Sunday morning. Shit. Tuesday morning, then. Once a month. A huge horse sized pill. He didn't feel fucked up without it, but didn't want Nurse MacRae to have anything extra, because she would call Drs. Carter and Carter, who would change his daily regiment of pills even more. She might have already called, he already was two whole days late.

Fuck. It was the only word in his mind with any meaning as his thoughts turned before sleep. Fucking Johnny Vincent. What a _fucking_ wizard with words. It made him want to hurt someone, and he made his mind up to find someone tomorrow and torment them. Without Ella's knowing of course, because then she wouldn't talk to him for a whole week. And in Gary's current state, he just wasn't ready for her to push him out of her little viewing window.

When his alarm growled dryly for him to get up, Gary's throat was immediately dry. The doctors said the side effects would stop once his body got used to them, but it would get worse before it got better. What a lie, all doctors said that. It never got better.

Within an hour and a half, he was bent over the last toilet in the bathroom; stomach and intestines feeling like hands were kneading his organs for some sort of gruesome bread. It hurt. It _hurt_. Canaries were sweet like Ella, but this canary pill tore him apart. The first time Gary took the medicine he tossed his cookies and spent five minutes above the toilet in the doctor's office. The second was ten minutes and every time after was exponentially longer. The only relief was the cool porcelain against his ragingly hot forehead.

It was like having the worst flu you've ever imagined in the course of several hours. The chemicals in his brain might be regulating, but the rest of his body wanted to die. To crumble and never reassemble. Canary pills were the only things that had made him cry in several years. Even when Ella blew him off for whatever boy she was fucking around with, he didn't feel as terrible as he did now.

The hours crawled, and he counted the last bell of the school day. Truancy. Fuck that. He was dying but he was going to get written up for truancy. Gary, you're being a bad boy! Like he hadn't heard that a million times before.

He did cry once before though. That's true. During the summer, during those two week at Happy Volts. Drs. Carter and Carter thought it best after his last episode. Two weeks of crazies and orderlies. Two weeks where he didn't see anyone that he _wanted _to see. His grandfather went on that fishing trip by himself. And Ella?

Well, who wants to visit their best friend at the loony bin?

It was the only time in his life when he hated anybody. He couldn't say that he'd always been there for her, but it probably wasn't true. Maybe he deserved it. But everyone else was thirty times more insane than Gary and they got tons of visitors. He doubted Ella that entire summer. Even when they met after his little stint and she acted like he'd never been there.

He hated her then.

Gary heard her voice in the hallway.

"Hey, Trent, you seen Gary?"

"I didn't. You ask Pete yet?"

"Yeah. He's not in his room."

Somehow, in her infinite wisdom, she'd found him in that last stall.

"Gar? You in there?"

He could barely spittle out a, "Yeah. I'll unlock it."

His eyes couldn't focus but Gary heard her knees collide shockingly with the floor.

"Christ, what is wrong?" It might have been accusing but her tenderness oozed.

"It's... just the... meds." He couldn't breathe and speak at the same time.

Shivering at she pushed a tiny hand through his hair; she was splayed so openly against the blue tile that he could've seen up her skirt, if he tried. But he didn't, just rested his head against her gentle shoulder.

"Have you been here all day?" She asked, her mouth buried somewhere in the crook of his neck.

He nodded, but to her, it could have been either a nod or a shake of his cold-sweat head. Letting out a tearless sob, it caught her attention.

"Hey, darling, it's going to be okay." The pads of her thumbs brushed the dirty tear tracks and he couldn't think.

He despised being so weak, but he felt as though he were dying. And Ella was never the on to harp upon something, she would likely never mention this ever again, unless prompted. It was just how she was.

"You don't have to be here." His throat felt like it was going to tear with such a long sentence.

"I know. There are plenty of things I could be doing. But I don't care about those things like I care about you."

Shit. Ella Pucino, a _fucking_ wizard with words.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Wow. I have not updated this in a long time. Which is silly, because I have a lot written. Like a ridiculous amount. So, in reality, I probably wrote these chapters at least two years ago. Also, I had to separate the POVs with their names- which I didn't like doing but the formatting I had didn't hold. Oh well. Thanks for reading, and please review!**

_Ella_

The next day at lunch was just the two of them, and she didn't speak about it. She barely looked at him, just spun her fork in her wilted salad. Edna was never one for fresh greens.

"Did you do the art homework?" Gary asked, but she didn't immediately answer.

"I read through the book, but I doubt it's going to help. I try to paint like Monet and it ends up looking like cubism." Ella replied, shaking her head. "I'm not like you."

Gary waved that comment away. "And I'm no artist either, and I'm no scholar."

"Figures." Ella said, looking at his mangled lips.

"What's on your mind?" Gary asked finally, reaching across the table.

"You know, but I'm not going to bring it up."

If she mentioned it further, he would have a fit. Poor Petey, he had to face Gary after he woke up from his stupor. Ella had finally wrangled Gary into his bed, where he promptly slumbered. He had to be pissed as hell that she witnessed that, he was _Gary fucking Smith_ and he didn't take shit from anyone. Nobody was as smart or strong as him, and he hated to be found lacking. Especially when it was Ella, who he liked to sometimes bully.

"You have a scholarship here? Christ, they must let any Greaser with average grades in this school." Gary went back to her art grade. Ms. Phillips tried, bless her soul, tried to make it easier for Ella, but it wasn't.

"I'm not a Greaser, and you know that."

"You're Ricky's sister. You look just like him. You're a Greaser."

"You're an asshole, Gary."

"Tell me something I haven't heard."

She spent her freshman year at Downthresh Academy, a fancy-named public school in Bullworth. She got straight A's that year, and it wasn't hard, as long as you showed up everyday and did most of the homework and maybe spoke once in a while during class, you were golden. That's when Bullworth offered to scoop her up, full scholarship and everything.

She wasn't worth it.

"Oh, are you going to pout now?" Gary prodded, smirk evident on his face.

"I'm thinking, a practice that you obviously have not perfected."

Gary sneered, shrugging. Her comments didn't bother him, so she didn't know why she tried in the first place.

"Oooh, Gary, blowing chunks in the bathroom again? What are you, bulimic?" It was Davis from another table.

"I might be, but at least I'm not all brawn and no brain." Gary spit back.

"Yeah, but a guy like you can't handle a girl like that. Why don't you pass her on to me?"

Ella didn't know that she'd magically floated to Davis and had his shirtsleeve bunched in her right hand.

"Do you know who you're talking to?" She spit it at him, dark jade eyes narrowed. Her behavior left Gary a little dumbfounded.

Davis sputtered, "Jeez, Ella. I was just joking."

"You fuck around with my friends, you're fucking around with me. And when you fuck around with me, you're fucking around with Ricky. And when you fuck with him, you get all the Greasers. You want that, Davis? Or should _I_ just kick your ass right now?"

"Sit down, Pucino or you'll have a date with Crabblesnitch." It was one of the prefects.

"Just let me handle my battle, and peace will be restored."

That was the wrong thing to say.

"Pucino, you do realize that if you step out of line, your scholarship is up for review. And with your rather average grades, I don't think you'll keep it, no matter whom you're related to. Especially considering whom you're related to."

Fabric dropped, Ella shrugged indifferently. "And like that would be a real fucking tragedy."

She stormed out, to the girl's dorms. The prefect didn't follow, and neither did Gary.

Ella didn't know why she ever expected the latter.

Gary Smith was always a fucking letdown.

_Gary_

Ella, Ella, Ella. What a crazy girl she was turning out to be. When September came around she was quiet and tentative but now she was super defensive and it was nearly the middle of October. But only when it came to Gary. Oh, he'd definitely have to confront her about that.

It was be quite thrilling to say the least.

He skipped bio to visit her at the girl's dorms, because MacRae would write them both nurse's notes, Gary's because he could lie and say he felt a little insane and Ella's for PMS. They weren't outright lies, at least _his_ wasn't.

"Antonella Pucino, please tell me you aren't moping."

When she didn't leap up scratching at that Gary's obvious jab, he knew something was amiss. Ella never let anybody call her that, not her mother or her stepfather. Ella's father named her and she didn't want to be associated with anyone that didn't had left her without a second thought. _Fuck that. You didn't want me to begin with and I sure as shit don't want your name_. Pucino was the stepfather's last name, the only stand-up father figure Ella had ever known.

"Please don't tell me you're crying." Gary whined, rolling his eyes. Trademark, he thought. Sure to pull her out of it.

"I'm not now." Ella puffed, showing her reddened face from underneath a heavy pile of curls.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Wrong with me? What's with up with you? After six months, I finally find out that you spend every Sunday afternoon bent over a toilet bowl. Except last Sunday, since yesterday was Tuesday."

"So? It's not a big deal." Play it off and she'll just dig deeper. She normally wouldn't, but this was different. This was a _Grade-A_ big deal.

"I cannot believe that you wouldn't tell me about that!"

"And what would you do? Act like mother goose and nurse me through it every time?"

"I don't know! I just can't believe you wouldn't tell me!"

"I don't need to tell you about every aspect of my life, you know."

"I realize that, but this was huge. It just makes me feel like an idiot."

"And just while we're arguing, I can fight my own battles. I don't need The Mouse to threaten bullies for me." He ignored her, staring at her trembling frame.

She was shrieking. Beautiful animal sounds stretching into human words. "I'm worried about you, Gar. I couldn't help it, not after yesterday."

"Oh, Ella. I'm a big boy." Patronizing. It would piss her off even more.

"You were crying!" She realized that was a mistake and hung her head. Gary didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted to sooth her and the other wanted to tear her limb from limb. _Kill her_, the voice demanded. He saw crimson already.

"Where was this concern during the summer?"

"What are you talking about?"

"At Happy Volts! You didn't come visit me at all!"

"Happy Volts is really far away from where I live, and you know that I would have been there if there was anyway I could've gotten there."

"Don't lie to me. You betrayed me." It was a big admission but she didn't sway.

"And you're going to lie and say that you actually wanted me to be there when you were all drugged up and weak? You'd never have let me see you." She was right, at least partly. He needed one person to care about him and now he wanted it to be her. He wanted it more than anything in the world. And she did, she cared after the fact but he was apathetic. He wanted her to accept him more than he wanted to be normal again. If he kept pressing at her, she'd leave. He loved to hurt himself. Masochism and sadism, it was the Gary Smith way.

"I would have, they don't give the patients a choice about those things. They might have sedated me, but I still know that you abandoned me for two weeks because you were too cowardly to deal with it."

"I didn't abandon you. I never would." She tried to plead, butterflies fluttering from her mouth, asking for forgiveness.

"Fuck you, you're just a stupid bitch." It was a smack so deafening that Gary thought his eardrums ruptured.

"Can I ask you a question?" Ella inquired after several minutes of quiet.

"Go ahead."

"When did we stop being friends?"

Gary didn't answer it. He was torn between two replies.

_A long time ago. _The devil on his shoulder.

_ Please don't say that. I need you more than you know. _The angel was chained inside a trunk deep within the devil's lair. It was the most the angel ever got to say.

The fucking devil ruled Gary Smith and he was fully aware of it.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Another chapter!**

_Ella_

Ella didn't know how he'd left, for her life she couldn't remember if she'd simply screamed at him to get out or whether he did it on his own accord. Knowing Gary, he left on his own.

Always alone.

She couldn't believe that she'd thought he considered her a good friend. Ella was so wrong, and it made her want to suffer. In a way she wanted the crying Gary back, the Gary that buried his head in her shoulder and swiped his dry lips across her neck when he spoke. The Gary that bundled up with her in bed, his hands loose on her hipbones and their foreheads pressed gently together. She wanted Gary to be young again so that she could steer him away from everything that would cause this. She'd prevent the scar, and she could prevent evil. But time travel didn't exist and even if Gary didn't love or even like Ella, he loved his mother and Ella could never keep her away from him.

Go to Ricky, one voice prodded.

Do not talk to your brother or Gary will be dead within the hour.

The voice that cajoled her loudest was the first. She didn't hate Gary, not at all. She just felt empty. You always feel empty when someone that you care about and that you think cared about you just as much actually has the emotional range of a bowl of Edna's chicken and rice soup.

She never thought she regretted Bif, because the situation with Bif was infinitely different. In a romantic relationship, you went in with the expectation that maybe there was the chance that your partner wouldn't echo your attention. And by the time that Bif came around, Ella had already practiced being letdown romantically twice. With a prep, it was always the same. You just weren't good enough.

That stung, to know that somebody else thought you had no _worth, _they didn't want to _waste_ their time on _you_. Ella knew the stress on every word. If it had to do with values, it dripped with disdain that wrung your soul of self-esteem. But she knew what that felt like. It was minor, over quickly, and after that you paid no mind to it.

But in a platonic relationship, it wasn't like that. Losing a platonic relationship was like being hit over the head with a steel chair. It was like someone jamming the heel of their hand into the bridge of your nose. It's not that the person doesn't want to hug or kiss or hold you, it was that the person simply didn't want to _know _you anymore. There are no benefits to losing a platonic relationship. It's not like the person was a really bad kisser or he always wore his dirty school slacks on a date. It's a waste of time. Losing romance, you learn a lesson. You know whom to distrust, who you should've given a greater chance, plus what you did wrong and you get to take those lessons and try again. Obviously there's the same opportunity platonically, but it's not the same. You don't learn anything outside yourself. You see your own flaws on blunt display. It's like someone grabbing you by throat and saying, _you fucked up, pal, and how! _

You ached forever. Your head ached from the slap of metal against flesh and your busted nose made it difficult to breathe again.

You started from scratch. Lesson unlearned, you repeated the familiar customs of creating friendship.

And for Ella, it really was scratch. She only had her brother now. Her brother and maybe Johnny Vincent, who was more interested in making out with Lola than with being friends with Ricky's sister.

Adoration also blinded you. Whatever leftover doting behavior from that relationship covered your eyes with a sweet pink handkerchief. Losing friendship sharpened your vision so that you saw everything.

Did she abandon him? Ella wanted to blame everything on Gary but she didn't. She held herself responsible for everything. Always. Her life was in her hands and nobody else's.

Gary had that scar since eighth grade.

So, in her calculation, they'd been sharing a lie for four years. Freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. Okay, not exactly four, since they were only a month into their senior year, but it didn't matter. Bullworth had no point now. Gary was the only reason that she wanted to go. Her best friend Gary went to Bullworth.

Her acquaintance Gary goes to Bullworth.

Acquaintance was a big mouthful of a word that she didn't want to handle. It scraped against her teeth and burnt her tongue with its acid. She had so many _acquaintances _but no actual friends now. Knowing everyone but lacking closeness was worse than being completely alone. People here would always talk to her, they might even eat lunch together, but they'd never go further than that. Ella might date but she knew there was no hope for anything more. She'd given up. Her life was like carrying a wet toddler in your arms, slick and wriggling so it was difficult to keep a hold on. You couldn't drop it in case the kid got hurt, but it wounded you with its flying fists and sharp feet. So what's worse? Complete structural collapse or covering up the ugly parts with whatever you had handy, whether it be a coat of paint or an old picture? Ella couldn't answer that.

Ricky was right.

Gary could never fall in love with her.

Gary probably never did love her to begin with.

Four years felt like such a _long_ time.

_Gary_

The third strike against his cheek really began to fucking hurt. Gary's eye doubled in size and he didn't know whether to fall down or hit back. Ricky Pucino was a rabid animal, foaming at the mouth. Absolutely livid.

"You like making my sister cry?"

"Ever thought of a breath mint, pal? And Ella did it to herself. She can't blame me." Gary croaked, half pleading and insulting.

"You've got her so brainwashed, it's disgusting." Johnny Vincent jumped in, his eyebrow ring glittering in the afternoon light.

Gary was freezing. It was November and pouring and all he wore was his blue button down that was soaked into his skin. But Johnny's idea was fascinating. Brainwash? Gary was beginning to think himself capable of more than he gave himself credit. He'd already looped an arm around Jimmy Hopkins neck and started to plant ideas in Russell's head. But Ella? That was something else, indeed.

What a genius, really.

"If we three keep hanging out like this, people are going to think that _this_ is something it isn't."

"You act like she has no backbone." Ricky ignored him and grabbed Gary by the Adam's apple.

"It's not my fault she doesn't have any coping mechanisms. What, is she still weeping over losing her only friend? What a fucking loser."

Two weeks ago he wouldn't have said that. But now he was off his meds and he wasn't sure who was the true enemy, these two bullying creeps or the girl who drew them towards Gary like puppets. To give Ella credit, she was incredibly frank with herself. She probably knew she was spineless, especially now that she didn't have Gary to defend. How idiotic. She couldn't defend herself, what made her think that _he _needed her help?

"Are you going to apologize to her? To us?" Johnny chirped, his leather shoulder poking Gary in the chest.

"No. I'm not. And Christ, you think you could buy any cheaper leather? You just reek of white trash. No wonder the preppies dumped your sister, she smelled like your little clique and it made them sick to their stomachs."

"Tell her you're sorry."

"It won't be genuine."

"I don't give a shit." Ricky retorted, increasing the pressure against his throat.

"Ella would know. It's not even worth it."

"You're such an asshole. I realize that you'd never consider thinking about someone besides yourself, but for once? For Ella?" Johnny asked. "How long have you known each other?"

"I don't think she ever really _knew_ me. Or she would never have dared get so close." Gary spit, feeling lightheaded. He could barely breathe, and Ricky didn't readjust his hand.

"That's it, dickweed. I can't deal with you anymore."

Ricky dropped him hard, and doubled up in order to deal another blow. But at the moment that Gary's old worn loafers hit the gravel, he pushed away.

And ran.

His ankle hurt from landing on it funny, so his jog was more of a skip, but he didn't care. As long as he made it to Bullworth Vale, he was fine. Two Greasers on their lonesome wouldn't venture into Prep territory without backup. Alongside him, a younger Bullworth student pedaled around him.

"Hey, kid!" Gary called, tired and wet from the rain and his own warm sweat.

The boy slowed and turned to look at him. "Yeah, Gary?"

"I need your bike."

"I don't think that's a good idea. I just got it for my birthday and my mom would be awful mad."

"I don't give two shits if your mom beats you for it." Gary growled, watching as the kid gently leapt off the seat.

He thought about getting hit by one's own parent. Gary made amends. "It'll be parked by the front gate in an hour. I suggest you wait there if you don't want it to get stolen."

The kid nodded as Gary sped off. At least with the bike he only needed to pedal with one foot, the other was free to hang and _throb_. He didn't think he broke it, but maybe he'd tape it once he got back to the dorms.

Bullworth Vale was blindingly filled with Aquaberry. Even the babies crawling across lawns donned the familiar baby blue, only it was in a jumper. Everyone ignored Gary, as though he were nothing more than a common passerby. Oh, they'd take that back soon enough, he thought, as he passed by a navy-blue Bullworth sweatered girl alongside an Aquaberry.

Ella.

Derby Harrington? What a choice.

He didn't want to turn because then maybe she'd assume Gary had been thinking about her, which he hadn't been doing much of. The less he imagined her the more plotting he was able to get done. But as he stopped taking the meds and their effects lessened, his conscience was folded smaller and smaller.

But the Devil inside Gary slipped and the Angel was able to manually turn his head. She looked like old Ella, hair in a ponytail, jeans paired with a heavy sweater to combat the cold. The pair huddled underneath a large golf umbrella, no doubt one of Derby's souvenirs from the country club.

He heard someone shout and he narrowly avoided a car and instead jumped the curb. Gary was too big for the bike, which tipped over and splayed him across rain-slicked concrete.

She didn't even look at him.

Maybe his eye was too blackened for him to be recognized.

Maybe she didn't care as much as Gary thought she did.

The Devil's latter idea won him over, like always. The tiny amount of faith he still had in her was decreased so it was barely dust between his palms. He had to keep it tight there, or else it would run through and be lost forever.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: New chapter! I hope everyone is enjoying the tension between Ella and Gary, because, well, it's going to last for quite a while. Can't have Gary lovey-dovey all the time, can we? I've been toying with the idea of either adding longer chapters, considering that I have an intense amount written out, but I'm not sure yet! Thanks for the reviews and enjoy!**

_Ella_

Oh, there was no missing this one. Anything spray-painted in neon green was something that most people were going to catch. And as far as Ella knew, there were no blind students at Bullworth Academy. But she could be wrong.

No. She wasn't wrong. There were going to be plenty of people who would see this cheerful little message before first period, even more by lunch, and the whole school by the end of the day.

_Ella Pucino is a stupid little __SLUT__!_

Oh shit.

Ella's mind was spinning so fast that she couldn't think of who could possibly want to deal such damage to Ella's already pathetic high school reputation. It wasn't like she was big threat to anybody else. At least, that she knew of.

In statistics, Derby was the first person she thought to ask.

"Have you seen the spray paint around the school?" Ella asked, slinking into the seat next to him.

"I'm not blind." If Ella hadn't been hyperventilating, she would've laughed.

"I know that, and I'm sorry to suspect you, but... Did you do it?"

Derby's perfect forehead creased. Then he remembered that wrinkles were the enemy and smoothed it again. "I am not a thug nor a miscreant. Perhaps ask your brother?"

"I'm sure my own brother would write that about me."

"He is a _greaser_." Derby's voice dripped with superior disdain. "Maybe he saw us yesterday at the movies and got angry that you were with me." Derby smirked.

Ella didn't know that it was impossible, considering that at that point Ricky'd been bullying Gary behind the Yum Yum Market.

"I doubt it." She still replied, even without that information.

Derby shrugged, and the pair quieted as Hattrick threatened the class with detention if he heard any more talking. But he didn't say anything about whispering.

"You know which lad it could have been?"

"Who, Derby?" By now Ella was tiring of Derby's conspiracies and was ready for a tangible idea.

"Bif. I mean, you broke up only a month ago, and the chap was quite annoyed by it. He wanted it to be temporary, and vented to me often. Perhaps he thought I was stealing his woman?"

Now, Derby's choice of words was chauvinistic, but Ella didn't pay any mind to that. His idea was actually a decent one, and Ella was able to outrun most of the math class on her way to music, which Bif had convinced her to take. It didn't help that Gary was also in that class, but Ella was going to suck it up and interrogate Bif to the fullest extent of her forcefulness.

"Did you contribute that lovely piece of art to the school? I mean, people always said you were talented, but honestly." Ella asked, leaning over his music stand.

Bif wrinkled his forehead. "Why would I write something like that? It'd only reflect badly against me. Bif Taylor, dating a slut? Never."

She didn't want to say it, but she did. "What about Christy?"

"Now, Christy isn't exactly Lola, admit that at least." Bif answered, fingers lightly tapping his viola.

"Fine, but Derby told me that you were the culprit." Okay, so that wasn't the whole truth, but Bif would have to understand.

"Oh, please."

"We did go to the movies yesterday."

Bif's eyes darkened. "Like a date?"

"I guess one would call it that." Ella replied, hoping that Bif would either admit his guilt or give her some other information.

"Well, I swear it wasn't me. It's probably Chad doing Derby's dirty work. I hope you know that when we were dating that he never wanted you to come into Harrington House."

"I hope that you know that if you're so jealous right now, you shouldn't have broken up with me two months ago."

"It hasn't been that long."

"Oh, it might as well've been, Bif. You're such a _moron_." She spit, as Gary whipped around to glare at her.

"Don't call me that. Or at least admit that you're an idiot for dating a moron."

"Oh, please. You only became a completely brainless after you two stopped being a couple. Christy's _bright _mind could bring down a genius' IQ, and Taylor, you were no Einstein to begin with." Gary drawled, leaning back in his chair.

Ella hoped she didn't look as astonished as she felt. Gary coming to her defense? It would've been natural a week ago, but now it felt like a trick. Ms. Peters asked everyone to get into their seats, and Ella was forced to slink next to Gary. They both played saxophone, neither very well.

"What was that about?" Ella hissed, Gary refusing to even glance at her.

He didn't answer until class was over, their pockmarked instruments safely stowed away. Ella almost forgot about her question, until he sneered in his regular way. Just like always, except this time he wasn't kidding.

"I just like to mess with people's minds and you are no exception."

_Gary_

"I assumed." She retorted, her eyes diminished into icy chips of green behind those mascara-ed eyelashes.

"Just like I know who created such a spectacular piece of art in the hall."

"Fuck you, Gary. You're finished with me, and I'm done with you. It's what you wanted, right? Just let me be, and I'll let you live your life." Ella accused.

He followed her to the Bullworth gate, not leaving her side. He didn't know why he did it, feeling both right and wrong to fall into step with her. "So what's this bullshit with Derby?" He demanded, his fury causing his face to fissure along that scar.

Ella shrugged. "He asked me to the movies, and I said okay. I really doubt that it will be anything serious. And how would you know about that?"

"Because after your brother and his crony were done pummeling me, I accidentally found you." Gary admitted, because he knew she wouldn't believe him.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Have you been fucking following me? I'm sure my life is really that enthralling to a sick little bastard like you." He grinned at her hostile words, knowing that she must've been in a really sour mood to spit lines like those. But there was no meaning behind them; they were only motivated by their imploded relationship.

"Don't flatter yourself." Gary answered, rolling his eyes. "Take my story or leave it, I don't really give a shit." In the chipper sun of a fall afternoon, there was no mistaking the violet blooms across his neck and cheeks. In a way they were painfully elegant, swirls of random color colliding with his crisp pale complexion.

It would've been too suspicious to get any ice, but instead Gary forced Petey to get buckets of cold water from the bathroom, even though the sloshes of water across the wooden floors led straight to his room. Gary's ankle didn't swell but he taped it with duct tape just the same. He could walk normally if he thought about that particular motion, but if distracted, he only leaned a little to the left.

"And if my brother laid a hand on you, at least acknowledge that you deserved it."

"Did I break your little heart?" Gary placed his hand on her chest, decidedly avoiding the swell of her breasts. He ended up closer to her collarbone. He didn't want Ella to slap his already sore cheeks.

She shook her head, frustrated. "I'm supposed to be walking to New Coventry. I'm going to be late."

"For what?"

"Johnny and I are meeting. He and Lola were supposed do something instead but she's going someplace with Gord instead. Well, obviously Johnny doesn't know about that."

"Should I tell him?"

"No!" It was nearly a scream. "If you did that, I swear Gary..."

"What? Because I'd sabotage your fragile spot between the preps and the greasers? No more movies with Harrington? What a sad day when Derby no longer wants to escort you to the latest blockbuster, huh?" His questions were quite spiky and Ella glared once more.

"I'm going now." She said, and Gary could literally see her push off her left foot, taking that step away from him. But his hands darted just as quickly, drawing her back.

"But going back to what we first discussed, don't you want to know who contributed such a masterpiece to Bullworth?" Gary prodded, watching that pristine face cloud with more than ferocity.

"It was you, right?" Ella's voice came out in a bubbly sob, words caught between that prickly space between tears and serenity.

Gary nodded proudly. "But everyone's going to suspect Bif. Even Crabblesnitch. I'm off scot-free."

"What if I told him that you did it?"

"He'd think you were covering for Taylor and give you a detention just to teach you a lesson."

Ella dropped her head. "Do you want me to hate you?"

Before the devil could think of a snarky remark, Gary replied with a brisk, "No."

"Do you hate me then?"

"No, of course not."

"Well, this has bypassed the normal Gary Smith mischief and I'm really starting to wonder about you, Gary. I don't know what your intention is, why you try and collapse my life between your hands, but I'd really appreciate if you'd just _quit it_."

"I see," Gary mused, watching as Ella used her palms to swipe away her running mascara.

"Because I can handle us not being friendly or even civil, but I'm really beginning to simply dislike you. And I don't know what to think about that."

"Fine. Hate me if you want, you'll just be one more to add to the collection. I'm used to it." He begged her to take it back, even if his words didn't convey this meaning. Every bit of him nipped at Ella, begging her to retreat.

Her sigh was endless. "Gary, sometimes I think you're more sick than the doctors give you credit for."

"Just hate me already. Hate me." Storms brewed across their faces, and Ella swiped at her own some more.

"Why would you request something like that?"

"Why not?" He asked, breathless. Anything more and he'd give himself up. "I want to be on my own."

It was worse that he expected. It might have been the worst thing he'd ever heard from anyone, and he'd been verbally abused most of his young life.

"Nobody's stopping you, sweetheart."

It hurt so bad he wanted to kill her. But in a way he wanted to wrap his arms tight, capture Ella and tell her that she needed to care for him. If she didn't, then nobody would.

And nobody deserves to feel so alone.

And he's desperately sorry if he's doing it to _her_, but he can't figure out any other way to tell her.

Without Ella, life just dissolves.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I split this chapter into two pieces, that's why this part is so short. The second part should be posted after this goes up. Thanks for reading and enjoy!**

Ricky spent so much time cutting class that he never saw those green words and thankfully the news never reached his ears. But the fact that Gary wanted so desperately to emotionally injure her stung a great deal more than she ever expected. She didn't think she'd ever forget how steady his hand was against her chest. Every bit of her begged him to shake just a little bit. She wondered if he could feel the sickly pounding of her wounded heart, whether it felt anything like his.

If he wanted her leave him, she didn't know why he kept snatching her back. She'd tried to go, tried to leave him at the gate, but he held tight. Gary didn't hurt her physically, just taut enough to keep Ella within his hands. Goddamn it, he always needed to have control and she always just let him. It was like she perpetually had a white flag raised, her surrender pronounced before she even got a chance to fight.

But she wasn't going to fight him anymore. She'd just let him do what he wanted and pray that he'll leave her out of it.

She called the tenements, trying to get Johnny as she retreated back to her dorm once Gary was out of her sight.

"Hey, hey, hey, Peanut here." His voice wasn't as deep as Johnny's, but it made Ella uneasy all the same.

Peanut was the only Greaser that took any mind when Ella was around. He whined and complained and referenced every Prep boyfriend she'd ever had until somebody else told him to shut up. He'd acted like Ella was a bother since they were children.

"Hi, is Johnny around?"

"Well, I'd tell you if I knew who this was, Ella Pucino."

"Yeah, sorry. Is he around?"

"I don't know. Who is this?"

Ella sighed deeply. "Ella. _Ricky's_ sister. Can I please speak to Johnny, Peanut?"

"Sure, sounds great. Say, I didn't know you were going out with Derby Harrington."

"I'm not."

"Well, he's telling all his friends that he basically stole you from Bif."

"He didn't, and I don't why you'd believe him. Aren't you sworn enemies?"

"Here's Johnny, Ella. See you at school."

"Uh huh." Ella couldn't help sinking even further into her bed. Peanut always wore her down, nearly as bad as Gary.

Johnny's voice was sweet. "Hey, little lady. I've been waiting for you."

"I know, but I can't meet you. I'm really swamped."

"Not even for pizza?"

"Lots of chem tonight."

"I'll treat, I swear."

"Sorry, Johnny. I really can't." _Because you hurt him. _The phrase lingered on her tongue but she didn't dare say it.

"Whatever." His tone changed darkly, and Ella pretended not to notice.

"I'll see you around?"

"Of course."

It sounded like he dropped the phone heavy onto its cradle, and Ella threw her own onto her desk, even though she heard the cell phone slide and then the knock against the floor. Whatever? _Fuck you, Johnny Vincent. Like I really asked you to help me._ But she frowned. Johnny and Ricky meant well, Ella supposed. They were just being protective. But how annoying. Gary probably blamed her for it, like she _asked_ them to give him one and half black eyes and a busted lip. If her Gary was still floating somewhere in that crazed mind, he'd have to know that she would never ever ask for anyone to hurt him. But would he extend the same courtesy?

Without Gary to fill her time, hours seemed to stretch. She used to have other friends before Bullworth, tons of them, but the tiny private school seemed to ooze hatred. The girls were catty and the boys were either mean or grabby. Everyone had his or her own agenda, even the geeks, who were nice to your face but as soon as your back was turned would send a stink bomb your way. Beatrice accused her of reading her diary when she claimed it was missing for a week. The preps accepted her only as a date, not as an equal. Pinky looked down her nose at Ella's just as expensive Aquaberry, as though it weren't worth as much as hers. The jocks were stereotypically dumb and didn't know the difference between Ella's eyes and her chest. And Mandy? Even Ella wasn't desperate enough to want to be her friend. The bullies were douche bags and generally didn't associate with any girls. The Greasers were the only ones that Ella felt comfortable around, mostly because of Ricky and Johnny. Obviously Peanut held some sort of contempt, but he was an exception. Beside Lola, who seemed to think that Ella was trying to steal Johnny whenever her back was turned. The younger girls were just that, young, still fixated on ponies and baby dolls. And all the girls fell between the cracks tried twice as hard to be bitches in order to fit in. Ella hated Bullworth more than Downthresh, and Downthresh was an even bigger dump.

She missed the shouting outside, contemplating the dynamic within the private school.

"Pucino!" Her window was closed, but the voice managed to voice its way inside.

She jumped up and looked down. She happened to be on the first floor but at the back of the building, the end of the hall and generally at the furthest point from Mrs. Peabody.

"Johnny? You've gotta shut up or the Peabrain will catch you."

"I'm a rebel, baby. Help me up and through the window."

"You're not mad at me?"

"At you? Never, never, never."

She didn't need to do more than extend a hand to help him up, even though his coat got stuck to the window frame. Ella put a hand to her nose.

"You have to wash that thing. It stinks." She gasped, as he shrugged out of it.

He smiled. "That's exactly what your friend said yesterday."

"Well, you don't exactly have to be a genius to know when something reeks like that."

"There doesn't seem to be any school work scattered around here." Johnny's voice was accusing as he sat upon the empty desk.

"I know. Would you believe me if I said that I put it away as soon as I heard you."

"As evidence that you were doing work?" Johnny grinned coyly, "Well, I would, because you would never intentionally lie to me, right?"

"Never. I'll even tell you that I didn't do any work because I was miserable because I had a run in with Gary because of your little meeting yesterday and I was really pissed at you."

"I see. Even if he deserved it?"

Ella sighed. "I know he might have, but still. I don't like seeing him like that."

"Why?"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

"It's a long story that I have no business telling."

Johnny stared at her. "I wouldn't tell nobody. Not even Ricky."

"No offense, but just because you've been playing nice for a month doesn't mean I'm about to trust you. Not like that." She didn't mean to say it like that, but it just came out. Sometimes her mouth moved before her mind had time to keep up.

It was true though. Usually Johnny was more forceful with her, wheedling his way into her mind. But ever since she'd broken up with Bif he'd been different, softer somehow. No more manipulation. At least, none that she could touch outwardly.

"You think I'm being weird?"

"I guess."

"I see your point."

Ella nodded, watching him.

"I guess since you've been away from those Preppies, I've just found you have much more depth."

"Thanks, I suppose."

She grinned, trying to ignore her rapidly blushing cheeks.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: The second part of the chapter! It's a flash back, which I'm not sure about, but I don't know, the idea of Gary as a kid was kind of appealing. It's a lighter point in the story. Anyway, thanks for reading! Please review!**

Gary had been watching that curly haired girl and her brother for several days from his window. He was new in the neighborhood and he knew that everyone could see it. He didn't know any of their games and he was nervous. Their friends seemed mean.

When his grandfather let him out because his mother was at work, Gary wasn't sure if he should jump for joy or cower on the front porch.

"Poppop, what should I do if they're mean to me?" Gary whispered, his fingers laced through the holes in the screen door.

"They won't be mean to you, I don't think. They're just kids, Gary. Just introduce yourself and things should be fine." The older man ruffled his grandson's hair, giving him the final push to venture outside.

There they were in a pack, galloping down the empty street. There seemed to be a system for dodging passing cars, but Gary wasn't sure what it was. And then there was the issue of actually joining their game. How was he supposed to get into that tightly wound group of friends? Only one option seemed okay to Gary. Run with them and hope that they wouldn't mind.

As soon as he caught up, they stopped as though waiting for someone. The girl saw him first.

"Are you the new kid? We saw you move in."

"I'm Gary Smith." He stuttered awkwardly. The girl didn't notice.

"I'm Ella."

"What are you playing?"

"Zombie attack! Come on, Peanut's the zombie and we have to stick together if we have any hope of survival!" Ella was a good actress, pretending to faint.

He chased her and the group down the street, learning their names, until he tripped over a stick and went rolling, rolling, rolling while everyone else left him in their dust. Gary had scraped his knee, bits of dirt and gravel sticking to it. He started to sob, feeling alone. He didn't know his way around! How was he supposed to get home?"

"Where's Gary?" Her voice was clear. "Gary! Did the zombie get you?"

He kept crying until he felt Ella's shadow above him. "I-I fell down and I don't know my way home."

"Oh no! Don't worry, my daddy knows about medicine and I can take you home and he'll bandage you right up. He likes to call me Miss Nurse so I can help you too. First we have to clean all this yucky stuff off before we can get you home." Ella carefully picked off pebbles and grime from the cut before getting Gary onto his feet.

"How do you know where I live?"

"You live right across the street from me, silly! But first, we have to initiate proper game protocol." Ella cleared her throat, and hollered louder than Gary thought she could, "PEANUT! I CALL TIME-OUT FOR ME AND GARY AND DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO GET US OR WE WON'T PLAY WITH YOU FOR A WHOLE WEEK!"

"Wow." Gary whispered, as she helped him limp away.

"Yeah, Peanut doesn't play fairly."

"You used a lot of big words."

"Me and Ricky learned them from a movie on TV. We each have a TV in our rooms. Isn't that cool?"

"Yeah. We only have a little TV in the living room and it isn't unpacked yet."

"Well, you can come watch shows and movies with us whenever you want. My mommy and daddy are really nice about things like that. Ricky has Johnny over like everyday."

"Is Ricky your brother?"

"Yeah! He's really cool and also friendly. He's a little older than me though. How old are you?"

"Seven."

"Me too!" Ella shouted, a big smile on her face. Gary had nearly forgotten about his knee by now.

"My mommy is at work. She works at the movie theater. She's a manager, which means she has a really important job. My daddy is a mechanic and fixes cars right in our driveway. So if your dad's car breaks down, you can bring it right across the street!" Ella was a good saleswoman, and Gary found himself liking this new friend even more than before.

"I don't have a dad." Gary admitted, afraid that this would somehow upset her.

Ella shrugged. "Neither do I. Wait, that sounds funny doesn't it? I better explain so you don't think I'm a liar. My daddy, the mechanic, isn't my _real_ daddy, you know? He and my mommy didn't have me. She married him after my daddy left. My real daddy isn't very nice and I don't like him very much. He doesn't even know my birthday."

Gary nodded morosely. "That's not very good. What about Ricky's birthday?"

Ella threw her hands up in the air and now Gary was very afraid he'd done something wrong. "That's an even bigger story! Ricky and I don't have the same daddy! His dad is somewhere really bad that I'm not allowed to talk about. But you won't tell on me, right?"

"Nope."

"Gary, you have to pinky swear promise."

"Okay." He didn't know what that meant so he awkwardly stuck out his hand.

"You don't get around much, do you?"

Ella grasped his pinky with her own, squeezing tight. "So I pinky promised you?" Gary asked.

"Yup! Now I can tell you all about it." Ella said, taking Gary's hand in her own.

They stayed that way until they reached the brick front of Ella and Ricky's house. Gary was nervous, like he was before meeting anybody new.

"He might be in the garage. Come on."

"I can just go home. It's no big deal."

"Don't worry! My daddy is really nice."

"Your daddy who isn't really your daddy but acts like one?" Gary grinned at her, hoping she'd smile back.

She did. "You're a quick learner. Come on." Ella yanked him alongside the house, towards the back yard where bikes and toys were littered. "Everyone leaves their bikes here when we go play. You could leave yours here too, if you wanted."

"I don't have a bike."

Ella shrugged. "That's okay."

There was a light on in the garage, where tools and car parts and other greasy things were located. Ella's father was standing about a sink, washing his hands.

"Daddy? Can you band-aid my friend Gary's knee? He fell when we were playing zombie attack."

He turned, and Gary immediately knew that he'd be fine around this adult. Ella's dad's round face already was beaming, as though he were going to say yes before even speaking the words. Gary liked this family so far, and he'd only met half of them.

"Of course. Don't worry, Gary, I treat many victims during zombie attack. You weren't bitten, were you? Because then we'd have to treat you for zombie-itus."

"I don't think I got bit." Gary looked at Ella for a second opinion.

"Those zombies are tricky. We'd better give you the antidote just in case."

Ella went to rummage around in a drawer while her father gently cleaned Gary's wound. "Ella forgot to introduce us. I'm Mr. P." He leaned in to whisper. "But you can call me Corey."

"Hi. I'm Gary. I live across the street."

"Oh! I met your grandfather yesterday; he's a very nice man. Actually, if you'd like, I can invite both of you for dinner over here, and I can give him a ring and you and Ella can hang out here until then. Sound okay?"

"Great." Ella was right, her dad was really nice. He hoped her mom was too.

"I found the zombie bite cure!" Ella said, handing something round to Gary. "Cherry is my favorite so I thought it might be yours too."

"This is a gumball!" Gary said, looking it over.

"Not just any gumball, Gary! It holds the cure to the zombie bite. Without one of those you'd turn vicious at any moment. Hurry! Before the infection spreads!" Corey was just as good of an actor as Ella was, and Gary immediately started chewing.

"Thank you. You guys are good doctors."

"Come on, Gary, let's play inside in the air conditioning."

"Ella, if you see any other zombie survivors make sure to tell them it's getting dark and they should pick up their bikes before they can't tell them apart anymore. I don't want calls from Johnny in the middle of night asking whether we know if Ricky took his Schwinn by accident."

"Sure, daddy, we'll keep an eye out."

Once Gary saw the Pucino house, he knew that this was a place where he wouldn't mind spending a lot of time. It was small, but filled with stuff that he knew was loved well and hard. The overstuffed couches were just the right size and shape for watching movies and his favorite television shows. Ella's room was also small, just big enough for bunk beds and favorite stuffed animals.

"You and Ricky share this room?"

"Nope! It's for friends to stay over. But most of my friends stay in Ricky's room."

"I wouldn't. I don't know him well enough."

Ella's excitement couldn't be contained. "Well then I guess it was just waiting for you to come around!"


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I decided to do two shorter chapters again. Enjoy the first and the second will be up soon! Thank for reading and please review!**

Johnny sat on the bed next to her, his head on her pillows and an arm resting across her lap. His fingers were delicately picking at the belt loops on Ella's jeans, an action that she didn't know how to estimate.

"What are you doing?" She asked, wondering where her voice had gone.

"I have nervous hands." Johnny answered, and she could hear the grin in his words. That made her even more anxious.

When the hand laid flat for a moment, Ella decided she was being irrational. Once it started stroking the top of her thigh, that she wasn't sure what to do.

"Seriously Johnny, what are you doing?"

He froze for a second, before springing up to sit next to her. "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way, I just- oh crap, sorry Ella, please don't tell Ricky."

"I doubt Ricky would care. Lola, on the other hand, would probably have a problem with it."

"Lola's a fucking whore." Johnny spat, placing his head on her shoulder.

"You love Lola."

"I love you too."

"You love me like a sister. You love Lola like a member of the opposite sex."

Johnny sighed. "I guess you're right. Lola is just Lola. I've been dating her for years. I'm sick of her."

"No, you're not. I hear it and see it whenever you're with her. You love her." Somehow this statement made Ella very depressed. She guessed it was just because she had no significant other.

Shrugging, Johnny whispered, "I'm not so sure anymore. I barely see her. You don't know anything, do you?"

Ella's heart jumped, and she worried that her startled reaction didn't clue him in. "No, not at all. At least I don't think so."

"If you say so. Keep an eye out, will you?"

"Of course."

They sat in silence for a few moments before Johnny slid down to the floor. "I'd better check up on things in New Coventry. I leave for a few hours and things go to shit. See ya, Ella."

"Bye, Johnny," Ella called, watching him crawl through the window once again. When it was shut, Ella was free to sit by herself and just think.

Johnny Vincent? Of course Ella had her moment when she had just about the biggest crush ever on him, but it always lead to the same place. Johnny was her brother's best friend and therefore Ella was nothing more than a little sister. Johnny was off-limits.

_Keep thinking that and you'll be in love with him before the week is out._ _A crush would be healthy, though. Get your mind off of Gary. _

Ella was contemplating that idea when her cell phone buzzed its way across her bed, nearly onto the floor.

"Hello?" Ella asked, checking the caller ID with a sigh.

"Hi, baby, it's Mom." The voice was more than comforting, but Ella didn't want her to ask any questions. They would undoubtedly lead to Gary.

"Hi, how are you?"

"I'm great. And you? How are things at school?"

"Good." A lie of amazing proportions.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about something important."

Oh crap. "What?" Ella hoped she didn't sound too snotty.

"I know how much you care about Gary, and I wanted you to know right away."

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "What's up then?"

"Annemarie is back."

Throat catching, Ella managed to choke a reply. "What are you talking about? I thought she went down to Louisiana with her new boyfriend."

"Old boyfriend. She's back and Pop Smith says she's been asking about Gary."

"Fuck me," Ella whined, ready for the rebuke from her mother. Annemarie was that last person Gary needed to see right now, especially since he stopped taking his meds.

"Watch yourself. And keep an eye out, please. Gary is far too blind to see just how terrible Annemarie is."

"I know."

"Well, with a friend as good as you, Gary should be fine." Her mother commented, and Ella could hear the mothering in her voice. "Have you been thinking about college?"

The transition was too great to handle at that very moment, not with thoughts of how to warn Gary swirling in her head. "No, of course not."

"I would start soon, sweetie. It's very important for your future."

"I know. I have to go, okay? I have to go eat dinner."

"Plans with any boys?"

"Mom, really?"

"Just checking. That Bif boy is out of the picture and I just want you to have some fun."

"How do you know that?" Then she remembered Ricky. "Never mind."

"Okay, baby doll, I'll let you go."

"Bye, love ya."

"Bye, Ella."

Ella could barely hear her mother's words before she tore out of the dorm room into the cold late October air, hurrying across the yard. The boys' dorm was always open, and nobody questioned her as she leapt up the steps and into the mildewy warmth. Pete was in the common room with Jimmy, so Ella didn't even bother to knock when she threw open the door to Gary's room.

"Excuse me, what if I was in the nude?" Gary asked, surprised at the intrusion.

"You're not, so we don't have that problem, do we?"

"What do you want?" He looked annoyed.

"What are you wearing? Nazi uniforms are back in fashion?"

Gary smirked. "Well, loser, it's Halloween."

Ella couldn't help furrowing her brow. Was it really? When did she miss that much time? She knew it was the end of October but she didn't really think it was that _close_ to the end. Where had she been that whole month? Did Gary really disrupt her that much?

"Oh... I had no idea."

"Children in costumes didn't tip you off?"

"I just missed it, I guess."

For a sudden, barely palpable second, Gary's eyes flashed concern. Ella registered it just quick enough to be derailed once again. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, sort of."

"I'd love to hear all about your wonderful, incredible life that no longer includes me, but I really need to create some havoc."

Ella forgot about his softness and saw red. "You were the one that decided that we weren't friends anymore, not me. _You _decided it. I'm trying to be a bigger person-"

"You can't stay away from me, can you? Old habits die hard."

"Shut the fuck up." Ella hissed at him. How could he be so cold? "Shut up because I'm trying to help you."

"You're trying to help me, Ella? Every time you've tried to help me, you're just tried to make me into something more manageable. Like everyone else, you look out for your best interests."

"I don't care what you perceive my motives to be, because I no longer evaluate myself with your opinions. Can I please just tell you something?"

"Tell me that you're in love with me. That I might believe."

"Stop."

"If you tell me that you love me, I might stop being me."

He was manipulating her, she knew it. But there was something so disconcerting about the way he kept stepping closer and closer to her that Ella couldn't help moving back until she grazed the wall.

"Stop it, Gary, it's not going to work."

"If you can love Bif and Derby and Parker and Justin and even fucking Johnny Vincent, then you can love me."

"Just quit this little ploy to irritate me and listen."

He had her cornered now, his hands tight against Ella's ribs. He wasn't hurting her, but she felt uneasy all the same. He knew how to operate her, how to make Ella agree and how to make her fight back. He knew how to placate her. Ella never knew how to handle him, especially now.

"If you can kiss them, then you can kiss me." His voice was painstakingly tender, and his lips were too close to her face. As much as she tried to focus on anything else, she was brought back to him.

"Please, Gar, please. You're scaring me."

"Affection scares you?"

"Your affection scares me."

Gary grinned so widely that she thought his face was going to crack. When he laughed, her suspicions were affirmed. He was in control no matter how much Ella tried to be, no matter how much she seemed to have grip of her own life, Gary could steal it away. If only he was able to handle his own in the same way.

"You're not attracted to me, I assume."

"I need to go." Ella couldn't think of another way to leave.

"Fine by me. Have a great Halloween."

It was when she almost managed to reach the door that she remembered her reason for being there.

"I still need to tell you what I came here for."

"Oh, true." Somehow he'd leapt onto his bed, so quickly that she hadn't seen the movement.

"Your..." Ella trailed, not knowing how he would intercept the information. "What I mean is that your mom is back."

"Oh great, I needed a little TLC."

"Seriously, Gary, stay away from her."

"She's my family. What have you done for me?"

Ella snorted in disbelief. "I didn't hurt you, did I? I wasn't the reason you ended up in Happy Volts, now admit that."

"A little abuse makes a man." Gary replied coolly.

"Pick a scar that she gave you." She paused. "Now find one from somebody else. It's near impossible."

With a little thought he pointed to his heart. "That one was from you."

Ella turned on her heel. That was enough, she knew, to force her to keep away from him for a least a good while.

Because she couldn't remember the last time she hadn't left him in tears.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Second chapter tonight! Another flashback. I didn't realize I'd written them so close together. Oh well. Thanks for reading and please review!**

When Gary was about to end eighth grade, to go off to start the whirlwind of high school, he was already starting to feel the anxiety of their eventual separation. Ella was his best friend, even if his mother told him to stay away from her. She hated the Pucinos, mostly because they lived so much better than the two and a half of them- when Pop Smith could stand to stay around the house. It wasn't that Ella's family had more than the Smiths did; it was more the fact that they handled their lower-middle class role so much better.

He couldn't stay away from Ella. He prided himself on the fact that she _chose_ him to be her sole best friend, even though most of the boys at school were begging to replace him. Gary loved Ella in a way that he didn't currently understand, that awkward state between platonic adoration and full-blown adolescent longing, and it was tearing him apart. Ella had her faults, for sure, just one of them being her nearly obsessive tendency to worry about other people. He didn't remember the last time she didn't make him call her the moment he got home or when she didn't call him in a panic when he forgot. But he _liked_ that now. It used to be annoying but now it was just a cute little thing he didn't want to live without.

She was also timid. His mother hated that. Annemarie hated to pick up the phone and to hear Ella's shaking voice asking for Gary. She loved lying to Ella, to tell her that Gary was unavailable. Sometimes she'd even tell Ella that he didn't want to talk to her. One of Ella's good points was that she knew when people weren't telling the truth. And she always ignored Annemarie, no matter what she said about her or her family.

Gary didn't want to go to Bullworth but Pop Smith insisted that he should go. It was his Alma Mater. Pop Smith didn't think it was safe to stay home and go to Downthresh. Pop Smith said he didn't like the idea of being bussed across town, but Gary knew it had to do with Gary's mother. Bullworth was technically a boarding school, even if he did have the option to live at home since he was close to school. Despite the extra money it required, his grandfather just wanted to get him out of the firing zone.

It felt like he was going to be alone forever. Bullworth started early, earlier than Downthresh. Ella would be home a full week without Gary, forgetting all about bullies at Bullworth were supposedly ruthless. Gary was getting to the point where he was just about willing to show up at the public school and beg them to take him in.

It was his last weekend home and he was more than excited to run across the street as soon as Pop Smith rolled the old Chevy pickup to the curb. They took a fishing trip that lasted from the early morning to most of the evening. But Annemarie was feeling possessive now, and as soon as Gary took one step in the wrong direction, he couldn't escape her screech.

"And where do you think you're going?" She was in the screened-in porch, even though most of it was open air now, despite the fact that Mr. Pucino had offered to replace it much more cheaply than she'd be able to get anybody else to do it.

"I was going to say hi to Ella." Gary thought he could keep the deflated whimper out of his throat but he wasn't sure if it worked.

"I made a nice dinner for your first night at home, and you're going to waste by going over there?" Her words were slurring, but he knew that she was much more drunk than her words gave her credit for.

"No, I just wanted to let her know I was home. I mean, since you're going to be out later I figured I could go over."

"Do think I'm such a terrible mother that I would go out on a Friday night when my little baby is home? Do you have any fucking faith in me?"

Gary didn't answer, but finished his trek to the steps. His mother didn't make any attempt to greet him, no hugs or questions about school. He wasn't sure why she wasn't passed out yet.

During dinner it was worse. Pop Smith needed to go out to visit the Widow Harper, any excuse to leave when his daughter was in one of her moods.

"Excited for that new school of yours? "

Gary shrugged. "I don't know. Not really. I want to be in school with my friends."

She scowled. "Why the hell not? Do you know how much I'm paying for that school?"

"I thought Pop was going to pay the tuition." He wished the words had never left his vocal cords the moment he said them.

"What? Has my father been lying again? And are you stupid enough to believe the asshole?"

Gary didn't reply, but looked meekly to the fried chicken wing on his plate. His mother always got the six pieces for $4.99 from the chicken shack down the street, and she always took the two breasts, Pop Smith and Gary split the remaining two legs and wings. When he ate dinner over Ella's, it looked like a feast compared. He _hated_ chicken legs. And one wing wasn't exactly six course supper. The first and last time he told his mother that, he had a livid pink hand print on his shoulder for two weeks.

"You just want to go to public so that you can spend every waking moment with that bitch, Little Miss Perfect who has manners and loves her family and has tricked you into actually thinking that she likes you. That'll be the day. She's just using you. Haven't I told you that plenty of times?"

"I don't believe you. You're just jealous."

At this point in his life, he'd hardly ever back talked, especially to his mother. But the monotonous life of being constantly bullied by her was taking its toll on Gary. After all, Ella said it was just a matter of time before he would stand up for himself. But this was the absolute _wrong _time.

"Oh, you really think so, do you, Gary? You're just a stupid, no-nothing, little asshole child that knows nothing about the world." Annemarie was on her feet now and he could smell the cheap liquor she just about bathed in.

"I'm tired of you picking on her. I'm just so tired of it. She is my friend. She loves me much more than you ever have." Gary didn't stutter, feeling the vicious tension lying in the air, about to snap and catch him just quick enough to hurt.

She wasn't ready to sit down have a discussion, and Gary wasn't ready for the hands that caught him by the shoulders, shoving him out of the dining room chair. He didn't have time to fall onto the stained rug before she lifted him up once again. This time it worked to his disadvantage that he hadn't come into his height yet, but still not squirrelly enough to slip out from her brittle fingers.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again, do you understand me, Gary?"

It wasn't like she hadn't hit him before, usually he got smacked because he didn't do something exactly the way Annemarie liked it, but this time he was getting beaten because he'd actually done something wrong. He thought he'd gotten used to her erratic and violent behavior but this was somehow much more frightening. Gary knew that she didn't like to be undermined, whenever Pop Smith did anything to upset her authority she would nearly explode. If she could overpower her own father, she would. He was the only person that she wasn't able to scare away with her shrieks and flying fists.

"Then don't insult my friends! And don't call me stupid!" Gary didn't know where his words were coming from.

"You don't have any friends! Nobody would want to be friends with a scared little boy like you. You're just like your father: dumb, ugly, and you don't know when to shut your mouth."

"If my dad was so stupid, then why did he have the brains to walk out on you?" He spat, not caring that her knuckles were keeping good time against his arms and legs and any other area she could get to without getting hurt. "If I could support myself I would leave you too!"

It was too late to understand the shattering of the glass coffee table, one of the only nice items in the Smith home. Gary didn't realize until he was lying within the sparkling shards that he was the weight that broke it, although not of his own free will. Feeling bruised, it wasn't until the blood started to coat his eyelashes that he grasped his own injuries. Annemarie wasn't concerned, her back to him.

"I only did that for your own good. I only did it to show that I love you enough to beat some sense into you. Nobody else would do that. Nobody has the guts to tell you when you're treating them badly. Now, I want you to keep away from that girl. She's putting ideas into your head that are false. The next time you think you should talk back because she's taught you how to supposedly defend yourself, think about this time. Think about how she let you down."

Pop Smith took him to the emergency room. Annemarie said that he'd fallen down the stairs only to collapse into the coffee table. Pop didn't have time to reprimand her once he saw the crimson that dripped down his grandson's face, pooling against the collar of shirt.

Gary didn't feel anything. He didn't notice when the wound healed, he didn't feel victorious when he had the guts to push the bullies at school away. He didn't even think about it when he called Petey all the terrible names that his mother had called him. After all, if somebody could say them him then he should have the right to say them anybody he wanted. He could treat anybody however he wanted. Even Ella. He could even forget that Ella existed, although he didn't want to.

Gary still didn't understand his longing for his old friend, couldn't compartmentalize it like all the other information in his head. He realized that he couldn't just _think_ anymore. Every thought had a destination, had a reason for being there. He just needed to figure out where to stick Ella.

Because the box that was marked love had gotten very lonely, floating around at the back of his brain. The boxes labeled darkness, manipulation, jealousy, hate, dislike, blame, and the most depressing of all, reality_,_ were the ones kept in the front for easy access. He was thinking about completely getting rid of love all together. But then she announced that she'd finally gotten that scholarship to Bullworth and wasn't it so great that she could spend the extra time with him?

Gary had a tough time comprehending that Ella wasn't fantasy. Getting rid of her could help reduce the mess in his brain.

Years later, Gary was so close to doing just that, but there was a tense spot inside his chest that didn't let him put the issue to rest.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out! I had to re-read it and tweak some parts, mostly because it's probably been at least a year since I've looked at the earlier chapters of this story. I also decided to combine the POVs again and make a longer chapter. Hopefully that'll make up for taking so long to upload it! Thanks for reading and please review!**

_Ella_

Ella didn't know who managed to convince her to go to dinner if Lola was going to be involved. Sitting across from the girl with the cropped hair already made her nervous as she poured herself a glass from the pitcher of stale beer in the middle of the table. Johnny had somehow convinced the owner of the pizzeria that the group was twenty-one, but she wasn't sure how, considering that all the boys were still wearing their Bullworth uniforms. She didn't know if what Lola was wearing could technically be considered a blouse, but it looked more like underclothes to her.

"So, Ella, how's it going with Smith?"

"Oh, it's wonderful, Lola. Having vindictive rumors spread about the whole school is really great." It was a new low that he had stooped to. She didn't know why he did it, but it just pushed her further closer to the Greasers.

"You don't know it's only him." Johnny tried to lighten the mood, passing the slices of pepperoni on his pizza to Ella's plate.

"Oh, I do. He told me. Gary lies a lot, but he doesn't lie about things that he's proud of."

There was a pressure on her foot, and when she locked eyes with Johnny, there was something she wasn't expecting. Their relationship had changed drastically, he now considered her whenever they were making plans, making Lola jealous and bitchy in a way that she had never been before. Ella was thrilled. She couldn't stop herself from liking Johnny Vincent. It wasn't that he was just good looking or funny, the fact that he didn't take more from her than he gave was just so refreshing that she couldn't contain her excitement whenever he was around.

Ella's life would've been perfect. She almost had a crush, she was finally getting good grades, and she was spending time with people who she now considered her true friends. But there was part of her that always throbbed. Gary was acting much stranger than she'd ever witnessed, he'd already alienated that new kid, Jimmy Hopkins. It'd been weeks since Pete Kowalski hadn't had his eyes plastered to the floor, too scared to look up and see Gary about to bully him into submission. Everybody- okay, really just Ricky and Johnny- said that Ella was acting so much different, so much better than when Gary'd been her friend.

"So, do you think you're going to the fall dance?" Ricky asked his younger sister, who raised an eyebrow in response.

"Why? I doubt it, honestly." Ella questioned, nonchalantly ripping her crust into smaller pieces.

"Peanut needs a date, and I just figured that maybe you'd want to go with him."

Lola couldn't hide her smile and the hand held over her mouth didn't exactly deafen her laugh. "Not even your sister is desperate enough to date Peanut."

The backhanded insult didn't bother Ella. Ricky sighed. "I just figured I'd ask for him."

Afterwards, they headed towards the tenements. Ricky had far too much to drink, which Ella didn't understand. Every time he got a little drunk all he did was go to sleep. It was really annoying, especially when he promised that he'd ride the bus back to Bullworth with her. Lola and Johnny were arguing as usual, and Ella was just ready to get back to some peace and quiet away from their little spats. If she didn't have to witness them making out in an effort to make peace, she was willing to make the trip alone.

"Hey, where are you going?" Johnny asked, as Lola stalked away.

"Back to school. I kind of live there." Ella retorted, turning on her heel. "How come you're not hanging with Lola?"

"She's going to her sister's. She wanted me to come with, but I don't need to be around crying toddlers. I think Lola is trying to convince me to have kids."

"You're in high school!" Ella cried, and then saw the grin on Johnny's face. "Oh, a joke, I see."

"You're so easy. I wanted to show you the B+ I got in English class," Johnny replied, taking a seat on the bench next to her. "I thought you would be proud, being a smart kid and everything."

"I'm far from that," Ella answered, pulling her sweatshirt tighter. "You don't have to stay with me, you know. I can handle it on my own."

"But what if something happened to you? I don't want that on my conscience."

"Thanks, Johnny. Ricky said he'd go back, but he's probably asleep on the couch."

"You guessed it. I don't mind going, you know. We never get to talk alone." Ella couldn't help noticing that his arm was gently tucking her into his chest. But that was definitely just some platonic motion that she was getting far too wound up about.

"I suppose," She couldn't keep the chuckle out of her voice, "I can't believe Ricky actually asked if I wanted to go with _Peanut_."

"He was just looking out for you. Besides, we're all going. For some reason I'm going with Lola."

"For some reason? Maybe because she's your girlfriend? That's just a thought. And I've already been asked to go, so..." She trailed, sighting the school bus down the street. "That's my ride."

"Who?" Johnny demanded, tightening his hold, "Who asked you?"

"Derby. But I wasn't sure that I wanted to go, so I just said that I would make the decision later."

"You're not going with him." He declared, standing up with her as the vehicle screeched to a stop.

"Why do you get to make that choice?"

"I don't but I just think it's stupid. Why go with one of them?"

"Oh, Johnny, is that a bit of jealousy I detect?" Wishful thinking, Ella thought as soon as she settled into a cold vinyl seat. Johnny sat across from her, leaning into the aisle.

"El, it's dumb. You wasted a whole bunch of time with those wussies, why go back? Have an urge to wear fucking Aquaberry again?"

"Johnny, stop it. I didn't say yes, I just said I wasn't sure if I was going. I can't afford a new dress anyhow."

"Lola would let you borrow one."

"No, she wouldn't. And if you haven't noticed, Lola and I have different proportions, if you know what I mean."

"I don't."

"Let's just say that she's... slimmer and bigger than me in some areas."

There was a lull for a few moments, before Johnny blurted, "You know, Lola stuffs her bra?"

Ella's head shot up. "She does _not_. Don't lie to make me feel better."

"I swear. I freaked out when I found out too, trust me, that was a sur-"

"I don't want to hear about the first time you and her hooked up, Johnny. Shut up."

He grinned broadly. "I guess so. I don't want to hear about you and Derby."

"I never _kissed_ Derby let alone _hooked up_ with him." She hissed, as the bus coasted to a stop. "I'll see you around."

"Dinner tomorrow?" He asked, expectant.

"I'll have to check my schedule, but it might be feasible."

"Sounds great. Want to sneak into the football game afterwards?"

"You hate football." She said, walking down the steps and landing shakily on the sidewalk.

"But _you_ don't."

Rolling her eyes, Ella replied, "Why don't you spend time wooing your girlfriend instead of me?"

"Because she doesn't love me like you do."

Before she could ask what that was supposed to mean, the doors closed between them severing the conversation into two very jagged edges. Turning towards the dorms, Ella couldn't help the anxiety in her throat. Did he know that Ella was very close to being in like with him? Or was it merely a sarcastic statement?

And did Johnny Vincent just plan a date with her?

_Gary_

"How should I know what she was doing in history?" Petey's voice was shaky, his vocal cords vibrating with the fear that he might get slugged again, like last week.

"Well from now on you should keep a closer eye on our favorite Bullworth babe, right? Try keeping after her like you keep after Trent."

"Stop being a jerk, Gary."

"Me, a jerk?" He grinned. "I've never been more grateful for such a compliment."

"And maybe if you stopped treating her like dirt, Ella would actually acknowledge you. Then _you_ can keep tabs on her."

"Our Bullworth babe wouldn't like that." Gary answered, settling heavily on his bed. "But you wouldn't understand that."

"You're not the only guy that likes her, you know. Johnny has been hanging out with her a lot."

"Johnny's got a slutty girlfriend, what does he need with our Bullworth babe?"

Gary hadn't gone near Ella for such a long time that he couldn't help feeling awkward. He couldn't miss her, there was some chemical in his brain that wouldn't allow him to truly ache in such an excruciating fashion. If there were, he surely would've begged her to keep him company again, especially when he felt so oddly free and malicious.

Since she'd told him his mom was back from whatever expedition that she'd been gone on, he couldn't bring himself to say Ella's name. He'd been counting on her to treat him just as badly as he did her, but her information had left him flustered. If he didn't care about her, then she shouldn't care about him, it was only logical. Maybe Ella was one of the rare people at Bullworth that actually had that mythical thing called a conscience. He might've had one, but that was very, very, very long ago.

"Why do you keep calling her that anyway? I thought you said that she wasn't pretty enough to go out with you." Petey asked, a little courageous now that Gary was safely across the room.

"Don't question, young Kowalski. Just follow in my heroic footsteps." He purred in response, reaching over to his English homework. He wasn't going to leave it, no, that would be far too expected, too obvious. Teachers would question him if that happened.

"Well, I'm going to the library."

"The geeks aren't going to invite you to their chess club, Peter. They'd prefer if you just stop asking for their acceptance. Even a loser needs somebody to pick on."

Petey was out the door before the end of Gary's drawl could even reach him. Gary sighed, before lifting the dusty curtains to stare out across the yard. Ella's window didn't face his; her room was near the back. But what he could see was that frequent visitor, his leather jacket and denim very visible as he strolled along the side. Gary never snuck in the window, not ever, that was just stupid. There was a trellis alongside the girls' dorms as strong as any ladder. Too bad that dumb mechanic- ape- couldn't figure it out.

But Gary probably wouldn't touch that trellis ever again. Ella didn't _want_ him hanging around, because something uncomfortable might happen again. She didn't care to even glance at him like she used to, furtive glances between questions in Hattrick's class.

_Take me or leave me, kiddo, _he thought, pulling the curtain back into its rightful place. Gary had gotten too close last time, close enough to feel the beat of her heart thudding right into his fingertips. Slowly and then quickly enough to make his chest race into the finish line. He knew her scent by heart, girly mixed with that sweet and clean smell of soap that made him want to dive into her skin and just lavish there in the softness.

Normally he didn't think about her this way, but ever since he'd flushed the yellow pill down the toilet his thoughts had been awfully liberated. The other meds, that made him placid, were flushed too. Gary never felt so bone-crushingly nasty. He had never wanted to actually hurt her, but now he was thinking of what would happen if he laid his fists upon her.

_Don't_. The angel warned him quietly but resolutely. Fine. He wouldn't touch her anymore. Not even to caress the curve of her ever-smirking lips, an urge that he had since seventh grade. Just to see how they felt underneath his thumb, because they were never going to be pressed up against his mouth. That was painfully clear.

Gary slid onto the floor, his heavy feet catlike against the stained carpet. His was one of the few rooms that didn't have the dirty floorboards exposed, but the smelly rug was worse than the nails that poked bare feet in the middle of the night. His real target was the school bag, which held all the essentials, his pencils, notebooks, textbooks, and most of all, his neglected cell phone. Its chime rang out into the room.

"Hello?" he asked, ears filled with loud music that he didn't recognize.

"It's your mommy, Gary."

Ella had told him that Anne Marie was back, but Gary wasn't sure what to do. He hadn't spoken to his mother in a long time and didn't know what to do in the situation.

"I can't really talk now, ma. I have a lot of work." He borrowed a lie from Ella, which she employed whenever she was avoiding him.

"Do you have any cash?"

"I have my allowance from Pop. Why?"

"I need booze really bad. Can I borrow it?"

"I'm really busy." Gary repeated, not eager to meet with her. He didn't want to see what she looked like after such a long absence.

"I'll meet you by the school gates so I don't have to fill out a visitor's pass. Bye, baby."

The receiver clicked hard on the other end, and Gary slowly slid his phone into his pocket. He hated to deal with Anne Marie, but at least she'd be gone as soon as he flashed the twenty. Pulling on a jacket, he pulled the curtains aside once again, just to glance out the window. Johnny wasn't there. If it hadn't been settling into dusk, he might've caught Ella skipping down the front steps of the girl's dorms. He didn't, however, slowly cascading to the front gate. He tried to keep the newly free flowing thoughts tied down.

He didn't think of his mother as part of his family. Maybe she could've been a detached stepsister, but never his flesh and blood. Pop Smith was the only family member that he loved, even if he did go on that fishing trip by himself last week. Gary didn't care now; the meds he'd been weaning himself off of didn't mask his apathy anymore. He had wanted so long ago to be part of the Pucinos, to live across the street and away from all the tension. Gary spent so many years of his childhood just wishing that he'd been adopted, promptly gone from his ramshackle home.

"Did you follow me?" The voice caught him so off guard that he startled.

"No. Don't flatter yourself." He said, watching her form leaning against one of the concrete pillars. "What are you doing on this fine Friday night?"

"Nothing that you need to be concerned about." Ella replied, glancing demurely back at him.

"Feisty?" Gary asked, carefully darting his eyes to the headlights passing by. "You waiting for something?"

"I am. What are you doing if you're not here to bother me?"

"The usual, you know. Just hanging out."

The horn was low, a repair that his mother had never seemed to have time for. Ella glared at it, and then him. Her hiss was carried by the wind that made the old maple trees shudder.

"I knew you were going to call her. You're so _predictable_." The tone on the last word twisted horribly, just as the exhaust fumes began to flood the gates.

"Gary! Say hello to your mother, would you?" Anne Marie put it in park and strutted out from the car like this was a homecoming for the ages.

She looked much older than he ever remembered. Once upon a time Anne Marie was pretty enough to do pageants. Losing against girls who could afford fake tans and teeth was what made her reach for narcotics and alcohol and most of all, bad men. The boyfriend she'd found after Gary's dad left had broken her perfect nose, making her entire facade misaligned. Coupled with the lines had settled like caverns into dry withered skin that seemed to be tree back, not epidermis, made her look alien. He didn't know this woman's face, but he recognized the knuckles with sharp rings underneath them. But the ring that Gary's father had given her was missing the rock. Maybe she'd had sold it for the money, not able to part with the band.

His hug wasn't tight, just an arm looped around shoulders that could barely hold the weight of her head and neck. "Hi, here's what you asked for."

Ella's face was turned away, tucked into her sweatshirt like she was hoping not to be seen. His mother did, though, and made Ella fully aware of it.

"You look... fuller, Miss Perfect. Did you get knocked up or are you just getting fat?"

"I'm not pregnant!" She exclaimed, unfolding herself. "How was your trip, Anne Marie? Did you get dumped by another loser?"

"I dumped him, thanks." She was closer to Ella now, accessing her. "Are you still obsessed with my son?"

"Never was, Anne Marie. How did you get home then? By giving blow jobs to truck drivers so that they'd bring you across state lines?"

Her voice was shrill; Gary had never heard her speak to anybody like that, especially his mother. "I do what has to get done, Ella. Has your father's pitiful auto business gone under yet? I always knew you were destined to go bankrupt."

"We're quite financially stable."

"Gary, are you going to let me talk to her like that?" His mother was picking up on the disconnect between the pair, it was too obvious. Their distance extended farther than the physical space separating them.

"Of course he is." Ella darted in, before Gary was able to sputter something. "We hate each other. Thanks to you. You've fucked him up in ways that you'll never understand or admit to."

Gary never spoke up around his mother. Most of Bullworth was afraid of Gary's steel tongue but Gary was afraid of Anne Marie's. After all, he learned from the best. "I think you should go home, Mom, before the prefects come running out to see what's happening."

"Fine. I hope to see you soon, Gary. Miss Perfect, try not to be too much a whore. I know you've slept with the entire football team, but let's stop with that." She loved to get the last word, and as the car stuttered around the corner, Ella had no words to shoot back until she was gone.

"I don't care anymore if you see her, but keep her far away from me. I only can only withstand so much loathing in my life."

"Well, I'll try and remember that." His voice came out too acerbic; it made her notice, made her reflect on the response.

He began to turn but heard her softly cry, "Gary?"

"What?"

"I know I say that I don't care, but seriously, please. She's up to no good, and even you have to know that. I just..." Ella's mouth slackened before she could continue. "I don't want to watch you get damaged again, even if we aren't friends."

"Does it come naturally?"

"Excuse me?"

"Your saccharin sweetness, is it natural or do you have to work at it?"

Her cheeks pinched a bit, he could see it under the bare brightness of the streetlights. "You're the same asshole you were fifteen minutes ago, when we hadn't spoken in two weeks, Gary. I should've expected it."

"That's your fault."

"Is it?"

"You've made it so painfully obvious that I can't be the bigger person." He left for real this time, but not before shouting, "Love ya, Darling!" so cynically that Gary could felt the roll of her eyes from where he was standing.

It would be simpler if he just apologized but the devil wouldn't allow him. The angel begged every second of every day but Gary was becoming deaf to it. As soon as he could ignore Ella as well, he could the angel then he'd be on the road to recovery.

But at what cost?


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Here's the next chapter! I know it took a long time, but I wasn't actually too fond of this part, and was tempted to take it out, but it ties into something else, later on. So I had to tweak it a little. Thank you all for reading and reviewing! Enjoy! **

**P.S. – To make amends for taking forever, I'm totally going to post two chapters tonight! **

At the football game, Johnny kept asking what was the matter. How could she tell him? After all, Johnny always said that Gary was just dead weight. He didn't matter, not in the grand scheme of things. Johnny might've thought that he was being reassuring, but Ella always felt like she was being criticized.

"I'm sorry. I just have a headache; I'm going to buy water. Does anybody else want anything?" Ella asked, once Johnny commented on her lack of enthusiasm.

"A hotdog?" Peanut asked. "I only have a five, though. Want to borrow it? You don't have to pay me back. I'll get Ricky for it." Even Peanut realized that she wasn't in the mood to fight.

"Don't worry about it. It's on me. Johnny, you want anything?"

"Just for you to buck up, babe. Come on, I'll go with. I can't tell the quarterback from the left tackle if you're not here."

He placed his hand delicately on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, guiding her out of the stands. The food stand was closer to the gym, away from the game and away from the crowds and the noise.

"Thanks, Johnny," Ella whispered, as he ordered the food and the drink.

"Nothing' to it." Johnny replied, tucking a stray curl behind her ear before the kid handed back the change. "Want to talk for a bit before we go back to the game?"

"Sure." She answered, wandering after him. Most of the students were down at the field.

"You angry at me?" Johnny's mouth was full of soft pretzel, and the sight made her grin.

"No, of course not."

"I thought you were. After all, you did nothing but question me about Lola during dinner."

"Not intentionally. I just thought you wanted to talk about her."

"And I did yell at you about the Derby thing."

"You did, but I don't care about that. Natural reaction from a greaser." She said in a teasing tone. "I'll tell you what's up, but you can't make judgments."

"Promise."

"I saw him. Gary, I mean. When I was waiting for you two at the gate, he was waiting for his mom to come by so he could give her something. She got out of the car and started to just insult me. I'm used to that, really. She always did it, she always hated me. But after she was gone, I was just left to be mind fucked by him once again. I always think I'm going to protect myself, but I never can. He just gets to me every time. He left a few minutes before you two came."

Johnny nodded, too slowly. "I can't talk, really. I mean, you have Gary and I have Lola."

"Yeah, but Gary and I never dated. We were never in anything besides a platonic relationship."

"But what if he wanted to be something more than that?"

"More than what? Gary would've said something, he's too vocal to stay quiet for so long." Ella spat, not meaning to cut him off so curtly.

"Have an opinion?" He kidded, sliding an arm around her back. "Since you spilled your guts I have to do the same."

"Go ahead." She replied, trying to wrangle all the butterflies jumping hurdles inside her torso. She didn't want him to feel the constant rapping in her chest whenever he was around.

"Me and Ricky are like brothers, so that makes us family, you know? And you can tell family anything, right?"

"I guess."

"Well, I need you to tell me if you've noticed anything weird about Lola."

Oh, no. Ella was the worst liar in the world. Most of the time it didn't bother her, but there were moments when the precious skill of telling an untruth was necessary. If he was going to ask about, well, Lola's activities that didn't involve Johnny Vincent, then Ella was in deeper than she wanted to be.

"Like what?" She didn't stutter, and that was a plus. But real family, like Ricky would've been able to see that deer in the headlights glaze that took over her viridian eyes.

"I called her after I dropped you at school, I called her sister's place, and her sister said that Lola had just left. But Lola didn't come home for three hours after that."

"So? She might've gone shopping or something. Maybe she ran into somebody else on the way back and stopped to hang for a while." If Ella didn't say whom she was hanging out with, then it wasn't even a lie.

"I guess, but things like that have been happening a lot lately." He sighed, and put his face into his hands. "I need to ask you a big favor."

"What?"

"Can you keep an eye on her? I'll try and make her hang out with you more-"

"You know she hates me." Ella protested. "Plus, I'm not going to be your errand girl."

"I know all of that, but I really need to make sure I'm not going crazy."

"Whatever. I barely know Lola, but I'll try to see if something's up." Something besides what Ella already knew, and that was pretty incriminating in itself.

"Thanks, babe. Let's get this hotdog back to Peanut before I eat it myself."

At the game, Ella's stomach was twirled in knots, not knowing whether she was more nervous about having to be around the dreaded Lola or that she was going to have to learn how to lie through her teeth. When the game was over, she needed to call Ricky. Ricky was the best liar at Bullworth, and who better to get lessons from? She'd have to tell him about Lola but if she swore him to secrecy, he'd never tell Johnny. She was his sister, which thankfully was more sacred than best friend territory.

Bullworth lost, but Ella had expected it when the quarterback threw to the wrong team in their first drive. Johnny cheered for the wrong touchdowns, and Peanut ate six hotdogs and a box of popcorn. Despite their loss, Ella saw vast improvements. The team figured out that, in fact, they only get _four_ downs and the wide receivers stopped dropping the ball as soon as they saw a defender coming after them. She reckoned that by the end of the season the whole team might understand the game just as well as she did and that maybe they'd get at least one touchdown and instead of only a fluke field goal.

Johnny and Peanut managed to wander down to the bus stop after Ella had proposed too many excuses of why she needed to get into her dorm by herself. Running up the steps, she needed to get to her phone before the pair could wander back, wanting to take a leak in her bathroom.

"Ricky?" He picked up after the first ring, to her relief. Mom and dad bought him the cell phone as for emergencies and Ella barely ever called him. If she ever really needed Ricky, normally she'd just go to New Coventry and get him herself.

"I need to see you tomorrow."

"Why?"

"I'm going to catch the earliest bus I can and I'll meet you under the boardwalk."

"Where you used to hang out with Bif? Why?" The concern in Ricky's voice was evident.

"We need to avoid Johnny at all costs."

"What did you do?" Suspicion now, but somewhere a note of amusement.

"Nothing, really. Meet you there at nine?"

"Nine?"

"Please, Ricky, it's matter of... my character."

"Do I need to beat anybody up?"

"No! Just promise. Nine in the morning, under the boardwalk."

"Sure. Wear a heavy coat, it's supposed to be really icy tomorrow."

"Love you, Ricky."

"I love you too, but this better not get me into trouble."

Ella hung up before she could lie, and threw herself into bed. Besides, Ricky wasn't the only person she'd have to talk to in the course of protecting herself against Lola's ways. And that meant she'd have to bust out her Aquaberry again.

Saturday mornings meant that Bullworth was deserted. Everyone was passed out from their Friday night antics. Ella would've gone back to the tenements with Johnny and Peanut, but her apprehension at all the things she need to get done prevented her from leaving the safe haven of her bedroom.

Ricky was right, it was the first really chilly day of fall, right before winter starts to set in and stores begin to put out the first round of Christmas merchandise. Ella loved Christmas, except for when she was at Bullworth. Teachers loved to cram in extra homework and tests before the break. Some students stayed, but Ella didn't know how they could bring themselves to celebrate the holidays in that hellhole. She loved going home, and Thanksgiving would be her first opportunity. The holiday was only a few weeks away, and that meant she'd have to tell her parents about her and Gary. He and Pop Smith always ate dinner over their house. Anne Marie had been banned since Ella and Gary were in third grade but nobody was ever disappointed by her departure. Besides, she liked to spend it at the local dive while everyone at the Pucino house watched the first wave of Christmas movies.

Not this year, Ella thought as the bus clumsily stopped in front of the Yum Yum Market. She'd have to walk about a block or so to the boardwalk, and Ella tried to pretend that the brisk temperatures were refreshing. But actually, she hated the winter.

"You owe me some explanation, sis." Ricky accused, when she clattered down the stairs into the sand.

They each had brought a blanket; Ricky's was already spread on the beach so Ella wrapped hers around both of them. "First, swear that all conversation henceforth will be confidential or risk loss of friendship and sibling-hood."

"I so swear." Ricky answered, rolling his eyes. "You haven't recited the 'oath' since we were kids. This must be serious."

"I need you to teach me to lie."

"I don't know whether I should be flattered or not." He eyed her with skepticism.

"It's really important."

"Who do you to need to lie to, or what about?"

"This is where you have to be able to keep a secret."

"I'd never tell your secrets, no matter what." Ricky replied, smiling. He looked tired, and his eyes were red. She did want to ask him where he had been last night but decide to save that for later.

"Lola is seeing guys other than Johnny."

"That doesn't surprise me, but then again, I never knew whether it was true or not."

"Well it is, and Johnny wants me to keep an eye on her and tell him whether she seems odd or not."

"And you can't lie worth shit."

"To put it mildly."

"I guess I could give you a couple lessons."

"Thank you." She replied with a heavy sigh. "Now I just have to talk to Bif."

"Why?"

"To tell him to keep all Preps away from her!" Ella exclaimed, then sighed. "I don't know if he'll do it, though."

Ricky smirked, nodding. "Tell him that every greaser in town will make an appearance at the annual Taylor bash if he doesn't do his best."

"That's exactly why he broke up with me, you know. So that he could take one of his own to the party."

"Who? His own cousin?"

"Pinky is Derby's cousin, not Bif's. But she's probably related to every Prep at Bullworth, knowing their fondness for inbreeding," Her joke made his smile wider, but she continued with a more sober statement, "But he was going to take Christy anyway."

"Christy's dating Jimmy Hopkins now."

"Why?" Ella asked, wrinkling her nose. "Even you have to see that Bif is more appealing than Jimmy. Physically, at least."

"I see your point. But now we have to strike up a deal. You see, I don't get up before noon for just anybody."

"Oh great. What do you want?" Ella rolled her eyes and folded herself deeper into her blanket. Her coat from last winter was still at home in her closet and the closest thing to warmth she could find was an old Bullworth windbreaker.

"If I teach you how to lie, then you're going to have to go to the dance with Peanut. Not Derby."

"I wasn't going to go with Derby anyway."

"Well then, I'm gonna tell Peanut that you want to go with him."

"I don't, though. Don't make it sound that way. Get him to ask me if he's so hard up for a date."

Ricky stood, his limbs creaking. "I'll try to make you sound less desperate."

"I'm not desperate at all!"

"This is the first time since middle school that you haven't had a steady boyfriend."

"So?"

"I'm just trying to stop you before you go after somebody that you regret."

Ella sighed, before walking after him. "I guess you're going back to sleep?"

"Damn straight."

"When is our first lesson?"

"After you say yes to Peanut's gracious offer. Assuming that you do agree to our deal."

"Whether I do or don't, you're still not allowed to tell Johnny about Lola, no matter what."

"I won't. If he gets to you before I can teach 'How to Lie 101,' make sure you don't crinkle your nose too much. You always do that when you're lying."

"I do not!" Ella shouted after him as he walked into the Yum Yum Market, no doubt getting breakfast before taking his bike back to the tenements. She waddled towards the bus stop, the chill making it difficult for her knees to bend.

She just hoped that this deal would be worth what she was forcing to give up. It's not like she wanted to go with Derby, but he was certainly a better date than Peanut; who had likely forgotten whatever truce they had struck up the day before.

Ella was just starting to wonder if it was all worth it. After all, no Lola meant that Johnny was hers for the taking. But then again, Ella knew she was too spineless to ever double cross somebody like that, even Lola, who had never treated her anywhere close to nice.

After all, Ella knew exactly what it was like to be betrayed by somebody close to you.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Second chapter, as promised! And it's pretty long! Thanks for reading and please review!**

At school, Ricky had a sloppy grin on his face the whole lunch hour. It had been perfectly constructed so that Peanut and Ella would have no choice but to sit next to another. She was already irritated with what she was going to have to do after school, but the fact that everyone kept asking her about the blue of her shirt was putting her in a worse mood.

"I think that Aquaberry sweater goes real nice with your skin, I do, El," Lola commented, swinging her plastic knife very dangerously across the table, "It, uh, really shows your real _colors_."

"Lola, she probably has seven others in her closet that you're welcome to borrow. Since you're so clearly raving about 'em." Peanut replied, shaking his head. "Otherwise, shut up."

"You're a real treat to be around today, Peanut. Jesus, both of you look like you've just been sentenced to a week of detention." Lola retorted, scowling at Peanut's comment.

"Just lay off for a while, Lola." Ricky jumped in, cutting her a look.

The table was quiet for a while, everyone suffering in their own little way. Nobody really knew why anybody else was so moody, but it was evident that something was going on. It wasn't until Johnny managed to bring up another sore subject that there was further conversation.

"I've got a great idea. Why don't you girls go dress shopping? I'm sure that'll be real fun."

"I don't got a reason to dress up, after all, I'm just going with you. What do I need to impress you for, Johnny?"

"I don't have any cash." Ella added, and she felt the crinkle in her nose even before Ricky got the change to reproach her.

"You have some money saved up. Come on, it'll be a good opportunity for you two to have some time to get to know one another without us guys around."

"Ricky's right. I'll give you twenty bucks for a new dress, how does that sound, Lo?" Johnny asked, handing the bill across the table.

"I think I really do deserve to be paid to hang out with such a tragic loser."

Ella didn't protest but rolled her eyes in response. If she didn't have that crush on Johnny then she wouldn't have even sat there while Lola was in the vicinity. Lola and Ella were like two magnets of the same pole pressed against one another. It took force to keep them in that position and if they weren't constantly watched they'd snap violently back into a comfortable spot.

"Well, unfortunately, I'm not available this afternoon. We'll have to reschedule." Ella's words were catty but Lola didn't notice.

"Oh yeah, isn't Peanut supposed to pop the question today?"

"Lola!" Ricky exclaimed, knocking his fist lightly against the table. "Can't you keep your big mouth under control for five minutes?

"Ricky, it's not like I didn't know." Ella shot back, standing up as the bell rang.

"Are you gonna go with him then?"

"Can we not talk about me like I'm not right at this table?" Peanut asked, then somberly continued, "I'm out of here. I hate fucking drama. I'll catch you guys later."

Ella hated it when Ricky nagged her about something. He always did it when he thought something important was occurring, even if in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't. He didn't realize that she didn't respond to the tugging, even after 17 years of life together. Storming towards Harrington House, she didn't realize that Peanut was on her heels until he clattered down the front steps behind her.

"Hey, do you want to go with me or not, El?" His voice shook, but she wasn't sure if it wasn't just the wind gusting between them.

"If you promise not to wear that battered jacket." She answered, turning to look at him.

"Then you gotta promise not to do anything bratty."

"Never." Ella shot back. "We have a deal. Now we're no longer dateless."

Peanut grinned, his plump but sharp face softening. "See you there. Don't think I'm going to bring you flowers, okay?"

"And don't think the dance is going finish with a happy ending." Ella shot back wryly, matching his smile.

"Psh, I already knew that." Peanut was out of earshot by the time Ella managed to process his comment.

Harrington House had never been her favorite place to hang around. It wasn't really that the Preps were unpleasant, but she felt odd just being there. The decorations were too garish. Ella's house didn't have a greenhouse, let alone a garden. Family crests were all over; along with the most confusing family trees anybody had the privilege of analyzing. She couldn't tell the difference between the mothers and the cousins and the children, mostly because the ancestors were so crossed in an attempt the old blood clean. It wasn't exactly working.

Harrington House was a really terrible place for all those involved, even if they weren't going to admit it readily. Her hand froze on the doorknob and everything willed her to step forward.

_Take a second and gather your nerves_, she thought, and stopped totally.

Ella had a habit of hiding from things that were too uncomfortable. Not anymore, she was going to change. She would get better. Ella wasn't going to be the girl who was Gary Smith's best friend, because there was no way she'd get past that if she didn't. She was going to hold her head high. Her entire life she'd been associated with people, not an individual, but part of a package. It was easy, but it was also boring. She wanted to stop being just somebody's daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend. Ella just wanted to be _Ella_. Damn, it was so simple, but Ella had no idea where to begin.

_Just turn your hand. We'll take it one step at a time_. It was true. Change didn't happen in a big way, not to Ella, and if it did, it wouldn't be healthy. She'd already found that one out.

Not even inside the building yet, Derby came blasting inside the foyer, surprising her.

"Have you decided yet? I can _pay_ for a dress if need be, but I also need to know if it's you that I'll be towing on my arm." He asked, gesturing towards her as she slipped by him.

"I'm actually looking for Bif, do you know where he is?"

"Bif asked you too?"

"No, I need too speak to him."

"Fine, but are we going together to the gala?"

Ella stopped, turning back to look at his carefully chiseled face, wondering what genetic snags lay beneath the skin. "It's a _school dance_, Derby. And I've already got a date, thanks."

Derby's voice reached her before the sound of his stomping foot. "_With who_?" He demanded, features crumbling into that of a spoiled brat. "_Bif?_"

"Peanut, actually."

"That slob who hangs around with your brother? This is the last straw, Ella!"

"So? Calm down, Derby, I'm sure Pinky is still secretly saving the date for you."

"I wanted to go with you, and I always get what I want."

"I'll save a dance for you, if it'll make you shut up." She was proud of herself, and could feel the grin creeping onto her features.

"Fine! Go with that ogre. Just make sure you know that I'm taking to you to the Taylor party in December!" Derby shouted, shaking his index finger rapidly.

"I'm not going to that! Bif dumped me for that fucking party. How will it look if I show up with his best friend?"

"I don't know, but don't worry. I'll keep the secret safe."

"What?" Ella replied, narrowing her eyes.

"Go with me and I'll keep my mouth shut about that stupid greaser slut." Derby bargained.

"Fine. You've got a deal."

"I'll foot the bill for the makeover. Don't fret over it my dear."

"Excuse me?" She asked, rolling her eyes. "More that I have to agree to?"

"If we're going to make Taylor pay for what he did, then we're going to have to do it in a grand fashion, won't we?"

"I know what he did to me, but what did he do to you?" Ella asked, watching Derby closely.

"Remember when I cancelled our date because I had the flu?"

"We were going to eat lunch together. It wasn't a date."

"Well, Bif gave me a _black eye_ in the boxing ring. I couldn't be seen like that! The rule is, if you want to have a spot at Harrington house, YOU NEVER HIT DERBY HARRINGTON IN THE FACE!"

Ella's smile had widened so that she could no longer hide it behind her hand. "Can you at least tell me where the fiend is?" She asked, sarcastically.

"He's been living in the boy's dorm. Constantinos didn't have a roommate so Bif hopped on board. I pity him."

She almost defended the dorms, but then remembered the type of person that she was dealing with. "You buy the dress, I'll meet you at the salon to get my hair done and then we'll go to the party. I'm warning you, do not bother me until then. Understand?"

"Just because I have six toes on one foot does not mean I'm an invalid." Derby nodded. "And you mean except for the dance you're saving for me."

"Yes. See you there. I have to ask Bif about something, so bye, Derby." Ella replied, walking back past him and rolling her eyes.

Ready to give up, Ella couldn't help the look of longing she sent towards the girls' dorms as she went to find Bif. It would be so much easier to just let Johnny figure it all out on his own. But as big as her crush was, she didn't want him to get hurt. After all, they started out as friends, which she didn't want to ruin, no matter what happened.

The prefects outside didn't give her a second look as she yanked open the door, and Ella was starting to believe that she could do it. She'd overcome worse than this, that was for sure.

Only one boy was standing her way.

Petey Kowalski.

* * *

Gary, from his reclined position on the tiny piece of rug that wasn't stained, could see Pete's form in the hallway through the doorway. His hands were balled up on his hips, the only part of his body that wasn't reddened from Gary's regular bullying. Intrigued by whom Pete could possibly be speaking to, Gary crawled closer to the door. The rug scratched him unpleasantly, but the girl in the hallway was worth the burn.

"I need you to talk to him." Pete said, holding up one of his tiny hands. "It's really important."

"Can't you trade rooms with someone? Jimmy, maybe."

"No! Jimmy and Gary _hate_ each other. Maybe as much as the two of you do."

"Well, I can't talk to him. I won't, I mean."

"He beats me up everyday!"

"What am I supposed to do about that?" Her expression was not as cold as her words, however.

Ella's forehead creased, like it did when she had been having a longer day than she was used to. Her hair was straight again, but the ends were waving back into curls. She wasn't dressed in her Bullworth uniform, but the loathsome Aquaberry that had once gotten her into more trouble than she ever wanted. The Bullworth history books wouldn't state that Ella Pucino had been the spark that ignited the Bullworth Vale vandalisms during their sophomore year. What they would say is that twenty or so unknown ruffians- greasers- began to throw heavy items- lawn gnomes and other miscellaneous expensive yard decorations- into the front windows of several prominent homes located in the heart of the Vale. Also left out would be the tiny fact that they were drunk and searching for Ricky Pucino's not-so-little sister in the company of a Mr. Parker Ogilvie. Ah yes, this terrible night for every money-grubbing family was caused by the rage of an older brother trying to protect a sister's virginity. Too bad that most will either forget the true story or simply never know it, Gary thought, smiling to himself.

But even though she was frustrated, Gary counted the few seconds before she would take that last statement back. Ella cared too much about silly things like Peter Kowalski's wellbeing, and he wondered whether Pete would continue to block her path or step aside.

"I'm sorry, I'm just stressed. What do you think I can do?" Ella asked, although the doubt in her voice was very evident.

"You can talk to him."

"That I absolutely cannot do. I'm sorry, Pete. That's out of the question."

"Why not? He'll listen to you."

"No, he really won't. Come on, Pete, can't we talk about this later?" Ella's mouth twisted, and Gary could see something else in her face.

He'd only seen it once, but since they weren't friends, weren't civil to one another, Gary just put his nose back into his book. If he pretended not to notice it, then he didn't have to take responsibility. That's right, if she didn't care, then neither did he, and he knew that it was much easier for him than it _ever_ would be for Ella. Ella's was too empathetic- _no, just pathetic,_ the devil drawled lowly. Such a loser.

Gary just had to keep up that mindset for a little longer and then he'd never care about anybody else again. He'd turned down Pop Smith's offer for a normal Thanksgiving dinner at Pop's new girlfriends' house, with the Carlsons. Gary thought that might have been Thad's family, and his new desire for power had nothing to do with the geeks, unless it included turning them against Jimmy. But everything in time, as his mother had always said. It was mostly a stalling tactic.

"Come on, Ella, I'm really tired of getting hurt. I need your help."

He must've looked pitiable, because she replied, "I will eventually, but not right now-"

"He's in our room, it's perfect!"

Ella sighed deeply. "No, it's not. Please, Pete, I have a lot of things to do, and none of them are enjoyable."

They were both quiet for a moment, as if trying to decide how to influence the other. Petey broke it, but not in the way that Gary would've expected.

"Are you okay, El? You look really pale."

"I'm fine, I told you, and I'm just really overwhelmed right now. Sorry, Pete."

Creeping slowly closer to the doorframe, Gary could see exactly what Kowalski meant. Ella was always fair, but the salmon patches on her cheeks were missing. Carnation lips blanching, she shook Pete's comment away.

"I think you need to sit down." Pete's voice was wavering, panic barely escaping. "If only for just a second, it won't slow you down, I promise."

"No thanks, I've got to go. See you later, all right, Petey? Call me?"

"Ella-" He was cut off by a loud thud that reminded Gary of the noise of her knees hitting the tile in the bathroom so long ago.

Gary leapt up, only because he knew that somehow she deserved this little bit of kindness in a strange way. Retribution, if you will. She was there for him once and now he just had to make sure that she was okay.

"What happened?" Gary asked, pushing Gary aside.

"I don't know! I was going to say goodbye and then her eyes rolled back into her head and, well, she collapsed! Is she okay?"

"She's got a bad fever," Gary answered, barely pressing his palm against her forehead. "Get the prefects from outside. Get them quickly, do whatever you have to."

"She'll get into trouble for being here."

"Tell them that I snuck her in, don't worry."

Gary's voice was too calm, devoid of any emotion, which made Petey realize just how crazy his roommate really was. But if he really knew Gary, he would've been able to see the horror etched across his sharp features and the taut lines tugging his mouth into a grimace. This frown wasn't caused by irritation that he had to deal with such simpletons, but because he knew what also happened the last time, when they were just kids. She'd fainted the last time too, but she'd been at home then. Her parents had called the family doctor who had a full schedule, and referred them to somebody else. That other doctor had barely graduated medical school and because of that, Ella was sick for such a long time. Gary had never seen anybody so ill in his entire life, which at that point was only ten years long.

_"Are you gonna die, Ella? I don't know what I would do if that happened." Gary asked, his heels gently tapping the legs of his chair. _

_ "I hope not. We have to finish that game of Monopoly that we started last summer." She replied, her lavender lips and thin transparent voice losing the joke._

_ "Do you promise?" _

_ "Not to die?" _

_ "Yes. Do you promise?" Gary demanded, serious. His eyes crinkled to keep him from crying. _

_ "I really want to, Gary. I'll promise if you promise me something." _

_ "Of course, Ellie. Anything." The nickname made his throat bubble, like the hidden tears were choking him. _

_ "Promise that if I do, you know, die, that you'll cry at my funeral." _

_ "That's a stupid promise!" _

_ "I know, but you have to." _

_ "I promise, Ellie, I do. Because I love you." _

Remembering that scene from so ago made him even more determined to get her help faster than it happened the last time. He asked Ethan to help him get her onto the couch in the common room. Ella's pocket bulged with the cell phone that matched his own, although his was green and hers pink.

Max McTavish was the prefect that Pete dragged inside. McTavish was only a little peeved about a girl inside the boys' dorms.

"I used my walkie talkie to get Nurse MacRae. She's called an ambulance." McTavish barked, looking at Gary. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Pete's mouth opened, but was shut by Gary's explanation. "I called her over because she said she needed help with her math homework and we're in the same class. I didn't know she wasn't feeling well. We talked in the hallway first, I'm sure that even you knew that we weren't getting along. We argued for a bit until she just fell down. I can't explain it."

The prefect seemed accept the story, but even if he was going to question it, MacRae and the EMT crew rushed in. Usually Bullworth didn't make such a fuss, but usually students didn't collapse, unless it was during midterms or finals. And midterms had been two weeks ago, so maybe they were going to make a big deal of it.

Standing aside while she was put into the ambulance outside, Pete and Gary stood together. Pete looked flustered, his ears enflamed and hands fidgety.

"How come you lied for me? For both of us?" Pete asked, his fingers seizing the ends of his sleeves.

"Because I thought it was the most efficient way to get her help. I don't like her, but I don't think she should get hurt because of me." Gary answered, his words tight. "I'm going to call her parents now, so stay out of the room."

Ella's pink cell phone glittered within his hands, and he shut the door behind him. He wasn't looking forward to it, but Gary thought they deserved to get the calls early, before the hospital could make any decisions without them. Scrolling down to where it said** Mom Work**, Gary hit the necessary buttons and waited.

"Hello, Happy Volts Asylum, how can I help you?" The intonation on the other end was merry and inviting, but it didn't fool Gary in the least.

He was stunned. For too long, because that voice wasn't as merry the second time she greeted him, because he couldn't find the right phrases in time.

"Uh, does a Mrs. Pucino work here?"

"Yes, what is your business?"

"Can I please speak with her? It's important."

"Yes, sir, just a moment."

There was an appropriate lapse in time until a wearier woman spoke. "Hello? This is Isabel Pucino."

"Mrs. Pucino, this is Gary."

"Gary Smith?" He could picture the purse of her lips as she said it. It wasn't because she knew of the fissure between him and her daughter, but because she was genuinely confused about the nature of the conversation.

"Yeah."

"It's nice to hear from you, Gary, but I've got a lot of patients to tend to."

"I know, but Ella was just taken to the hospital."

"W-what happened?" Her voice caught for a moment.

"She fainted or something, I don't know exactly. It felt like she had a fever."

"Oh no, she might have that awful flu virus again."

"I thought that, so I just wanted to let you know before the hospital could do anything without you."

"Thank you so much, Gary. I'm going to go now, but please, don't be a stranger. Are you coming for Thanksgiving? That's right?" Her question was more of a statement, but Gary pretended not to notice.

"I'm not sure. Can I ask a quick question before you go?"

"Yes?"

"How long have you worked with Happy Volts?"

"I don't know, about a year? Why?"

Gary gritted his teeth. It was almost soothing compared to the rage floating in his ribcage. "Nothing, bye, Mrs. Pucino."

He threw the phone against the floor before she could reply, watching as it flipped closed when it struck the rug. He was right about not trusting Ella after all. Gary was betrayed and in the worst way.

Gary didn't know what to feel about that.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: New chapter! This is going to be a pretty Ella-centric part of the story, which I did accidentally, but I think it makes sense. Sooo… this is also pretty dramatic chapter, which I kind of liked. Let me know what you all think! Thanks for reading and please review! **

Ella couldn't remember the last time she'd been in a hospital, let alone a doctor's office. She rarely got sick, a trait she inherited from her father- her real one, for the genetics certainly weren't from her mother. Mrs. Pucino was known to always to carry a box of tissues with her, and not just the little purse packs, either. Ricky, unfortunately took after her, subject to all the little viruses that made their way around Bullworth during the winter. He pretended not to be, and that's probably why he couldn't stop rubbing his nose no matter what.

"I wish that Johnny was here. I mean, it's not really fair." Ricky said, handing his younger sister a cup of water. "Lola had a crisis and you know how it is."

Ella had been in the hospital for three days and had already seen Johnny at least six times. "It's okay. Vance, Lefty, and Hal went out to get us lunch. Did I tell you that?"

"Aren't you supposed to eat this terrible hospital food?" Ricky asked, "Mom said you had no appetite."

"Well, both are true, but I thought it'd be nice for you to eat something besides this 'terrible hospital food.'" She replied, smiling.

It was nice to have someone besides her mom caring- or rather, smothering- for her, and since her dad was swamped with cars that needed to be winterized before the first frost, Ricky had volunteered to step up. Not that he needed prodding, he remembered just as well as anybody how the last time Ella wound up at the hospital had been. The time before that, when Ricky had broken Ella's collarbone- by accidentally knocking her off his brand new bike- had been much different. In retrospect, nearly pleasant compared to the latter visits.

"I picked up your mail from school. I think there's a bunch of cards in there."

"Count on Bullworth to only care when they think you're gonna die."

"Don't say things like that."

"Whatever."

"Derby sent that ridiculous bouquet in the corner. Talk about pissing away money."

Ella smiled internally. Something like that would make Ricky very irritated. "It's just his way of trying to be nice. Can't blame him if he gets it wrong, he's had very little practice."

The flowers were purple and blue, and the basket they were in took up nearly the whole table they precariously balanced on. A get-well balloon cluster floated up from a wilting tropical bloom that was about the size of a cantaloupe. Johnny's velvety teddy bear was tucked underneath her arm and the others, and the rest of the little gifts from the all of Ricky's greaser friends made a tower on one of the chairs. Her parents had tried to coax her out of her sickness with the offer of a very old used car that she'd be free to use during the summer, but obviously had been hanging out in the backyard in New Coventry.

"Lefty's at the door." Ella said, pointing. "I'm going to check out some of these cards while the three of you eat."

Ricky nodded and left her alone as she thumbed through some of the cards. People she'd barely ever spoken with had scribbled most of them, but a few were actually sweet. She couldn't remember the last time she'd spoken with Bif, but his card was filled with well wishes and a strong reminder that he couldn't visit because Ricky was keeping guard. Ella thought for a split second that maybe she should give him another chance, until the bear clutched between her arm and her torso touched bare skin. Johnny Vincent was somewhere, she thought, and she was just going to wait for him to give up that stupid Lola. For once, she wasn't going to rush into any superficial relationship just to make sure that she didn't have to tell people that she was single. She'd wait, and if sooner or later Ella wasn't going to be the only girl on his arm then she would find somebody else that was worth it. She wasn't going to drool over any more guys that were just going to dump her because they thought Ella wasn't good for their image.

The largest card out of the bunch was packaged neatly in a pretty lilac colored envelope. There was a picture of a puppy in a nurse's uniform on the front that beckoned Ella to get well, but on the inside, the handwriting in red marker caught her off guard.

_Ellie, _

_ It's too bad that I can't visit you at the hospital, but the Bullworth buses don't go there, but even if they did I probably wouldn't anyway. I'm kind of sorry that you're sick, because I wouldn't have figured out what a rat you actually are. I thought that maybe someday we'd get over whatever stupid high school drama that we're having and go back to being two people who are so magnetic that they can't bear to spend a minute apart. I realize now that it's never going to happen, since as much as I tried to convince myself that you're the one holding a grudge; it's me. I can't stop. Every time I try and bring myself to apologize, because I did act like an asshole that one time- and every time after- I can't forgive you. You lied to me when I needed you the most and that hurts worse than just pretending that you hated me. Do you? I need to know, I can't think of any reason that you could do what you did, but then again I could never figure you out. Every time I thought I had gotten the hang of it, every time I had you pinned, you pulled out of it. You're predictable but you're confusing. There's no other way to put it. _

_ I don't want to see you ever again, okay? Not even our playful exchanges and arguments at and around school. I'm not ever going to stick up for you again when Mandy calls you a dirty Greaser wreck and I'm not going to ever tell Bif to stay away from you anymore. Didn't you wonder why he never came back to you? I stopped him, secretly, of course. To keep you from getting hurt. But now that I know you're capable of handing out pain, I'm going to assume that you're able to accept it as well. _

_ I'm sure you're confused about what you did exactly, then I don't know what to tell you. I'll give you three clues, but you're going to have to figure out the rest. _

_ Your mother got a new job. _

_ It's at a place really sort of similar to where you are now. _

_ You were supposed to meet me there this summer. _

_ That's all really. I don't want to talk to you. We can communicate via letter if you need some closure but that's it. _

_ -G.S._

The words had caught her so hard that she couldn't help the tiny gasping breaths shuddering in her ribcage. Ricky didn't notice her suffering, not over his guffaws with the boys. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so terrible about something that she'd done, not something as serious as that. She didn't mean it to be a betrayal, but that's how it had seemed, at least to Gary and his already fragile psyche.

Ella tried to remember the reason she'd convinced herself was good enough but came up empty. This new feeling of guilt trumped whatever strain of the flu was keeping her in the hospital.

* * *

A couple weeks after her stint with the flu, Ella and Johnny were in the stands again, watching the football team run laps during their practice. He thought it might cheer her up, but really, it was just relaxing, watching the gold and blue travel around the oval track, over and over. She felt like she might be getting back into the swing of things, even if her stomach still ached when Ella saw Gary, when she couldn't catch his eye. But Ricky and Johnny were making sure that she never had time to wallow in self-pity, that she was always occupied, as if this were going to keep her from getting sick again.

"I unpacked that last duffel that you were keeping on the foot of your bed this morning." Johnny said, leaning over, the leather of his jacket creaking. He grunted like there was something else he wanted to add, and Ella thought she knew what it was.

"When you were supposed to be in Bio?" Ella asked, grinning.

"Yeah, when I was supposed to be dissecting. I found it, ya know. I read it, I knew I shouldn't have, but I just thought that it was another card, I was going to add it to your collection on the window sill."

"Oh." She stated, watching as the tree branches swept with the late November blustering wind. "I guess you have questions, then."

"Well, yeah, Ella. Gary's a fucking asshole, and whatever he's trying to pin on you, it's just ridiculous. Smith doesn't have the authority to make you feel like you're constantly doing something wrong."

"It's not just that. I did something really terrible, and he just wants to make sure that I know it. Not like I'd forget, but I really do deserve it, Johnny."

"I don't get it."

"You wouldn't," Upon seeing his sour expression, she clarified, "I mean that you wouldn't understand the situation Nobody would, except for the two of us, Gary and me."

"Tell me what happened, tell me, please."

"I can't, it's too personal, it's also not my story to tell, at least, not only mine, I mean. I can't tell it because it might destroy whatever is keeping me from staying in bed all day."

"I don't think that it's healthy to be storing all these hurt feelings inside, Ella. You've been a bird with a broken wing for so long that sometimes I barely know who you are."

"The card you found, there's a long story behind it..." She trailed, "Fuck. I don't know how to explain this to a normal person. You won't be sympathetic."

"I don't have to be sympathetic to him, but I won't judge you, I promise."

Ella cleared her throat, and looked to the football team. They were stagnant, clustered around the coach. She thought that maybe it was too quiet to tell him, that anybody could hear them and know how she'd been. Ella knew that most people never could comprehend when their actions are so appalling that they hurt other people. She could always tell, though. She knew that accidentally tearing other people apart was an unfortunate talent of hers.

"Gary wasn't at Happy Volts for observation because he was violent. I made that up, because nobody would doubt that explanation. He-" Her voice choked, and Ella scraped a few dusty coughs from her lungs. "He tried to kill himself. I don't know how serious an attempt it was, because I never went to see him there. Ever. I should have, but I just… couldn't."

There was a quick silence, but Johnny was careful not to let it settle, to force her to continue. "Holy shit. I wouldn't have thought it, but anything is possible."

"There's more. I mean, I know, when I think about it rationally at least, that it wasn't my fault but when I let my mind wander, I just loathe myself. I did something, that I'm pretty positive lead to the suicide."She took a deep breath that seemed to shake her whole body, fragile from the flu and whatever damage that her story caused. "Last summer, I was barely hanging out with Gary. Hardly ever. I spent all my time with Bif and his friends. Worse, whenever I saw Gary, I just talked about Bif, and then I complained about those stupid preps. I was a total bitch, but I never realized it until it was too late. Promise you won't ever repeat what I'm about to tell you." Her eyes were pleading, her chest heaving with the effort of explaining.

"I won't, but it's not your fault if Smith was feeling lonely. It's fault because he's fucking disagreeable. Nobody but you liked him."

"No, that's not it. If was just that, I would've seen him, it wouldn't have been so hard. Gary has always been porcelain, if you know what I mean. His mother is always beating him, and not just physically. The way she speaks to him, treats him, I know it's always made him feel useless. She's told him that he was the biggest mistake of her like, the decision that she always wanted to change. Annemarie tells him that, reminds him every chance she can manage. But that's not my point. When I could, I would always push my luck with him, just enough so that I felt a little bit wanted. I don't know if that's normal or not, but whenever I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention from the opposite sex, I'd just cuddle up with Gary and I'd feel better."

"When you say cuddle, what acts am I supposed to assume occurred?"

"Johnny, I'm about to tell you the biggest mistake of my life, and you're trying to act brotherly." Ella scolded, checking her watch. "It's getting late, I don't know if you want to head back to catch dinner with the boys."

"I don't care. Keep going." He scoffed, catching one of her trembling hands. It was cold, but he kept the pressure constant, as if clenching a wound between his palms.

"You're going to hate this, I know I do, just about every time I stop and let myself think. I don't even know why I'm going to tell you this, considering that I hardly ever let myself dwell upon what happened. Every spare moment I try to erase my actions, but they're still there. Indelible. The finality of one little decision impacted so much."

"El." Johnny coaxed, pulling her closer. "I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as you think."

"Near the end of June, Bif and I had a big fight about something stupid. We broke up for just a week, just long enough for me to do something ridiculous. I spent more time with Gary that week than I did that whole spring, and summer, come to think of it. He comforted me; he tucked in the little ends that I had left open and sore. He used to be good at things like that, he used to be tender. I ruined him, Johnny. I had to go and press just a little harder than I normally would, and I messed him up worse than his mother did.

"It was late at night, and Gary and I were walking around the neighborhood while the night was cooling down. Our air conditioner time at home was being rationed; my mom and dad were portioning it so the electric bill wouldn't skyrocket. We were out for a long time and I snuck my hand into his, just to see what that would feel like. I'd never done it before, and I just wanted to test it. Then I rubbed against him, tighter, and then I kissed him, just once. Just because I thought a new set of lips would be nice, I would forget about Bif and whatever was pissing me off. One kiss led to another, to several, and then I forgot that he was Gary and that he was damaged and he wasn't my boyfriend, and I asked him if anybody was home at his house. Ours was crowded, Ricky had all you boys over, my Mom and Aunt Bette were looking through her vacation pictures and there was no way I could sneak inside the house and do what I wanted to do. It was the first time I'd ever felt that way, like if I didn't keep going then I might explode. Exploring this new tendril of intimacy wasn't enough, plus Gary was too nervous to keep his hands moving, especially if we were outside, where anybody could see us. It turned out that his house was empty. I remember it so well. I remember that he had new sheets on his bed, grown up plaid instead of the baseball pattern he'd been using since childhood.

"I had just enough sense to ask him when that had happened, when his innocence had disappeared, but he didn't answer. In the quiet he was getting brave and I was ready to do something that I had only ever _thought_ about doing. I don't know where the compulsion had come from, because that's what it had to be, I can't imagine where that once tiny longing had become so fully fledged that I couldn't even fight to conceal it. When I reached for Gary's shirt, when I stretched over his head, I realized that it wasn't going to stop, that we wouldn't suddenly reach a point where we'd pull away and turn on the TV and go back to being one another. It was like all of a sudden we were these two primal beings and only one thing would be enough to end it."

Sensing that she might stop to keep from telling the most delicate part of the story, he scalloped Ella's body, pushing so that the pair was wedged against another, locking in their body heat.

Ella relaxed finally. "We had been so in tune that night, I hardly realized it was the first time, you know, the first time I had sex. When we were done, I told him, and he sort of freaked out, big time. I don't know why that offended him so much, I couldn't figure out why he was so disgusted, but it hurt. I was so fucking selfish. It went to that point where I couldn't understand where he was coming from, that stagnant place that we had been tiptoeing about for such a long time. I used to know Gary, but that just reaffirmed that I didn't know him as well as I thought. A week later, I pretended like it never happened and I tried it with Bif. I think you're assuming that the mistake was having sex with _Gary_, but it wasn't, all the trouble came from doing it with Bif. I hadn't been safe with Gary, I know it was stupid but it was too quick to think about it. But I was _late_ and when I told Gary that he shouldn't really worry about it because he wasn't the last one I was with, he had a conniption. I understood it, but not the magnitude. He screamed at me, like nobody ever has.

"He said that I treated him like a trial run, for the real thing, that he wasn't worth the effort I put into getting him into bed. I was mad at him, and I said things I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have said some things, I shouldn't have mentioned his brother, Dean, who lives with his father in some suburb a few miles away and goes to some fancy prep school. Gary's father took Dean because he was younger than Gary and not as fucked up by Annemarie, not yet at least, a preventative measure. I shouldn't have mentioned Dean, but I did. I do things that I regret when I'm pissed, and he had made me feel so shitty about what we did that somehow I convinced myself at that moment that he deserved it. I don't know why. After that, in the middle of August, a few weeks before school started, he tried to, well, you know. I couldn't bring myself to see him. What if the doctors wanted to talk to me because they knew that somehow I had been part of it? I didn't want to see him because I was ashamed and selfish and I will never forgive myself. I don't deserve his sympathy, or yours. I'm sorry, Johnny, I'm sure this was a terrible thing to hear and I hope I'll never have to say it ever again, and I know I'm explaining myself to the wrong person, but I don't know what to do. I'm a mess, and I'm your friend, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're a little embarrassed about that."

Johnny pressed his face closer to her ear, whispering quietly, "I'm not, I'm just taken aback. I don't know what to say, except you can't beat yourself up. Talk to him; maybe just tell him what you told me. Tell him you're a confused, hormonal girl and you can't be held responsible for his shortcomings. He's a fuck up, Ella, and you're a lot more than that."

She sighed, but it sounded more like a train running across her windpipe, it could've been from the cold or the leftover flu, but it was probably from the effort of the tale. "You can't see it, but I am a fuck up. I'm a horrible person, a person that will never get any better at being a human being because I have no practice at it."

"I don't think you're inhuman. I think you're Ella, and I don't care what you've done. You've always been a saint to me, haven't you?"

She shrugged and looked down into her palm, sweaty but cold. "I don't know think I need to tell you this, but this story can never leave your lips, understand? Nobody else knows, unless Gary has been telling the rest of the student body, which is always possible. Okay?"

"Of course, El. You remember what you have to do for me, right?"

"No." She replied, following his path down the bleachers. The field lights were being shut off, and Ella grasped his shoulder for support. She could see the steam rising from the basement of the gym, all those football players showering before going back to the cafeteria for dinner.

"You promised you'd go with Lola dress shopping, she wants to go tomorrow, okay?"

"I don't want to go with her. Haven't you realized we're not friends, and we'll never be?" Ella inquired, watching as he turned sharply, to look at her.

"I don't care, but you said you'd go, and I know you need a dress because you've been in the hospital forever and Peanut still expects to go with you."

"Can't I just go dress shopping with Derby? I can just use it twice, simple as that."

"What do you mean, 'use it twice'? And since when do you go shopping with that spoiled asshole?"

"I don't ever go out with him." She stuttered, wondering why he was so adamant about her going with Lola. "I'm going to the Taylor bash with him in a couple weeks. The one they have every winter? I know you wouldn't know, but that's why I'm going dress shopping with him, he's buying. You know my taste is much too cheap for him."

She played it as thought it was nothing to be concerned with, but Johnny was eerily silent. His boots crunched against the last of the drying leaves that had fallen from the empty trees, and when they stopped in front of the girls' dorms, he barely said goodbye, just waving and trotting to meet the school bus. Just when she thought that the two of them had an understanding, he went and pulled something like that. Ella was being to wonder if she ever really did know anybody besides herself, but knowing that her own personality was more strange to her than Johnny's, she sighed and dashed inside from the cold.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Two chapters in one night! I also liked this chapter, even though its still all Ella. Don't worry though, Gary's definitely in the next one. Anyhow, thanks for reading and please review!**

It was after English, her last class on Thursday, and with the dance only a week or so away, Lola had made it very clear that they- and by 'they' she obviously meant only Ella- were going to have a difficult time finding anything that would look decent. Ella didn't have much of a budget for a party dress, but Ricky had reluctantly lent her twenty bucks at Johnny's bidding, and she had twenty of her own, so it wouldn't be that difficult, she hoped.

She just needed to force her feet to meet Lola by the school gates, where they would get a ride from her older sister to Lola's favorite store, where the clientele was much more into leather and hard rock than Ella would ever be. Halfway there, her phone chirped. It had to be Lola calling it off, she thought. A miracle.

"Hello?" Too excited, Ella regretted.

"It's Mom, honey." The voice on the other end replied, sounding surprised. "Can you spare a second?"

"Sort of, I kind of have to meet a friend to go shopping. But a minute or two I can spare, so shoot."

"You know your cousin, Amy?" Her mother's voice had a strange tone in it, as though she were about to ask for an impossible favor, but Ella couldn't figure out how.

"Yes?"

"Well, she's going to be staying with us for a while."

"How long is a while?" Ella growled.

Okay, she could admit it. Ella never got along with other girls. Whether it was a character flaw or just a personal preference, she didn't know, but girls her own age sent her hackles flying up. And even though they were cousins, related through their mothers, Amy was no exception. She hated Amy, and it wasn't because Ella chose to be friends with only males- because Amy was an annoying little liar and cheat and had only gotten worse with age. Amy stole everything Ella had, from her favorite pair of earrings to her boyfriends, and Ella wasn't going to deal with it, especially now.

"Well, if she's going to be staying with you and Daddy, fine, whatever."

"She's not, though." A pause, too poignant to be ignored by those who knew better, she followed with, "Her stepfather is footing the bill for her to stay at Bullworth. And you have the only single in the girls' dorm-"

"No! No way is she staying with me; I won't ever let her. I will fucking kick her out the moment she gets there, mom, I swear to God! I am having a really hard time at school without my stupid bitch cousin being there and I won't let it get any worse."

"Well, honey, it's just coincidence that you're the last single, you couldn't do anything about that. And she's been causing a lot of problems for Aunt Vi, so she needed something quick, and Bullworth is the best option."

"I don't give a shit. I'm late anyway, so I guess I'll have to talk to you later." Ella slammed her phone shut and jogged to the late model car smoking on the sidewalk.

Ella could barely share her room at home during the few hours when Amy and her family would visit for the holidays, and usually something went missing. Having her as a roommate would be even worse. And Ella didn't know how to deal with living with somebody else, not in her tiny room at Bullworth. All at once, just when things were starting to seem maybe just a little bit better, the world just got a little more impossible to deal with.

"You're usually so punctual, El," Lola rasped, as Ella shimmied into the back seat.

"Sorry, I had an important call."

"Was it Johnny, damn it, if it was Johnny, I'm going to kill him." Lola shot her a look from the rearview mirror that meant that she would rather kill Ella instead.

"No, it wasn't, it was Peanut. He wanted to know what color dress I was getting so that he could get a matching tie."

Lola scoffed. "Peanut couldn't match two colors if you chose them for him. If you're covering for Johnny, your lies aren't making it any better for him."

"Whatever, Lola, I don't want to argue. I have a headache."

"Does it have something to do with him?"

"Johnny? No! It has nothing to do with him. Do you really want to know? My cousin, the only cousin that I hate, is coming to live with me. It's not bad enough that I don't get along with girls, because come on, you could've picked that up on your own, even _you_ have enough perception for that, but it has to be the one girl that I will never, ever, even be able to attempt a friendship with. A person-" Ella swallowed and corrected herself, "A girl, that I hate even more than you."

Lola's sister hit the breaks suddenly. "Do you want me to kick her out, Lo?"

"No, Marlene, keep going." Lola sounded a little deflated.

It was eons before they stopped at the store, and when they got out, Lola turned to her. Ella was afraid that she was going to hit her, but Lola just pursed her lips instead.

"You hate me?" Lola asked.

"I don't... I don't hate you, but you get so annoying sometimes that I just can't control myself." Ella answered, waiting for Lola to pull open the boutique's door.

"And here I am, trying extra hard for Johnny to be nice to you. I agree to go shopping with you, and here you are, acting like a friggin' diva."

"You're trying to be nice? Usually when people act like bitches, that would be considered the opposite of nice."

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Why would Johnny want to be friends with you in the first place? Huh?"

"Maybe _just_ because Johnny and I are friends." Ella suggested, reaching past to her to the push open the door, but Lola stuck her forearms in the way. "Can you move please, so we can get this over with?"

"Johnny is a man, and you are a woman. That can only mean one thing. And you two spend too much time with one another."

"We spend time together as friends. And I think I've told you that guys are the only people I've been able to be friends with."

"If you had a boyfriend, wouldn't you be suspicious if he was spending time with another girl? Wouldn't it bother you?" Lola shouted, pushing Ella back. Her features clouded. "It's like he's going behind my back just to hang out with you."

"You cheat on him all the time!" Ella retorted. "And with preps!"

"I cheat on him, because he uses all his attention up on you. And when he sees me, I'm just Lola. I'm a constant for him, but here you are, a fragile, damaged little girl that he has to shield from pain. What about me? Doesn't he think that sometimes I get hurt? Why does he have to waste it all on you?" Lola was sobbing, and before Ella could register what was going on, Lola collapsed into her arms.

"Lola, I'm sorry. If I knew that you didn't want me to spend time with him, I would've stopped."

"No, you wouldn't, you just said you hated me."

"You're right, maybe I wouldn't have, but now I have a fresh perspective. I'll stop, I promise. But you have to stop cheating on him."

"I know, but I think I'm falling for Gord. And maybe Chad. I don't know."

"You just like their attention. Come on, you've got to stop. I can't lie, and Johnny's been asking me about your fidelity. He does care sometimes, but you have to show him why he should be in love with you. He is now, but if you keep doing what you're doing, then he's going to stop loving you."

"I know." Lola swiped at her cheeks. "What did you do when Gary stopped paying attention to you?"

"Gary and I weren't dating. We were friends. I guess I just replaced him with Johnny, because we are just friends. Understand me?"

"Oh, I just meant that you two were friends until he started spreading rumors about you. Is it true that you have three STDS?" When she saw Ella's scowl, Lola sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I mean, if you're going to stop being friends with Johnny, I guess you can be my friend. I don't have any girlfriends either."

Ella didn't know whether to be floored or grateful to her, but Lola was holding the door open. Maybe she didn't need an answer, which Ella couldn't help smiling at. Ella was the opposite; she always needed to _know_. She needed somebody to tell her what was going on at the movies; she needed someone to tell her why they were mad at her. She didn't like to leave ends untied. Ella would like her life to be a nice little package, but instead, the wrapping was wrinkled and faded and whatever was inside was so broken and malfunctioning that it wasn't worth it sometimes.

"Well, are you going to try it on, or not?" Lola asked, and Ella realized that the girl had been talking to her that entire time.

"Oh yeah, sure, whatever."

It wasn't her style at all, but the price was right on. Ella was the kind of girl that would rather wear a ball gown than a cocktail dress, but her budget didn't leave much room for evening wear. The dress was a pretty turquoise color, with a darker blue-green bow around the bust. Several layers of black crinoline that gently bubbled out from underneath the hem fluffed the satin skirt. Ella's favorite aspect, and maybe the only redeeming factor of the dress was the heart-shaped rhinestone brooch that peaked from the curves of the bow, shaped like a heart. Ella liked hearts for some reason, even if she was never, ever, lucky in love.

"I don't know, I think it's took much."

"I think that it's only thirty dollars and I know that you're just as poor as me and that even for us, that's a good price. I mean, your brother lives in the tenements, so your family can't be made of money-"

And idea formed in Ella's head. "What did you just say?"

"Oh my gawd, I did it already, right? That's why I have no friends. I have a huge fucking mouth."

"No, Lola, you're still my best and only girlfriend. Did I mention that you have the best ideas, both in fashion and in life?"

Lola grinned. "My mom always told me I was something special, even if she did leave when I was six."

"Lola, you're brilliant."

Amy could come and live at the girls' dorms in Ella's single, fine, whatever. But who said that Ella had to be there when Amy moved in? Ricky had been living in the tenements since his sophomore year and Ella hated everybody on campus anyway.

Maybe life _was_ looking a little bit better. In a matter of hours, Ella had gained a friend and lost a roommate, and she had even picked out her dress for the dance.

* * *

"Lola, I don't want my hair teased." Ella insisted, dodging Lola's weapon. "I think I'll just leave it like it is."

"But you need more volume!" She replied, trying to set the hair comb near Ella's scalp.

"Don't bring that near me!" Ella's voice was strained, and she stood up as the door opened, bringing in their dates and the strong odor of aftershave and cologne.

"We could've been naked!" Lola shrieked, taking her boyfriend's hand.

"That's what we were hoping for." Peanut admitted, waving at Ella. "Are you two ready yet? We've been waiting for hours."

He tripped over a pair of sneakers on his way to meet Ella with the wilting corsage he'd picked up at the florist a day too early, forgetting that the dance was on a Friday night and not Thursday. The freezer had been full, so the poor flower had been perched as close to the icebox as possible, balanced on weeks of old leftovers. Ella hoped that it didn't smell like their fridge. Only five days removed from moving all her belongings on the school bus for an entire afternoon, she didn't think she could take much more of the culture shock. The girls' dorms weren't new or even remotely clean, but they were nicer than _this_. She wondered whether living with her cousin would've been better than the tenements.

No. It wouldn't have. And she would soon find out, at least within the next hour and a half.

Last Sunday, all the greasers that Johnny had on hand were employed in bringing boxes of Ella's things to the curb, and then waiting for the bus to bring them into the heart of New Coventry, where they then had to drag them down four busy blocks, where bums offered to buy her underwear and broken lava lamp during the entire trip. She had successfully ignored them until they got into the building.

_"You don't have an elevator? You live on the fifth floor!" Ella panted, slumping against the box of desk things, including her computer chair. _

_ "Nope. Welcome to New Coventry Heights." Johnny grinned, thumbing his finger across her nose. _

_ "I'm going to kill you for convincing me to room with all of you." _

_ "Like I really needed to. Lola told me what you said about Amy. Plus, like I could really let you live in such a hostile environment." _

_ Ella could barely fight the smile creeping into her lips. "Speaking of Lola, she will kill us if she catches us __**speaking**__." _

_ "Lola never said anything about us having a conversation. She said we weren't allowed to hang out." _

_ "I think we're hanging out. I'm going outside to find Ricky. This is your box to lug upstairs, by the way." _

_ "I like a challenge, you know. I thrive on it. I love to race, I love to fight. I'll fight her and then race you up to the bedroom." _

_ "Johnny!" Ella exclaimed, glancing towards the doorway. "If I get murdered because you can't resist talking dirty, my family will sue you for everything you have." _

_ "I have fifteen dollars in my wallet!" Johnny shouted, as Ella pulled the first of what would seem like infinite boxes up the stairwell._

Ella and Peanut followed the other pair down to the car, where Johnny announced, "Our limo awaits."

An old Cadillac sat against the curb, scuffed and rusted, and she wondered whether it actually ran as Johnny opened the driver's side door.

"We did this one up special, ladies, it's true." Peanut said, as Ella crawled into the back seat after him.

"When you pull down this visor, you get this lovely collection of birth control. We have all means and varieties from the pill form to condoms. It is in everyone's best interest to control the rate of teen pregnancy. And we have also tossed a coin. Lola and I get the back seat and my bedroom, while Peanut and Ella have won use of the front and of Ella and Lola's bedroom. We do hope this suits all parties involved."

"You two are such dogs." Lola sighed, even though she pulled Johnny into a kiss.

"I think we'd all prefer if you got the trail of condoms out of the driver's view," Peanut quipped, wrapping a heavy arm around Ella before whispering, "It's just a joke, I don't want to make you think that I expect anything, I know it would be too weird, your brother being my friend and all-"

"We are _not _sleeping together."

"Oh, I know. I'm just sayin' that I don't want to pressure you."

"Well thanks, but we're _still_ not having sex, whether or not birth control is involved." Ella repeated, but she couldn't help laughing, especially when Johnny had twisted all the way around to take a look at the pair.

"Okay, great." Peanut replied, settling back into the vinyl seats. "I'm glad we settled that. I didn't want it to be awkward or anything."

"Not at all, Peanut."

The drive to Bullworth was more pleasant than Ella would've thought. A mere week ago, the silence would've been accepted, especially since half of them had problems speaking even in slightly civil tones. But somehow, Ella and Lola had fallen into an easy comradeship, united by their broken hearts- Lola's crumbled by Johnny and Ella's by Gary but for completely different reasons, of course. Lola wasn't as bad as Ella would've imagined, she could be funny if she wanted and since their confrontation didn't want to do anything to offend her newest friend. Johnny had regarded it with mild confusion, complaining that all the catfights were a turn on, but everybody else they were friends with accepted it with relieved smiles.

Once the car was safely parked in the teacher's lot with a parking tag stolen from Mr. Garrison's hatchback, which had boasted a busted passenger window with lots easy access for theft, Ella couldn't help being a little excited. Usually dances made her nervous because she always went with somebody who she wanted to impress. This time, however, Peanut made her feel at ease, even though Johnny was around. Whether or not Peanut knew about her affections weren't her concern, not tonight at least. The tickets had been paid for and blue stars were stamped onto the back of their hands with water-soluble markers, and the two pairs made their way into the gym, decorated with fluffy boughs of pale blue streamers, silver balloons dotting the ceiling.

"Hey, have you seen my brother? I wanted to show him my dress." Ella shouted over the loud pop music, into to Peanut's ear.

"I think he's here with Miranda, you know, she's the girl that works in the deli up the street. But I'm not sure." His voice barely made the distance of the few inches between them.

"I'm going to walk and see if I can find him. Do you mind?"

"No. When you come back, want to boogie down?"

Ella grinned. "Of course. I hope you can keep up with me."

"I think that's a challenge."

"Obviously." She retorted, making her way along the gym wall. Sure enough, Ricky and Miranda were clustered with Lefty and his date. She didn't want to bother the group but Ricky waved her over.

"I just wanted to let you know that I got here in one piece." Ella shouted, as Ricky gave her a one-armed hug.

"Thanks. I was hoping so," Ricky replied, pointing to Miranda, "Hey, do you know Randi? I don't know if the two of you have met."

"Not officially. I'm Ella, his sister, in case he hasn't explained to you what you're in for."

Randi smiled. "I think you're the one on the short leash, from what he's told me. It's nice to meet you. I'm Randi, or you can call me Miranda, it's really up to you."

"Hey! Peanut's waiting for his first dance, baby!" Lefty's voice was unmistakable over their conversation.

Ella waved her brother away and sauntered to her date. Peanut looked nice, even though his tux was circa 1984 and his very obvious air of Old Spice. His hair wasn't even pinned back by whatever heavy wax he and the boys used, and he had shaved. He was a good date even, knowing where to put his hands when they danced and where to keep them away from, especially with Ricky in the room. It didn't matter that Ricky and Peanut were good friends, Ricky refused to allow anything remotely amorous between her and the opposite sex under his watch.

But she couldn't take her eyes off Johnny. With his deep voice wafting from the conversation he was blowing into Lola's ear, Ella wanted to pull him away. Those words should be meant for her, for somebody that would appreciate them. Lola was cheating- but Ella had promised that she would be a friend. Ella didn't have the capacity to steal another girl's boyfriend, especially when she could barely carry herself anymore. She didn't know when life had gotten so unbearable or when she got so good at pretending that it wasn't.

Peanut and Ella eventually curled up at their table, laughing about Mandy's choice of dress, or rather, lack thereof. A tiny but probably expensive daffodil colored patch of fabric barely wrapped itself around her cheerleading-toned and artificially tanned body. She wondered how Mandy didn't get warned about indecent exposure when even across the gym the pair could see that there was an excess of it. But there was something else that was stealing Ella's glance.

Amy must've moved in sometime after Ella moved out, and she must've gotten herself invited to the dance, as well, judging from the corsage she wore. It didn't bother Ella really, because here she was, surrounded by her new group of friends that loved her, and her brother was here too, and he hated Amy just as much Ella. Ella was protected and it felt nice. But she wanted to be protected by one individual in particular and he still had his arms wrapped around Lola's shoulders.

"My cousin's here." Ella whispered to Peanut, putting her bare feet on the cold gym floor. She had long ago put her heels underneath her chair.

"Oh, did you tell Johnny? He wanted to see which one it was. I heard from a kid in my math class that she'd moved in. Not that she was your cousin, but that she was new. That's what I heard." Peanut replied, flustered. He obviously knew more than he was saying.

"What's the matter with you?" Ella asked, standing. "I'm going to make her acquaintance, want to come?"

"Ella, come on. Stay here." Peanut's voice was clogged, and Ella knew something was wrong.

"Suit yourself." She shot back, striding across the room.

She vaguely heard the curses he muttered, but she was on a mission. She was not going to be the Ella who let her cousin Amy bully her. Ella was going to pretend to be a strong willed individual who didn't care about stupidity, and damn it, she was going to be convincing.

"Amy. I heard you were going to be in town." Ella's tone was good. It could be better, but hey, she was new at this.

"Oh, Ella, I finally meet my roommate. Sort of, at least. Anyway, it was nice of you to live in the slums just to avoid me. I've never had my own room."

"Yeah, sorry. If I had stayed there we could've been like sisters or something." Ella answered. "How do you like it so far?"

"It's good. People are so nice here. I mean, I already like a guy. Are you here with anybody?"

She nodded. "My friend Peanut. You?"

"Yeah-"

But the flapping of feet and two heavy hands on her shoulders interrupted her. "Ella, I need to talk to you. Come on."

Johnny and Lefty were behind her but it was Johnny's fingers that bit into her skin, just enough to send a shiver down her spine.

"Do you two know my cousin?" Ella asked, but there was a noticeable tremble. What did everybody else know that she didn't?

"Ella, please, please, just come on." Johnny didn't sound like himself. She'd never heard him plead, but he was pulling her away.

She turned just enough to share a few last words with her cousin. "Hey, Ella. This is my date. This is Gary, Gary Smith. Do you two know each other?"

But from the twist in her pursed lips, Amy already knew the answer. Which of the pair had crafted the plan, Ella didn't know.

In fact, Ella hardly registered the fact that it bothered her until she was thanking the powers that be that her hair was clustered in a tight bun at the back of her head. Bowed over the toilet, puking, she didn't know it affected her at all. Not until another series of spasms wracked her torso did she realize how bad of an actress she actually was.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Sorry this took forever! I went to NY's Comic Con this weekend and I was so exhausted the past couple nights that I actually went straight to bed instead of posting anything. But now I'm back in the swing of things. Thanks for the reviews and please enjoy! **

Oh well, Gary thought. He almost predicted that the scene was going to be a lot bigger, and involve Ella bursting into tears. But that look across her giddy features was enough to stop the oxygen between his windpipe and lungs just long enough to shock him. It was something not quite organic in her, but then again, nothing that he hadn't seen before either. He couldn't place it. Where had that surprised but expectant look surfaced? So traumatized.

Gary knew Ella and Amy had been born enemies. Amy was a month older, but Ella was always taller. For eight year olds, the difference was enough to ignite into vicious fights that would always end in sobs, usually Ella's, of course. Until she was a teenager, Amy was the biggest bully Ella had ever had to deal with. She normally dealt with her cousin by simply ignoring her. Ella didn't know how to solve her problems, how to sever them and then begin something new. Gary, however, was an excellent problem solver. Ella might get better marks in English, but Gary could always pulverize her math grades.

"Do you think we hurt her feelings?" Amy sneered, pushing her face into something unattractive.

Amy wasn't pretty in the way that some might find Ella becoming. Amy had hard features that Gary had seen in Ella's aunts on her mother's side, always deteriorating into ugliness with age. But young, Amy was just as gorgeous as any girl in Bullworth. She had bleached blonde hair with red undertones dyed underneath, naturally bone straight. She had bangs that had grown too long, but she just pinned them behind her ear. She was the physical opposite of Ella, with naturally tanned skin and a thin, lithe body that she often exposed with midriff tops, even in cold weather, he had found. Amy had been a cheerleader at every school she attended until they got wise and she got kicked off, and no doubt was going to effortlessly join Bullworth's infamous troupe. At least in that clique she'd find allies, considering Mandy disliked Ella as well, but there weren't really any girls in Bullworth that Mandy did get along with. Maybe Amy would be the first.

Anyhow, Gary had found out that Amy had started at Bullworth with just about the same amount of surprise as Ella had been met with. A week ago, Pete told him that a girl was waiting outside the dorms for him, and Gary had immediately assumed it was Ella. When he saw the blonde girl, he wasn't sure who it was at first.

"Are you Smith?"

"Who wants to know, Princess?" He retorted, because he wasn't sure if it was one of Ella's new friends sent to intimidate him.

"I'm Amy Newdell, Ella's cousin. Do you remember me?"

"I guess."

"Did you and her really have a fight?" Amy looked interested, but he wasn't sure what her game was.

"I guess." He repeated, not willing to play into her game.

"I need your help. Are you game?"

"What does it involve?"

"Ruining Ella's life. Maybe we'll get lucky and send her to some serious therapy. Little Miss Perfect won't be so untouchable anymore."

"I am definitely interested. But how did you know that Ella and I aren't speaking?"

"I'm very good at getting information. Call it charm." Amy replied, pushing a blonde behind her ear.

So they concocted the plan. Gary had heard through the grapevine that Ella was going to the dance, and Amy had stolen a dress and rented Gary a tux, and they tried to spend a good deal of time in each other's presence. Rumors were the hottest commodity at Bullworth and he was sure that the news of the New Girl and the school's favorite psychological bully being in a relationship might be on the tip of several tongues. Only, Johnny found out, and he wasn't happy about it.

"I think you're being a real dick, Smith."

"Ask me nicely, Johnny and I might oblige." Gary knew that it would irritate the Greaser. Most of the school took Johnny seriously and anybody who undermined that was in serious trouble.

"How could you do that to her?"

"Amy? Oh, I think she's a sweet girl, John, a real keeper."

"Fuck you."

"No, fuck you. Get the hell out my face and go face you slutty girlfriend. Ella probably is waiting for you."

Johnny grimaced and put his hands on Gary's shoulders. "Nobody's afraid of you, Smith, like you think. Ella doesn't hate you as much as you need, so you're going to do this to her?"

"I hate her as much as she wants and she can feel however she wants about me. We're out of each other's radar. We couldn't care more, right? Why don't you report that back to that stupid bitch? Why don't you tell her to never look at me again with those doe eyes and talk about innocence? Tell her that. Tell her that if she ever talks about me, or to me, that I will hurt her, and I won't be bashful about it. Tell her that I might kill her and nobody will ever be able to find her."

Johnny didn't hit him like Gary thought he might, but he looked wounded. Gary didn't know where this suddenly came from, why Johnny suddenly cared about Ella like they had been best friends since they were seven and he had been crushed by her last summer in so many ways and why Johnny just stepped away from him without so much as a final threatening word. Did Johnny care about Ella so much that he would do anything to protect her? Or did he care about her so much that he'd do anything to push her away so that she couldn't get hurt when Gary finally imploded?

The dance had surprised him. She was with Peanut, which Gary didn't understand. Amy had specifically said that Ella would be at Derby's side, not surrounded by a group of friends. Worse, his ex-best friend was having a good time, smiling and laughing, dancing in her bare feet. She was comfortable. Ella didn't need Gary anymore, not to fill up her free time or to share her infectious grin. She was gone. The plan wouldn't work. Even if he managed to get close to her, none of those greasers would ever let him get a word out. They didn't understand that Ella needed to be put in her place, that Gary needed to reduce her to nothing so that she could see how he felt.

_Let me destroy her and then you'll never see me again_.

Amy didn't understand his reluctance; she pushed him across the gym floor, into Ella's ridiculous radiance. Didn't she realize that Gary was going to rip her apart and that she could get as far away as possible? Part of his brain begged her to leave, pleaded that she would wise up and go outside with Peanut, someplace where Gary couldn't find her. But Amy didn't care. She had a point to make. Ella couldn't avoid Amy anymore; she couldn't duck her cousin's presence and expect nothing to happen. They were supposed to be sharing the same dorm, and Ella had run away, to the tenements. Gary might be fucking crazy, but Amy was something much worse than that.

Gary wanted to teach Ella a lesson, how she couldn't pick him as her favorite and then set him back with the masses. That if she could be a seventeen-year-old girl and play with him however she wanted, then he could do the same. Push him and prod him and act like nothing happened. It did happen, and yeah, he didn't know how to handle it at the time, but she didn't have to do what she did. Abandon him. Ella was always there, she was always guarding him and taking care of him, and then she disappeared. He could've cared less about the sex, about either of them being virgins. That didn't matter. If Gary was too much of a burden, she should've said so. He would've gently let Ella go. But now everything was so fucked up and complicated and vicious. There wasn't any way that the pair could go back to normal. She and Gary were on opposite rotations, only crossing each other once in a while, in mostly unpleasant ways.

If Gary wanted vengeance, Amy was simply out for Ella's blood. He couldn't pretend to understand why Amy hated Ella so; he only knew that his old friend would never be able to dodge Amy's attacks, especially at such close range. Her plans to ruin Ella were so well thought out that he was almost sort of impressed. Perhaps he'd have to think more like Amy, forget that Ella was a human being and treat her just like an animal. It would almost be easier to torture her that way. Which was exactly what Amy wanted to do. Physically, mentally, emotionally, she didn't care. Whatever got the job done.

Gary was kind of frightened. But excited. Definitely excited.

Especially when he saw Ella's wounded expression after he confronted her with Amy. Things were going to change, for the better.

* * *

It was at the Harrington Mansion-not the house on the Bullworth campus but his actual family estate- a week and a half later that Ella realized how miserable her life had become. Derby was directing a hairstylist whom he had flown in from Paris, and Ella was stuck in a lumpy leather chair, a bear rug rustling against her flip-flopped feet. Loops of cotton wound through her toes, after both a pedicure and a moisturizing treatment. Her face had been poked and prodded, and worst of all, peeled by a team of the region's best dermatologists.

"It's true, you're never too young to start botox treatments," Derby commented, inspecting Ella's fingernails, which had also been made artificial.

"Is any of this real? What's going to happen when it stops working?" Ella fretted, although it felt as though she were strapped into a straitjacket. Her arms had long ago fallen asleep due to being bent at strange angles from her nail treatments. Probably Derby's plan so that she wouldn't struggle.

"Well, you'll look like normal, of course. I just want to see Bif's face when you walk into _his_ gala looking like you stepped out of the latest issue of French _Beauty_."

"What about American _Beauty_? What's wrong with that magazine?" Ella asked, trying to reach a hand to touch her new artificial hair that had been groomed so precisely that she wasn't sure how long it would take to shampoo out the hairspray.

"It's too girl next door. Not avant-garde." Derby replied, fluffing his blonde hair. "I need a quick root touch-up, what do you think?"

"You're not a natural blonde?"

"I am, but it didn't suit my skin tone."

With Derby getting his hair cut and colored, Ella was free to explore his house. There was a good deal to do with hunting and in one room, a giant mural of his family tree. These people were certainly full of themselves. The manor also contained three different gymnasiums, a boxing ring, and swimming pool. She could almost get used to this sort of life, if it didn't meant that she'd have to be associated with Derby. By the time she managed to wander back to the master bathroom, which was the size of her entire house, Derby was ready to show her the dresses he had chosen.

The first was flowing and lavender silk organza. The straps were braids woven out of the lavender and a little bit of gold and silver material. The bust had a sweetheart neckline, which was gently fitted, and then the rest of the dress floated down. Ella thought it looked nice, but Derby had other ideas.

"I like it, but I think we can work the cleavage a bit more." He declared, unzipping the side for her.

"I don't want to look like a slut." Ella warned, but Derby waved her off.

"Have you ever been to one of the Taylor parties?"

"No."

"Have you ever met Bif's mother, then?" His brow was lifted so high she was afraid it would touch his hairline.

"A few times, she doesn't like me, you see, and I just wanted to be classy-"

"Well, then, you have not seen anything yet. Last year, she went sheer, and the whole party could see what brand of underwear she _wasn't _wearing." Derby implied, taking a sip from the champagne glass he held.

They tried a few others until the stylists declared that all the others were nothing compared. Apparently, only a few designers had their couture gowns on loan this time of the year, and lending them to Ella Pucino was not at the top of their lists. However, the one that had introduced himself as Miss Cleopatra, mentioned that they may have one more that was suitable, but it was going to take a tremendous amount of work to convince her to wear it.

When he took it out of the garment bag, Ella could see why. Deep magenta fabric was not something that she would normally wear. Most of the others had straps or were halter-tops, but this one was strapless, with a deep V on the bust line. It was floor length and mermaid cut, one that looked nice on thin models, not on an average waisted- and she thought the term average had been used pretty loosely- teenage girl. The back of the dress was low, and Ella worried whether the top of her ass could be seen. The skirt was delicately pleated into chic ruffles that were evident in many of the sharpest designs on the runway.

"I love it, Cleo. This is it."

"I can't wear this. It is gravitationally impossible." Ella interjected, turning to gauge another view in the mirror.

"What?" Derby asked, a bit giddy from his drink.

"I will have some sort of a malfunction in this dress."

"Haven't you heard of tape? I've got it covered."

"Derby, I _can't_. I'm not. I'll wear the lavender."

"Never, I'd have to go up two more shades on your tan. Totally unnatural."

"Well, I don't think it'll work. What if I think about it?"

Derby grinned. "Good. I'll have it tailored for you, for Friday. Is that good?"

"Fine." Ella sighed, looking at herself once again. She didn't think she could pull it off, but if Derby was willing to go along with it, she didn't want to complain.

Derby sent Ella and the stylists packing, and she was forced to walk back to Bullworth, or at least to the nearest bus stop. It was embarrassing, walking about all done up as though she'd someplace important to go. The meeting was just a preliminary one, to try out all the dresses and pick the right cosmetics and hairstyles. Ella couldn't think of a time when she'd been prodded so much, or even when she had been the complete center of attention for so many people. Luckily, it was nearing dusk, and nobody was really out and about in the Vale.

However, it was bitterly cold. Ella had never been this deep in the Vale, but she had been at least partly confident that she could make her way home without getting lost. Her cell phone, which Derby had deemed too ancient to bring to the Taylor party, buzzed in the pocket of her skirt.

"Hello?"

"It's Johnny. Want to go to the carnival?"

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"Who's going?"

"Me, you if you say yes. Want to go?"

Ella's stomach leapt, almost upsetting her stride. Would it be wrong to go unsupervised on a pseudo-date with her friend's boyfriend of many, many years? Would it be wrong to do something that Ella actually wanted to do? She tried to think about what to say if Lola brought it up, because it was sort of impossible to avoid her, considering that they shared a room at the tenements. Their room met with Johnny and Ricky's, sharing a common bathroom that was always in war between the two pairs. Sometimes it would be messy and strewn with girlie items, other times it would be neat but reek of some long gone activity that involved the toilet. The whole situation was cozy, but sometimes Ella missed being on her own, where she could control the volume of the television and only heard her own alarm in the morning. The dorms were crowded, true, but they had the common room, good for any overflow, and Ella sort of appreciated the bathroom setup just a little bit better.

"Well?" Johnny's voice was impatient.

"Can you grab my heavy coat? It's on the foot of my bed."

"I'll pick you up. Where are you? School, still?"

Ella's throat closed. If Johnny came here, it would be disastrous. "No, can I meet you there?"

"I'll come and get you."

She didn't reply right away, but as she passed a familiar brick front house, Ella could feel her sense of direction getting more compromised. "I'm lost, okay? I don't know where I am."

"What neighborhood? I'll circle."

"The Vale."

His tone turned icy. "Excuse me?"

"I had to do something with Harrington, I owed him a favor. Please, I'm on Ivy Lane, I don't know how to get home. I'm sorry."

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

He hung up, but Ella's fingers had locked on the piece of plastic. Derby had given her some fancy new cell phone, which she was supposed to transfer her SIM card into, but Ella had no idea how to use it. She tried to distract herself with it, but the sound of his engine coming down the street distracted her. His headlights looked dim, like he was trying to hide instead of causing an altercation.

"Get in." His figure was slumped down, and Ella slid into the vinyl seats, which were just as bitterly frozen as the air outside.

They were out of the Vale before she worked up the courage to speak, but it seemed like more time had passed. Even though she wanted to ask him what was wrong with him, she kept her mouth closed. Johnny, when he was angry, was one of the most intimidating people she had ever met. They'd been getting along better, but Ella was afraid that she had done something to upset the balance.

"Are you ever going to tell me what you're mad about?"

"Oh, I don't know, El, driving through my enemy's neighborhood after dark? That might have something to do with it."

"I told you, I got lost or I would've just met you there."

"Yeah, right. I bet Derby was laughing, watching us between the blinds."

Ella rolled her eyes. "I had to go meet him so that we could talk about Bif's party, we're going together."

"This story just keeps getting better. I can only stomach one prep at a time."

"It's a matter of pride, I don't actually want to go with him."

"Then don't go at all, do _me_ a favor. This is just ridiculous." Johnny stepped on the accelerator in anger, running through a stop sign.

"Slow down, Johnny. Do you really want to get pulled over? We're not far from the Vale, and you know how they are about teenaged drivers. Calm down."

"So what was the favor?"

"I got my hair done and my nails, and just a lot of stupid things. Not a big deal." Ella replied, watching his face twitch in the rearview mirror.

He caught her gaze for a moment before shaking his head. "Yeah, I believe that. I bet the favor had something to do with you between his legs."

"Don't be disgusting, Johnny. It's not fair. I didn't do anything." Ella shouted, annoyed now. Her cheeks turned red with the comment, which Johnny misread as guilt.

"Well, I just know your tastes when it comes to men, and I wouldn't be surprised to see you fall for the King Dick, you know?" He replied, parking across the street from the carnival. "This close enough for you?"

"No problem. Did you bring my jacket?"

His eyes flashed confusion, briefly. "No, damn it, I forgot. Wear mine."

Ella shrugged into it, and they strode in. It wasn't crowded on that Sunday night, but there were a decent amount of people for the time of year. Recognizing a few Bullworth faces, she didn't respond to any of the strange looks as the pair walked straight to the ticket booth.

"How many do you think we can get for twelve dollars and a few nickels?" He asked, grinning in a hollowed way. Johnny was still upset, but she tried not to focus on it.

"I have seven bucks."

The man behind the plastic looked uninterested by their transaction and handled them a bundle of tickets that seemed to dwindle very quickly after their first few rides on the roller coaster and tilt-a-whirl. Johnny convinced her to view the freaks, even though he had them all memorized and some of them knew him by name. His favorite was the mermaid, despite the fact that she seemed to be in a perpetually bad mood, permanent scowl on her face.

"Ain't she a beaut?" He asked as the exited. "I wonder how she breathes."

"Considering the fact that she's supposed to be half fish, I'd imagine she has gills, or something." Ella cheekily answered.

"I guess. Listen, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." They paused, and Ella looked at him.

"Would it be fair, if..." He trailed, but then started once again. "Since I know Lola is cheating on me, wouldn't it be fair if I had another relationship as well?"

"No. It's not fair to anyone. Especially the girl-or guy, I suppose, you're involving as the third party."

He sneered briefly. "Would you ever date Derby if you knew he had a girlfriend, even though you knew he really liked you? Would it matter?"

"No. I would never date Derby, no matter the circumstances."

"I'm glad to hear that, but just in general. Would you date a guy that loved you, but was technically taken?"

Ella didn't reply for a few seconds, formulating an answer. "No. It's not right. I'd feel like shit for disrespecting their relationship, maybe not at first, but eventually. If I knew her, it would be miserable. Like, that's such a dirty move, even if I was head-over-heels in love with him. Even if I thought he liked me."

"Even if you knew his feelings?"

"Yeah."

"I guess so."

"Why? What are you getting at?"

"I guess, that we should probably head home."

"We just got here, Johnny."

"You don't understand, El, you're missing the point." He spat, shrugging.

They walked towards the exit, when it suddenly it dawned on her. "Wait, you were asking me, right? Asking _me_? Was this actually a date, Johnny? Did we just go on a date?"

"I thought we did, but apparently, we're not in a relationship."

"We're in a _relationship, _but it is a _platonic_ one, not a _romance_, Johnny. I can't date you, I can't do it. Lola and I are friends now."

"But what if you weren't, could you do it then?"

"No! You'd still be dating her, you'd still be her boyfriend!"

"I know, but it's different, you and me have always been different. I just thought that since you like me, and I like you, it would work."

"Who said I liked you _that_ way?"

"You did, Ella."

She had almost caught her racing thoughts but everything was whirling too fast. "Do you realize how complicated my life is? Do you honestly think I have the stomach to be with you, Johnny, even if I am just a tiny bit in love with you? You actually think I have the mental and emotional capacity to handle that situation at this moment? If you believe that I would be able to hold it together after what I've been through in the past couple months, there is something seriously wrong with your mind."

"Ella, don't be like that."

"Oh, yeah? You don't have any idea how backwards I am right now. My best friend, who I am pretty sure I _hate_, is dating my cousin, who I am positive I hate. He's probably crazy, which is driving me nuts, and I can't do anything about it. I live in the worst place possible, I am this close to getting kicked out of school, and I am in love with a guy who is not at all available. Did I mention that I'm friends with his girlfriend? Yeah, Johnny, I'm pretty sure I can't be in a relationship with you while you're in a relationship with Lola. I think that's our conclusion."

"In love with me?" He asked, slowly.

"Not the way I wanted to tell you, but it's true. I'll be with you when you're not with Lola. I promise you. I'll schedule you into my calendar."

"Would you please?" He smiled. "I guess we can be friends now, instead of tiptoeing across that line."

"I wasn't aware that we were doing any such thing, according to you." She replied, grinning as they drove to the tenements.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Sorry, I had a busy week, full papers and such. Now, a couple people asked for hints of where the story was going, and I guess I'll give out a couple clues. Ella and Gary don't reconcile for a long while, but they still are going to interact. Plus, Gary's behavior is so off-kilter during the game that I think it's kind of impossible to force them back together too soon. Maybe I'm just being stubborn. And as far and Johnny and Ella go, well, you'll just have to see. But I will promise that they won't run off and have babies or anything. I hope I haven't given too much away, but I wanted to clarify a few things. Anyhow, thanks to everyone for the reviews, and please enjoy!**

Somebody had neglected to tell the their families that they were no longer speaking civilly, which Gary concluded when Pop Smith told him to get ready to head to Ella's house. He didn't know who else would be there, but the thought that maybe Amy could be around sent his thoughts racing.

He wasn't really attracted to her in that he was in love, but he was envious of how devious the little blonde could be. He refused to have a romance with her, but she didn't know that. If he wasn't mistaken, Amy fancied him a tad, with her deep grey eyes becoming a little wider whenever the pair spent time together. It wasn't often that they were out in public without each other, and the codependence was beginning to chafe a bit. He couldn't think of a time within the last week that they hadn't been spotted all over campus, holding hands and giggling. Petey had maybe thought that the bullying would tone down, but Amy disliked him just as much as Gary did, and pounced on him whenever she could.

Amy was vicious, but she wasn't demented. Blind to every one of Gary's horrible features that Ella could map with her eyes closed. She didn't see how terrible Gary was to her, Amy couldn't comprehend that his sarcastic remarks were sometimes just mean. In her journal, which Gary liked to scan whenever Amy was away, she often wrote about him, but not in the way that Ella might've, Amy's words were shallow but not contemplative. She saw him as she wanted to, not as he was, and she didn't know anything about him. Ella could recite his entire childhood to minute detail without even trying, and her sparse diary was spent worrying whether he was broken forever. Amy didn't care about Gary beyond how she looked on his arm.

Pop Smith was at the door, looking dapper in a new button down and dress slacks. "Are you ready yet, son? Marta is going to meet us at the Pucino's, so don't worry about that. But I would worry about putting on something else besides a sweatshirt and boxer shorts."

Thanksgiving at the Pucino household was a required and usually treasured visit every year, and did not require any formal attire. Their philosophy was that family didn't care how you dressed, just how you acted. But Pop was doing it for Marta, his girlfriend from the senior center downtown, and Gary figured he'd have to impress as well. He'd met her once, and didn't seem to interest her much, but in his defense, it was right in the middle of the incident with Ella during the summer. He could perform for her whenever it was convenient, like he did for Crabblesnitch and his teachers. His peers were afraid of him, but anybody over the age of thirty thought that Gary was a perfect candidate for head boy, and that was exactly how he liked it.

"I thought we were going to Ms. Harper's, not the Pucino's this year."

"We changed plans at the last second. I need to bring some extra chairs across the street. Meet me there?"

Gary nodded, and Pop went downstairs. If Amy was there, which she usually was, he couldn't remember whether that half of the family dressed up or not. Deciding to play down the middle, he picked out a burgundy sweater and khaki pants. Shoes were not an issue as he locked the door behind himself, and sighted the family he'd always thought of as part of his own through the fogged windows.

He could see Ella in the corner of the backyard, wearing muddy sweats and participating in the annual football game. She and Ricky were the only ones who really understood how to play, and therefore, were always forced to split into opposite teams, which caused an intense rivalry.

"Gary, honey, give me a hug. I haven't seen you since school started!" It was Mrs. Pucino, sticking her head out of the kitchen door, which opened onto the wrap-around porch.

"How are you? Who all is here this year? Street looks pretty busy." Gary commented, pecking her cheek.

"Oh, you know. My sisters and their families, my husband's whole menagerie, Ricky's friends, Ella's friends, anybody that felt like showing up, basically did."

Mrs. Pucino was a pro at big parties, and most likely had two turkeys in the oven, and a ham shank and beef roast in the basement kitchen as well. The house had originally been broken into apartments, but the top two floors were refurbished to be a one family house. The basement was separate and could be used as another living space, but they mostly used it for the stove down there. Thanksgiving at the Pucino's was not a potluck event and Mrs. Pucino did all the cooking, not that anybody minded.

"All the kids are in the backyard?"

"Yeah, I think so. Amy's looking for you, she wanted to go across the street but we convinced her to wait." She winked and ducked back inside.

It was warm for November, especially considering the fact that a few days ago had felt like winter. Some of the greasers were in T-shirts and shorts, and were so into their almost made-up game that they didn't notice him at first. Ella, however, saw him, and he watched her demeanor change. Gone was the carefree grin, now replaced by a weary frown. Ella knew that he wasn't there to play nice, and from her stiff posture, neither was she.

"I'm going inside." She announced to her team, throwing down her windbreaker.

Johnny Vincent grabbed her wrist, which she pulled away from, annoyed. Something was different between the pair; something had either folded or bloomed. Perhaps living in such close quarters had soured their relationship. Gary grinned and took the seat next to Amy, who called him her boyfriend.

"Don't go in because of that slimy asshole. Don't give him the satisfaction, El. Stand your ground. This is your house, this is your game, and this is your life. Fuck him." Johnny's words were intentionally loud, and Amy looked over to Gary.

"Want to join in? I was waiting for you. They play tackle, even Ella does. You could hit her. I could hit her. It would be quite fun, I think." Her eyes glittered at the thought of violence.

"You can tackle her. I'll wait. I prefer to do mental damage, not physical." Gary replied, standing and waiting for Amy.

"That's where we differ, I take my kicks where I can get them in."

Even though they made the teams unbalanced, nobody said anything as they joined in. Ella caught the ball quite often, but Amy wasn't able to touch her. The boys made a wall around her, especially Johnny, who was especially nasty at shoving her out of Ella's way.

"Fuck you. That's not fair. I'm a _girl_." Amy whined. "You shouldn't be able to do that."

"You knew the rules when you joined, cheerleader. You've watched us play for years, and we're not going to change foryou." Johnny answered, pawing at her as she tried to dance around him. "Neither of you are going to go near her, understand me? I'm not playing around."

She scowled and tried twice as hard. Amy managed to knock her down once or twice, but Ella was in her element. No different from when Lefty tripped her or Ricky grabbed her legs, Ella laughed Amy's attempts at injury off and accepted a hand up from her team whenever she buckled against the lawn. It was quite clear that this was her turf and no outsider was going to fuck with her, not today. But Gary grinned. He'd been playing the game and knew how Ella worked, whom she depended on. Gary could break down her defense without even trying. As some people quit to go in for appetizers, he just hunkered down. It was easy to duck around Peanut, who was slow to react, while Ricky and Johnny were distracted by Amy's rabid attacks.

A few more strides and Ella was easily within his grasp as Gary twisted her slack body into the ground. Landing atop her was softer than he would've thought, and the sharp cracks he hoped would ensue were just the force of air squeezed from her lungs. She didn't say anything at first and was so still that Gary thought he might've done some real damage. If she didn't move when he rolled off her, then he might just grin and walk away. Leave a lasting image. Nobody could blame him, really. He was just playing, playing tough like everybody else was.

But the silence was broken by Ella's boisterous laughter from the muddy grass. Ricky's extended hand lifted her to her feet, and even though Gary thought he might've seen a sway in her dirtied legs, her facade was steel.

"Fuck you." She shouted, even though a grin lit her face. "I can take anything you can give. You're not stronger than me. In your dreams, _Smith_, never will you ever be able to beat me at _anything_. And fuck being the bigger person, you know? I don't care what you do, and I don't know why you haven't realized it yet. I don't care which slut you date and shove in my face; I don't care what you say about me or who you say it to. I'm just glad I got you out of my life before I had to deal with any really serious consequences, and I don't care who knows it."

She took a few steps away from him, her head held high. Her friends formed another U around her as the followed her inside the house. Soon, only Amy and Gary were left outside, where it was beginning to drizzle lightly.

"I thought you were going to her hit her harder."

"I did."

"So what was the point, Gary?"

"I know that I hurt her, and she does too."

Amy scoffed, wiping her dirty shoes on the back deck. "You just keep imagining that. She's completely against you now; you saw it in her face. Against both of us. It's over, every plan we have against her won't work because she won't care."

Gary watched her saunter inside and sit at the island in the kitchen, next to her mom and her uncle. Amy might've been right about what she said, maybe Ella would ignore him for the rest of the school year. Then she would never have to see him again, if everything worked out right for her.

But Gary had a way of worming himself into places where people didn't want him to be.

* * *

Even though none of her friends had been invited to Bif's party, Ella was determined to have a good time. She was also dead-set on showing Bif how unbelievably hot she could be with the proper tools and preparations. Even though Derby said his parents might want to take pictures before they all left, the elder Harringtons were so sufficiently drunk that she was positive that any pictures Mrs. Harrington took- or rather Tiffy, as she preferred to be called- had only captured the pretty Persian rug in their sitting room. Tiffy did not have the steadiest hands after six vodka gimlets.

Derby, on the other hand, was so focused that Ella was a little afraid that he had bought some narcotics off of Peanut's older brother Greenie, who was widely known to have a rather vast pharmacy inside his customary trench coat. But when they arrived at Bif's party, which was themed 'under the sea' and waitressed by young women in bikinis, Derby grabbed Ella's arm and tugged her away from his parents as soon as the limo had been driven away by the valet.

"Thank goodness. I hate when they're pleasant." Derby growled, and escorted her into what was deemed the teenagers' party, and which was much, much more 'wet' than the adults', if one was speaking in volumes of alcohol to be consumed. Stepping past wads of shiny blue tissue paper lit under bright spotlights, Ella wasn't sure where to start. Should they mingle and then dance? Were they even supposed to dance, or just ignore the music with a mix of disdain and amusement? She started to fret, until Derby pulled out the big guns.

"Calm down. We'll get something to drink. Then we'll find Bif and my other friends. You'll have the reunion you have dreamt of since he dumped you. You'll get your retaliation and I'll get mine if you just stay by my side like the pretty little girl that I've made you, and everything will be fine." Derby was strangely demure, and Ella was forced to nod even though she was anything but calm.

Drinking and dancing was not a good combination in Ella's book. She was widely known for doing stupid things when she drank, at least within her circle of friends, although no one here would've known to watch for her. When Derby handed her the first of many rum and cokes, Ella ignored the rolling in the pit of her stomach. She also ignored the look on Bif's face when they walked up to him and Christy, who looked like she had just gone to the tanning booth that afternoon. It also looked like somebody had turned on the bed too high, causing the fair redhead to be about four shades too orange for her skin tone. Grinning, Derby commented that she looked marvelous, which Christy, of course, took as an insult. Doing them all a favor, she walked away, leaving only the trio to hash things out.

It had been a long time since she had seen Bif. She had never quite reached him that one time she was going to ask him to look out for Lola's wandering ways, and hadn't bothered to go back after her little stint in the hospital. The beach in early September had been the last time they'd spoken, having no other reason for communication. Did she still hate him? It had certainly felt like hatred when he'd broken up with her, but now she couldn't care less. What had attracted her to him, anyhow? His features were plain, his nose crooked from being hit so many times in the boxing ring. Maybe his reputation for being tough yet sophisticated enough to be a prep had been so alluring that she had not even had a second thought about the relationship. It was sort of draining to be with the greasers, who had such high levels of testosterone that they'd use the same set of utensils for every meal without even a rinse. She'd taken it upon herself to do the dishes at the apartment, mostly because she was afraid somebody would get seriously ill.

Ella smiled without thinking, which caught Bif's attention. Derby had walked off to get some more drinks and check on his parents, who had a reputation for unintentionally causing drunken trouble. Alone, the pair had nothing important to say, but there were still a lot of thoughts left unspoken.

"So, are you satisfied? I'm jealous."

"I don't care what you are. Derby asked me to accompany him, and I agreed. You were not a factor."

"Don't believe that Derby is as tongue-tied as you. He told me his date was the most beautiful women I have ever seen in the flesh, and then he admitted it was you."

"Thanks." Ella retorted, turning on her heel to find maybe somebody like Justin who was friendly and full of pleasant conversation even though most of it was silly and needless.

Instead, it was just a room of faceless people; most of whom she had never seen in school, just various functions Bif had taken her to.

"I didn't mean it that way." Bif replied, shaking his head.

"Oh, I'm sure of that."

"No, I meant he was pretty right on. You look lovely. I'm sure you wish Johnny was here, so he could see you."

Blushing for more than one reason, Ella shook her head. "You're just saying that. Besides, Johnny is not my boyfriend. Lola-"

"Is seeing some of my friends, I believe. In fact Chad is probably raving about her right now."

"That's not fair."

Bif shrugged, "I just know what people tell me. You know how it is."

"That's how we differ. I believe what I see."

"Whatever, Ella, I didn't want to fight with you. I just wanted to compliment you and tell you that I missed you, but I suppose that you refuse to even hear me out."

Not knowing how to respond, Ella looked once more into the crowd, searching for face, but none came. Well, there was Derby, who was so engrossed in speaking with Pinky that Ella guessed that he had forgotten his own plan for revenge. It would be a miracle if that pair didn't end up married with inbred children of their own.

"Not much a crowd, I must admit." Bif called her back to his attention.

"Where's your date?"

"Probably being berated by Mother, if my senses are right. They seem to be at odds. She actually admitted to liking you better."

"What a miracle."

A slow song came on over the complicated speaker system that the Taylors had set up. Apparently the DJ was supposed to be some sort of celebrity who dated other semi-famous celebrities, but he wasn't much better than the guys who did the school dances, who worked for cafeteria food and used an MP3 player plugged into some computer speakers that were spliced into another set of computer speakers. Bif motioned to the dance floor, but Ella shook her head. Did he really think she'd give in so easily? A few niceties and she'd jump in his arms?

She broke away for two more drinks, a bloody Mary and two beers, which didn't have enough alcohol to be considered just a single drink. After that, Ella lost count. She'd danced with Derby just long enough for them to laugh about something that probably wouldn't have been funny if they weren't drunk. She and Pinky talked about stilettos, which Ella never wore but knew enough about to bluff a conversation with a girl she didn't really care for. At least it was more fun than she'd had yesterday at Thanksgiving, which she normally enjoyed. Her ribs were bruised from Gary's tackle, but not enough to feel through the veil of booze.

Looking out once again, Ella could've sworn that she saw Johnny, but it must've been just a hallucination. In fact, she thought she saw her brother and maybe Vance and Lucky out there, but then again, she was pretty drunk.

"Having fun?" It was her brother's voice, but she couldn't figure out how it had gotten there.

Ella looked up at him, and saw the dirt smudges all over his arms. She wondered briefly where he might've been, but he grabbed her by the wrist and led her toward the entrance to courtyard, where many people had escaped the indoor party heat and decompressed in the brisk fall night.

"I have never seen a thoroughbred up close before." Johnny had caught up to them, and he was equally filthy.

"What did you do?" Ella managed to ask, even though her thoughts were so jumbled that she wasn't sure where she was going and how many people were going with her.

"Let's just say that nobody in the entire Vale noticed a small army of farm animals and every horse in their precious town stable being lead through the night. It's not been confirmed, but they might have ended up at Bif's party." Johnny replied, wrapping a heavy arm around Ella's shoulders.

"We pretty much have thirty horses, five pigs, a cow and eight chickens walking in and outside his house and causing trouble, so it's pretty important that we get out of here." Lucky urged, jogging towards the cars parked down the street. "Not all of us are dressed to the nines."

Rolling her eyes, Ella ducked into Vance's tiny sedan, next to her brother in the backseat. Johnny, Lucky, Peanut and Hal jumped in Norton's much larger pickup, and the whole group wheeled out of there. When they pulled up to the tenements, the boys were full of laughs and generally giddy about the whole situation, but Ella wanted to get inside. Whatever she had drank was beginning to catch up to her, and even though most of the others wanted to go down the street to continue the party, she just wanted to curl up and sleep it off.

"Not coming?" Johnny called up the stairs, when Ella had started her way back to her room.

"Don't think so, not tonight. A little overdressed, you think?" Ella faked a smile and turned on the heel of her fancy shoe, thinking that he would just go back outside.

"Lola's at her sister's, you know. Sure you don't want to change and meet us for a few games of pool?" Johnny coaxed.

"No, I'm drained."

"Okay, then. Let me tell the guys and I'll catch you upstairs, okay?" Johnny proposed, and the way that his eyes met hers made Ella almost forget the alcohol playing games with her mind.

The stairs seemed to be much longer tonight, every step required a little more thought than the last. Still wearing the slightly uncomfortable but massively stylish heels that Derby had selected especially for the party. She wondered whether he wanted everything back. Didn't celebrities have to return their Oscar dresses at the end of the night? Or maybe it was just the jewelry...

Tugging off her dress, Ella couldn't help prancing around her room in just the strapless bra and seamless panties that they had specifically picked for the outfit. It felt good to be out of the skintight fabric, and just as she pulled a long neon blue tank over her head, Johnny walked in, smile lighting his face.

"If I had been here moments before, would you have been naked?" He asked, sitting on the edge of Lola's bed, which was piled with clothes and makeup.

"I had underwear on, but pretty much." Ella picked up a pair of leggings that she only worn once off the floor. The shirt was long enough to be a dress, but she always felt better going to bed wearing pants.

"My timing is always off."

"Agreed." Ella replied, shaking bobby pins out of her hair, letting the overly hairsprayed pieces pile so that she could pull it back up into a ponytail.

Johnny watched her so intensely that Ella couldn't help but feel self-conscious with the attention. Even through the alcohol she could feel him staring. He was still dusted with dirt from whatever barn they had been frolicking in, but he still looked handsome somehow.

"You have fun tonight?"

"Not really." Ella admitted, dropping the expensive jewelry into her favorite clutch, hoping that she'd remember that it was there when she needed to return it to Derby. "It's not really my scene."

"You looked nice."

"Thanks."

"I really mean that you looked pretty gorgeous. But I was trying to be subtle." Johnny added, standing. "I think I'm drunk."

"I think you're right." Ella didn't turn to view him, but from the groaning of Lola's bed, she knew that he had stood.

"You're not exactly the pinnacle of sobriety either, El."

They were too close to one another. "No." She answered both hoping and dreading that his body would pull even closer.

A pause that was a moment too long stretched into the room, upsetting the balance that the pair had fumbled to construct. "I guess I should shower. I smell like manure."

"A good choice." Ella shrugged into her response, watching as Johnny awkwardly walked through the door that connected both of their rooms to one another. Usually they left it locked, because it was sort of annoying if someone decided to walk through during the middle of night, especially if Ella had to take the earliest bus into campus the next morning.

Just when Johnny had been long enough that Ella assumed he wasn't coming back, she flipped the light off and threw herself onto the bed. She wasn't tired enough to go to sleep, especially thinking about the party and how if Ricky and his crew hadn't shown up she would've thrown herself at Bif. It had been a long time since Ella had a boyfriend- or at least, since she dated him, considering Bif was the last boyfriend she had- and she was starting to feel it in all the wrong places. She shivered. It was good that she didn't go after Bif again, because he wasn't exactly a caring boyfriend. Honestly, how sweet could someone who punches people in the face be?

Ella fell asleep sort of proud that she hadn't sunk that low, or at least glad that her brother had a good sense of timing. She wasn't dozing long enough to miss her door opening, or the creak as somebody else sunk into her bed. Tensing just enough to fill with fear, his voice reached her ear.

"Calm down. It's just me." Johnny's bass whisper invaded whatever padding that the pair had placed around themselves to prevent anything from ruining the decision they had made not too long ago.

"Lola?" Still sleepy, she couldn't form a whole thought.

"Don't worry. She's at her sister's for her Aunt's wedding until Monday."

"Sure?" Ella worried, setting into the bulk of his body.

"Yes."

"We can't-" Stopping to reassess whatever it was that she was feeling about him, she waited form him to fill in the blank.

"We can't _sleep_ together, yeah. But we can stay together."

Johnny's arms surrounded her, and Ella eased slowly back into slumber, feeling his breathing dissolving into deep sighs. She couldn't remember feeling more safe, and a certain someone bobbed into her thought for such a brief moment that Ella ignored the errant thought.

But what was worse? Loving Johnny in the silent way that she had been trying, or just going for it?


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: This chapter is more like a series of mini-chapters, too short to post on their own. I kind of like them though. This is the part of the story that leads up to the Christmas chapters, which are some of my personal favorites. I wish I could've lined them up with the actual holiday season, but oh well. It did snow over the weekend in the Northeast, so… That's actually why this took so long, our power was out for a few days and it SUCKED. I felt like I lived in the 1700s. Enough complaining. Thanks so much for the reviews and please enjoy!**

Gary hated Christmas. Once December 1st rolled around, his mood always took a dive. This year, he wasn't sure just how much more sour it could become. He had hated Christmas since he was little, when he discovered that his dad and his brother left, they took Santa and all the magic of the holiday with them. He hated the lights, the eggnog, the caroling, anything remotely associated with December 25th. He hated the fact that things had not been the same since he had last seen his father.

Gary's father was, in essence, all of the things that his mother had not or would ever be. He was kind and thoughtful, and nearly everyone loved him. That included Annemarie, who had met Neil Smith at the wrong Smith family reunion when they were both twenty-two, before she was haggard and washed up. Annemarie and Neil had the same last name, which led to a lot of confusion between families and a consult with a genealogist to make sure they were, in fact, not related. Believe it or not, Annemarie was not stupid. She had gone to a junior college, gotten her associates in computer technology, and was able to hold down both a good job and a man. She was pretty and witty, and that was probably why Neil Smith fell in love with her, despite the fact they could possibly be related. It took a year and half for them to get married, and then another eight months to get pregnant, and it looked like life was going to be just amazing as everyone thinks it's actually going to be.

When Reilly was born, Annemarie knew that something was wrong. Her daughter was beautiful, yes, and being a new mother was exactly what she expected it to be, but Reilly was not like most babies. She didn't scream or yell, and sometimes Annemarie didn't know whether she was going to find her daughter blue-faced in her crib. The doctors admitted that Reilly had serious medical problems, she had been born early, but not early enough that she had to be in the NICU. Reilly survived babyhood, was able to take her first steps, and eventually ran across the house. In fact, she was the light of their lives, even if she was a bit more fragile than most children. Happy, Neil and Annemarie got pregnant again, and they were sure it was a raucous boy this time, judging by her morning sickness and the constant kicking. Reilly, who was four, was more than excited to have another playmate. Seven and a half months pregnant, Annemarie stopped in her daughter's room to check on her slumber. Reilly sat up in bed, when she usually fell right to sleep as soon as the light was switched off.

She had been suspecting that Reilly was catching a cold, but Neil insisted that they not worry until they spotted a runny nose. Annemarie had a tendency to be paranoid about her daughter, which annoyed him sometimes. Switching on the light, Annemarie looked intently at her, noting that her coloring was off.

"Mommy... It hurts to... breathe." Reilly wheezed, looking back at her.

By the time that Neil had called the rescue squad, Annemarie was noting the spots of pink flecked across the tissues that her daughter coughed into. Whatever was happening was not normal, and once she loaded into the back of the ambulance, it was all too clear. In the hospital, they hooked Reilly up to machines and took her temperature and gave her medicine all before explaining to her parents what was happening. The ever-beeping screen above her bed declared that the little girl's temperature was 104.6, and it seemed to be climbing.

Hours and hours passed and Reilly was packed in ice packs, and then it seemed to be stable. But her eyes remained closed, seeming asleep but Annemarie knew that it wasn't so. Pneumonia, the doctors reported, made worse by the fact by the girl was so weak. Her temperature was high, her lungs filled with fluid, coughing up blood, everything pointed to it, and as the doctors explained, Annemarie could feel her world crashing. Neil detached from reality as Reilly went from critical to much worse.

They buried her three days after she went to the hospital. How could their family be ruined so quickly? Annemarie didn't know how to cope. A week ago she loved her life and adored her husband and her children, but now she had lost a child and missed the real Neil so much that she thought she might crack. The child inside her meant nothing now, and if she couldn't have it all back, what was the point? She carried Gary to term and then left emotionally and mentally, crawling into places that promised her quiet from all her aches and pains. She didn't want Neil without Reilly and she didn't want her second child without the first. Instead of being therapeutic for Annemarie, Gary was just a reminder that her daughter was gone and would never return. Realizing that someone had to be there for his son, Neil retreated from the horrific dream world that he had been veiled in and tried his best to raise his son despite his wife's tendencies. It was draining though, and he was afraid that Gary would never grow up right. When Gary was four months old, Annemarie announced that she was pregnant again and that it wasn't Neil's and that she didn't care. Dean was born perfectly normal despite her drug habits and drinking binges, and Neil knew that he had to act now or forever lose his life to his train wreck wife.

He did what he had to do. He got a divorce, he took the child that hadn't been exposed to Annemarie long enough to see destruction and he got out of there. Gary didn't have many memories about Dean or his dad, but he could remember believing that one day that mythical father figure would come back and he would be whole, or at least closer.

_He wasn't even your fucking kid_, Gary thought, watching as a group of freshmen decorated the front staircases for the holidays. He hated his father for leaving him, his mother for losing her first child and forgetting about the second two, and himself for not being smart enough to figure out how to forget all the things that had happened to him.

Gary hated Christmas, and he especially hated the way that Johnny Vincent had taken to walking around campus with his arm around Ella's shoulders.

* * *

Ella woke with a hangover, brain buzzing, throat dry, and worst of all, without Johnny. She knew deep down that he should never have stayed over, but she missed him. The spot where he slept was cold. Sighing, Ella whipped herself out of bed and right into Lola.

"What's with you?" Lola asked, looking amiss herself.

"Hungover." Ella mumbled, shaking her head.

"Oh. How was that party or whatever you went to yesterday?"

"Weird." She replied, thrusting a dirty glass underneath the faucet. She was desperate and nobody in their apartment seemed to know how to use a sponge. "The boys showed up, and ruined things. I left with them. How was your night?"

Lola pursed her lips with a smile. "Why do you always ask it like that?"

"Well, I just want to know who you slept with, considering all the usual offenders were all counted for."

"What, I'm not allowed to spend the night at my sister's place? You are all _so_ suspicious." Her friend's face didn't seem to be convinced by her lie either.

"Just asking, jeez." Ella responded, picking up last night's jewelry. "I wish you'd seen everybody. They were so damn gorgeous, Lo. I mean, you would've thought we went to school with celebrities going to the Oscars."

"I heard from Peanut that you were sorta pretty too." Lola grinned. "Judging by the dress in the closet, I guess I might agree."

Ella shrugged, and motioned to the bathroom. "I promised my parents that I would go home for dinner tonight, and I need to sober up. Can I grab a shower, or do you need to go in?"

"Nope, I'm just spending the day at the movies with my boyfriend. He wants to _talk_. What you think that means?"

"That he has terrible communication skills? Maybe he's taking you to catch a flick so he won't actually have to talk." She offered, "I don't know. What are you seeing?"

"No, I mean, what do you think he wants to talk about?"

"Lola, if you could have one guess, what would you think? Honestly?" Ella asked, picking up her shower caddy from the floor. "You and I both know Johnny is a jealous guy."

Lola shouted something she didn't catch, and when she didn't repeat it, Ella stepped into the shower. It was cold at first, and she spent the first few freezing minutes thinking about what had happened last night.

She'd lied to Derby, to all of them. She'd been to Bif's big bash once before, last Black Friday, when the pair had actually been dating, when she'd been so in love with Bif that anything else hardly ever mattered. She had tried to stay over, but the Taylors had kicked her out and she'd just barely caught the last bus to campus. She went in Gary's room the next day and told _him_ everything. She told him about dancing with tons of people she didn't even know and how she'd had three shots in a row, so quickly that by the time she'd had the third she had forgotten about the first two. How when Bif tried to kiss her that she'd been so drunk that she missed his mouth and started to make out with his cheekbone. That must've been the last time that Ella'd heard Gary truly laugh, heard him deny the evil that was surely creeping upon him.

Oh, Jesus. As the water started to burn her skin, she couldn't keep it in. She couldn't stop from curling her body around her knees and just sobbing until she couldn't breathe anymore, just inhaling the smoldering steam and her own snot. Ella missed him, even though she pretended like she hated him, which a part of her did. She ached for him in all the wrong places. She missed being his friend. Lola was fine, she was what Ella needed, but damn it, she wanted Gary back. He had been her best friend for so long that the need for his presence was probably imbedded in her genetics.

Shaking now, Ella just barely managed to touch the shampoo bottle before dropping it into the shower stall. What if he had killed himself? What if he succeeded? Jesus Christ, what if they had buried him last August? Would things be better or worse? Would her skin scrape with every thought of him still? No matter what happened, Ella would always, always blame herself.

She sobbed even harder, not able to control the tears streaming down her cheeks.

* * *

They stood in his room, early morning sun shining through the window. Amy was still pissed at Gary, not that he blamed her. She was becoming more and more needy and Gary had no way to fulfill that, not in his state. Even if he were emotionally healthy, it still wouldn't happen.

Last night, she begged him, pleaded for nearly an hour, got down on her knees and took off her shirt and her pants and crawled into bed with him and still he wouldn't touch her, wouldn't obey the hands that were desperately undoing his pants and running through his hair. No, he wouldn't do that, not with her, no matter hard she tried to make him.

"You would've thought I was trying to rape you." She spat the next morning, shaking her blonde hair into a ponytail.

"Well, you basically were." Gary retorted, motioning towards the door. "Overt your eyes, I'm going to change into my robe and shower, and I don't need you lusting after me anymore than you already do."

"You are such a fucking tease."

"I am not a tease. I just generally do not want you." He answered throwing his clothes on the floor and replacing them with a navy terrycloth robe.

"If you want, you can think about Ella while I have sex with you." Amy offered, gently tugging at his robe's tie. "I really don't care."

He pushed her out of the way and went to the bathroom. It was still early and the dorms were full of teenagers sleeping off last night's bender, so he had his pick of the stalls. Gary didn't like to be long in there, because he swore that he could see the mildew growing up the walls with every drop of water that hit the tiles. But he needed to think, away from that harpy that _would not leave him alone_.

Amy was growing to be a problem, worse than he would've ever anticipated. They were supposed to be a team, destroying Ella in tandem, but all Amy ever thought about was her libido. They were plenty of other males on campus willing to have her, but all she ever wanted was Gary. It wasn't that he didn't think she was attractive… but he couldn't have sex with her, even if it might hurt Ella. Switching off the shower, Gary thought how he'd have to be rid of Amy soon; she was just getting in the way. If he was going to successfully glean power at Bullworth, he'd have to do it without her help. Yes, he'd dump her as soon as he got back; throw her out in the deep, deep cold of December, on her ass.

"Amy!" He called, as soon he stepped in the door. "Amy, I-"

She was rummaging in his desk, pulling out papers and throwing them on the floor. Barely looking back at him, she continued, fumbling blindly through the bottom drawer.

"That was pretty quick, Gary. I guess you didn't relieve any of your tension in the shower, huh?" Amy lewdly mimed the activity she assumed he'd skipped out on.

Gary seized her wrist, roughly pulling her away from the mess she'd made. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"I'm looking for it."

"What?" Gary asked, and suddenly there were trumpets blaring in his ears, his lungs deprived of oxygen as Amy pulled a sheet of loose leaf that was folded so tiny, it was barely visible within the mess of papers on the floor.

"This, I've been looking for it since you hid it last time. Jesus, I've been trying for the past week to find it again."

Gary couldn't stop himself. "Give that back to me, Amy. Don't think I won't hurt you. Give it back to me and I'll leave you alone."

"Don't think I haven't read already. I practically know it by heart. Are you ready?" Amy's lips pursed just as Gary managed to snatch it from her outstretched hand.

He opened it, just so that it would be easier to tear into pieces so tiny that nobody could ever put it back together. Unfolding it, he wondered why he'd ever invited that stupid bitch into his carefully crafted life. But there was nothing. It was just a blank sheet of paper. A dud. A fake. And judging by the grin covering what was practically Amy's whole face, she knew exactly where it was.

"_Give it back to me, Amy_." Anger ripped his voice open, but she just shook her head.

She cleared her throat and began her soliloquy. "Dear Ella, or rather, just Ella, because you frantically crossed out the dear and just left the Ella, right? Ella, by the time you read this, I won't be alive anymore. It's not your fault, I just want you to know that. If you feel any guilt, El, just remember that you were the only sparkle in my life, the only thing keeping me from fragmenting. Ella, you're the only person that I have ever loved, and I loved you the only way I knew how, and now it's hurting me so bad that I don't know how to handle myself. Every time I see you the words want to spring from my throat, every time I speak to you I want to wrap my arms around you and just keep you. I'm frightened of you sometimes, and I think that's why I am so in love with you. There you go, I've said it. I love you, Ella. I've loved you since you taught me what love felt like. Don't miss me too hard, because it's not worth it. Just remember this: I love you, and no matter what happens to me, you'll be okay. Love, Gary."

Neither spoke for a moment. The EMTs had found Gary's notes when they came to his house last August, and they'd handed them to Pop Smith, who in turn had given them back to Gary once he'd gotten better. Gary hadn't the heart to throw any of them away. He liked the reminder of himself, even if the feelings were still tattooed upon him, in places that he liked to hide.

"If you had died, I'm sure she would've been embarrassed by that. I mean, I know it was only last summer, but you write like an eighth grader."

He didn't stop himself as he grabbed her, as he held her chin in his hand, gripping her face within his fingertips. He couldn't feel the flutter of her heart beneath his grab, couldn't feel her tears drip between his fingers. Gary held her so tight she was afraid he'd break her neck.

"Please, you're hurting me. Gary, please. I won't... I won't ever say it again. I won't say it, please."

"I hate her, Amy. I hate her. You're making me want to kill her, Amy. So that I can forget that I ever felt that way."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me, Jesus Christ, just let me go, I didn't think you'd react at all, you're such a robot, Gary, I didn't think..."

Amy's whine dulled after a few seconds and he spoke again. "I don't care about you. I don't care what you meant to do or what you thought you'd do. I don't care that you think you have something incriminating, because when I'm done with you, nobody will ever believe another word you ever say, not your friends, not the teachers, not even your family."

"I'll give it back to you, I swear, Gary, I swear." Her tears choked her, more than Gary did, his hands cutting off her air so that she turned more and more crimson with every breath.

"I don't care. It's not important to me anymore. I have come to terms with the boy who wrote the note, I have cut him off. I don't even remember how he acted, how he was afraid of everything that was bigger than him. I'm not that stupid little kid anymore, I don't love her, and I don't care about her, at all. I don't even remember what she looks like. I don't know her, and she sure as hell doesn't know me. So you can go back to whatever hole you crawled out of, Amy, because if I don't need her then I definitely don't even want you." Gary let go of her, let her heels touch the floor once again, let her look at him and his wide eyes with that scar and his chest puffed even though she couldn't even hear him breathe.

"Gary, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry." She whispered, slipping into her ballet flats and edging towards the door. "If I had known you were so ridiculously fucked in the head, I would have never even..." She trailed, shutting the door so hard behind her that his furniture shook.

"Good," He whispered, knowing she couldn't hear him. "Because I wouldn't have sex with a dirty slut like you anyway."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: New chapter! It's a long one, and I was tempted to split it into two smaller parts, but I changed my mind at the last second. Anyhow… Thanks for the reviews and please enjoy!**

Ella woke two weeks before Christmas in the tenements, her finals over, bags packed to go home for the next month. Ricky and Johnny were tossing around ideas for a secret Santa, even though most of them were leaving that afternoon. Lola was actually going to her sister's apartment, noisily wrapping presents for her nephews.

"Nice day, ain't it?" Lola asked, grinning even though Johnny had definitely caught her cheating not even three days ago, compounded with the fact that he wasn't speaking to her, or anybody else, for that matter.

"Lola, I said I would help." Ella murmured, trying to get out of bed without letting Lola know she was actually checking her phone for messages from Johnny.

Johnny had Jimmy Hopkins trail Lola, literally follow the poor girl on his bike, trying to get pictures of her with other boys. Ella wasn't sure whose actions she wanted to condemn, Johnny's or Lola's, especially since Johnny had given Ella a rash of shit only hours after he'd found out.

_"You knew, didn't you? You knew, I know you did- apparently so did half the school- and you wouldn't even tell me? You didn't tell me and you let me find out like this and I look like an idiot and you _knew_, Ella." His words rushed together, thoughts separated by nothing more than a quick intake of breath._

_ "So did you, or you would have never followed her in the first place. Don't act like it's my entire fault especially since she's the one who cheated on you. Leave me out of this." _

_ "Ella, why didn't you tell me?" _

_ "I don't know, I don't. Because it would really make sense that I let the guy who I have a very obvious crush on continue to date the girl who is cheating on him, because it is just so simple and honest." _

_ "No, no, no. Tell me how long you knew. Tell me." _

_ "No. It doesn't make a difference." _

_ "Yes." _

_ Ella sighed. "Since Bif. Since Parker maybe. I don't remember. You haven't been an angel either, Johnny. You have seen your share of girls while dating Lola, remember? You tried to make out with Randi while Ricky was in the same room." _

_ "I was wasted." _

_ "So? Lola's my friend, and I would've betrayed somebody no matter what I did. It wasn't an easy decision, to keep my mouth shut. I'm sorry, Johnny, I'm so sorry." _

He hadn't answered, just shook his head and left her room and hadn't come back since then. Lola was nearly happy, after all, now she could see whoever she wanted without having to hide it anymore. But she loved Johnny, Ella knew that. Jesus, didn't she?

Sitting down next to her, Ella picked up a stuffed elephant. "So, what's the latest?"

"He's on a bender down at J. Malcolm's Tavern. What else is new?" Lola asked, handing Ella a bag with cartoon Santas printed on it. "So over it, honey. He's all yours, please, take him. I don't want him no more, not at all."

"Lola, it's too early to talk about him. That's not what I meant anyway. I meant, how far along have you gotten with Danny's gifts and how badly have you wrapped them?"

Lola smiled. "Halfway and pretty terribly. He won't care. But Gavin might, so I'm leaving those for you. His are the smart gifts. He's smart, did you know that? He's smarter than me but he doesn't get along with kids his own age. I love him though. Wish I had been at my sister's some of those times I was supposed to be."

She shrugged. "I'm sure he knows his aunt loves him. What time are they supposed to be here?"

"Little past noon. We're going to my grandmother's house after I help her wrangle the kids while she packs. My other sister is going to follow us, she's taking Danny, because the two brothers fight like dogs in the car. You know?"

Ella nodded, not because she did but because she didn't have anything to add. Sensing that Ella was still too tired to carry out a conversation, Lola left to shower and get ready to leave before her sister came around. Wrapping the remaining presents, Ella wondered whether she should take the bus to her parents or just walk over, even though it was cold enough that the ponds around school froze. The boys, prior to Lola and Johnny's falling out, had been planning for a massive ice hockey league, but had since abandoned all their plans until further notice.

Lola's final whisper before meeting her sister downstairs was almost enough to make Ella break down again. "If he comes back, he's coming back for you, not me. I want you to be happy, and if that asshole makes you happy, I have no problems with it. I loved having a boyfriend, but God knows I didn't love Johnny, not at the end, not for a long time. If you love him, you let him know."

Ella listened for the slam of the door at the end of the hallway, the one that connected to the stairwell, before sliding back into bed. Her parents wouldn't care what time she came home and if she was lucky, maybe Ricky would come by to grab his things and she could hitch a ride with him. She hadn't seen her brother for longer than five minutes at a time, not since he and Randi had started to go out, but Ella didn't mind. Burrowing under her covers, she tried to get back to sleep, even though it was technically the afternoon already. She didn't want to deal with the world quite yet, not until she at least heard from Johnny. Anything, even a text, would set her mood at ease. She wanted him home, here with her, but she would accept a few printed words across her cell phone.

So maybe she should have told him. Maybe she shouldn't have been so worried about lying to him and just told the truth. Maybe she should have warned him, at least. Anything. She remembered when she'd asked Ricky to give her lying lessons, and now she couldn't quite remember why they decided she didn't need them after all. What had happened? She was going to ask Bif something, but she wasn't sure what. Oh. The incident in the dorms with Gary, when she'd gotten sick. When he found her dirty little secret, when whatever dislike he'd been harboring had turned into fully fledged hatred. Compared to Gary, Johnny's treatment of Ella since their breakup had been quite gentlemanly.

She typed three words into her phone, hoping he'd return it with at least one.

**Where are you?**

When an hour passed, Ella remembered what Lola had said. J. Malcolm's Tavern wasn't too far away, maybe a few blocks. It was, however, the seediest bar this side of town. J. Malcolm was one of the only barkeeps in the country that seemed to forget that the legal drinking age was twenty-one, and gave any paying customer whatever they wanted, no matter their age. Johnny was surely there.

Grabbing her coat, Ella's resolve melted with every step she took closer to the bar, she was more afraid of Johnny's temper than she wanted to be, was so afraid by the time she laid her fingertips on the sticky doorknob of the tavern that she was ready to turn around and just walk home to her parents' instead. But somebody had opened it from the inside; making it so that Ella would have to walk in before they walked out.

Johnny was hunched over the bar; that much Ella could see from just walking in. He had three empty glasses in front of him, and the fourth was nearly drained. Sighing, she lifted herself onto the barstool next to him.

"Johnny?" She asked, gently placing a hand on his arm, waiting for him to snatch it away.

He rolled his eyes. "Did Peanut tell you?"

"No, I just had a hunch." No need to say anything about Lola, she vowed to never say her name around him ever again. "Can we please go outside? We can't talk in here."

"I've been here for two days and nobody has stopped me from saying whatever I wanted."

"Johnny, please, I just can't talk in here. We need to go home." Quieter now, she added, "You look like shit, Jesus Christ."

Even though she couldn't count the times he'd said he hated Lola, it took until now to see that it was just a matter of pride, that he did and he might always. Ella had no way of understanding it. His eyes were red and his face was slack and Ella thought for a moment that she should have never broken up with Bif and started hanging out with Ricky and his friends again. The chance to go back in time never seemed so sweet, the chance to change things so that maybe for once, life would work out in Ella's favor.

"You want a drink?" Johnny asked, holding out a half empty beer to her.

"I shouldn't, I have to see my parents later."

"Ricky's not going home until Friday." He was surprisingly coherent, considering that he had supposedly spent the last couple days drinking himself into a stupor.

"Johnny, things aren't going get better if we're both drunk, it's just not. We should go home."

"Get wasted, and I'll consider." He swigged the rest, motioning for the bartender. "Want one or not."

"Another Coors?" The bartender asked. "Something for her too?"

"I'll have a shot of Jack, she'll have the same. Get two more ready after that."

After what seemed like at least a dozen shots of whatever liquor Johnny shouted out, Ella knew that she wasn't going home to see her parents, not if she could barely walk, not if every other word out of her mouth was a confused sigh. She couldn't remember why she'd been mad at Johnny, couldn't remember the name of his girlfriend, couldn't forget that she was at least mostly in love with him, and that he knew it too. She couldn't remember where she lived, not as she walked home arm in arm with him, mostly because he was worried she'd wander off if not attached.

"Don't we make a pair, huh, El, two drunks who have had their hearts broken?" Johnny asked softly, looking over to her.

"I am _not_ heartbroken. I am just, I don't know. I'm just Ella right now."

"Maybe not now, but you... Never mind, forget it."

"No, tell me." Ella demanded, as they rounded up the first set of stairs to their apartment.

"I mean, you've gone through a lot of things in your life El. Your dad left you. I don't know what I would do if my dad left. Christ, I don't know what I'd do."

"I didn't know him. It didn't matter. My dad is not my _dad_. I call him by his first name- Frank- because he's just a person. He doesn't effect me, and he didn't and it doesn't even matter anymore."

"What about all those guys you dated then? What about every stupid prep that took advantage of you and then didn't want you anymore? What about them?"

"I don't know. They didn't take... They weren't, I don't know. I don't know what to say. I made that choice; I decided to be with them. I decided to date Justin because he was nice to me and told me I was pretty. I decided to date Bif because he was cute and I just wanted to have fun with him but everything turned into something else. We had fun but there were so many responsibilities that he was just overwhelmed. It's nothing that either of us did or didn't do. It was just stupid." Ella answered; trying to sift through what was just her being drunk and being free with her words and what was actually her trusting him. She wasn't sure what to think.

He sighed deeply. "And Gary? What about that whole fucking can of worms? Damn it, Ella, I could kill him for what he's done to you. What he's still doing. I could murder him."

"It's not his fault. He's just broken. He's been abused and he's fighting back the only way he knows how and he's just a boy underneath all the words he says and the things he does. He's never grown up. Gary... Gary's not all my fault, but I'm not innocent either. I should've known. We both should've known."

Johnny didn't reply as he unlocked the door into their apartment, he just felt deeply into one of the ratty armchairs. He didn't answer as Ella sat across from him, on the couch.

"You're too good, Ella, too good. You should blame them. You should hate all of them."

"Why?"

"It would just make everything better. I have spent the past three days drinking and I spent them just hating her, hating Lola so much that I was afraid to leave the bar. I thought about all the things I would say to her if I ever spoke to her again, all the things I would do if she ever came near me ever again. I just told myself that everything was her fault and I felt lighter, I felt like I could breathe."

"Just Lola?" Ella asked, tentatively, watching him.

"What?" He leaned forward, taking off his coat. "What does that mean?"

"You can say it, I could tell by the way you looked at me back there. You blame me, don't you? It's my fault, you can say it. It's fine."

His eyebrows rose. "I... I don't... Okay. At first, it was just you that I was mad at, the first four beers I had were to forget that you were the one who didn't tell me. Three drinks after that, I just thought about how you had to be in the most awkward situation, between the two of us, knowing and not being able to tell. I didn't exactly make it easy for you. I mean, it was pretty amazing of you to stay true to a girl that two months before you could barely stand next to without saying something nasty. I don't want to sound cocky, but especially considering what the two of us, you and me, have been going through lately. I realized it when you came in, how much me being at the bar for so long was really just me waiting for somebody to come and get me and how much I really wanted that person to be you. I might hate her, for now, but I never hated you, not at all. Just myself, for being such an asshole to everyone."

Ella didn't answer. She'd never considering blaming anybody else for what had always gone wrong in her life. She didn't think about it. It was easy, but it was worthless. It made everything worse. If she couldn't evaluate her own actions, how was she going to be able to make better decisions?

It was that question that laid on her mind as they fell asleep within the arms of one another, tangled up in sheets that had nearly been packed away for winter break. It was what she thought about when he woke her with a kiss on the lips, as he went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. When he came back, Ella had a feeling that maybe this time, they'd do more than just sleeping. It was settled when he came back without the water.

"I don't know..." Johnny said, words hanging in the air. "You think?"

"Would it be too soon?" Ella whispered, desperately hoping the answer was no.

"I think..." He kissed her again, slower, with more depth than before. "I think I've been ready to say yes for a very long time, but I think we're both not in the right mindset. I want to do things right this time."

"This time?" Ella asked, trying to hide a smile.

"I think you know what I mean." Johnny replied, tucking her under his arm. "Goodnight, El."

"'Night." She whispered, leaning over to kiss him just one last time.

* * *

Gift tucked underneath his arm, Gary waltzed across the street, feeling ecstatic. He'd never picked out a present for someone before, usually Pop would just scrawl Gary's name across a gift for his mother, even though Gary had nothing to do with the purchase. He loved what he'd chosen for Ella, he loved the wrapping he'd delicately packaged it in, he loved that you could just barely see the tape, only if you squinted real hard.

He loved Christmas across the street. He loved the strong spicy smells all over the house; he loved their tree and the bright lights that enveloped every surface. He loved the way that presents were always tentatively added each day, as though the siblings still believed in Santa, even though he knew that Ella didn't really. He liked how Mrs. Pucino put up their artwork signed Ricky, age 11 and Ella, age 10 and she really loved every crooked star and messy angel. He loved how the center of the elementary art exhibition was something _he'd_ drawn- a picture of him and Ella waiting in line for Santa, a piece entitled _Waiting for Santa with Ella Down at the Mall_, even though he wasn't her child. But during Christmas, maybe he was.

"Ah, young Master Smith, what brings you across the street?" Ella asked, her hair messy around her face. She and Ricky had been pretending to be ninjas lately, and the bruises on her knuckles and across her forearms proved that they were still invested in their game.

"Christmas presents!" He handed to her, so proudly that he beamed. "I bought one for you!"

She eyed it suspiciously, before grinning. "I know! Come on, Mommy made cookies and we can ice them once they cool. First, you have to put it underneath the tree."

Ella tugged him inside the warm house, where the pine needles weren't dry and the tree sat in the front window with such care that it almost made him want to cry. Pop Smith suggested they buy a nice tree this year, which his mother agreed with, until she drank the money they would've spent on it. Instead, he bought the most expensive one she'd allow, which was obviously old and sick when it'd been chopped down. And growth stunted, Gary thought, gently rolling a Christmas light between his fingers.

Ricky and Peanut were in the living room, watching TV. Ricky waved at Gary as he passed through to the kitchen, shouting, "Where's my gift?"

"I left it at the store!" Gary answered, smiling at his own joke. "I figured you could buy it yourself."

"Gee, thanks." Ricky said, before turning back to his show.

Sitting at the counter in one of the stools, Gary admired all the cookies in front of him, in every shape he could imagine. Icing and decorations littered the kitchen, and he couldn't decide what to start with.

"You gotta start with the tree. It's classic." Ella said, gently swiping green frosting across its plane.

"It's boring."

"Star?" Mrs. Pucino asked, offering him one. "They're my favorite."

"And Daddy likes the angels the best."

"Save some for him, will you honey? He'll be back from work in an hour or so."

In the few years that Gary had first met Ella, Mr. Pucino- or Corey, as he insisted everybody but his own children call him- had saved up enough to buy a garage in downtown New Coventry, but close enough to the Vale that he could fix a old clunker or fiddle about with cars that hadn't even been released to the general public, they were so exclusive. He said he missed being close enough to home to run inside for a sandwich, the new location gave him plenty of business, and Gary noticed the difference in presents this year compared to last. Pop Smith said that Corey had dozens of happy customers who told their friends, who brought more broken automobiles, who told their friends, who brought even more customers. Gary thought that maybe Corey had too much to do now, but at least he was making money. If he ever got a car, he'd bring it there, even if there weren't anything wrong with it.

"I'll take..." He paused, and pointed. "A reindeer."

"Going to make Rudolph?" Ella asked. "He's a good one."

Gary shrugged, looking at his best friend. They were only ten but even then, he thought that she was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. With her disheveled curls knotted around her face, with plump cheeks sprinkled so lightly with freckles, Ella was the picture of childhood. Gary, however, was tall, skinny, and awkward. He looked like somebody had shrunken the high school chess club captain and decided to make him a third grader. Kids at school made fun of his clothes, which were both too short and too baggy around him, with their frayed edges and the faint smell of alcohol that permeated his house. Once he asked Ella if she minded that he was ugly and she looked confused.

"Why?" She'd asked, eyebrows raised.

"Johnny says I am. Johnny's handsome. He's better looking than me."

"So? Johnny is mean and that's why he's not my best friend. He could look like Jake LeHeureux," He was the star of the high school's football team and had grown up on their block, and the only reference that young Ella had for handsomeness, "And he'd still be a jerk. You're nice, you're friendly, and you're funny, and I love you."

Gary smiled, decorating with Ella until Mrs. Pucino called them into the living room. She held out two presents, before grinning. "Early gift to you, Ella, and your gift from me, Gary."

She'd gotten him the latest animated film that he and Ella had taken to watching every day, and two tickets to the playoff game for the high school's football team. The Pucinos already had tickets, but these were for him and Pop Smith, so they could all go together. He thanked her profusely, he loved sitting in the stands, wrapped up in blankets and eating freshly popped popcorn that steamed in the cold air because it was so warm. He liked having Ella and Ricky shout at every play, he liked to stand and support the players and he loved running out on the field after the game was done.

Ella got some sort of sweater, which she was required to wear at church that night, which wasn't really a present after all. Ricky and Johnny had received similar items, both disappointed at what her mother decided was appropriate as an early gift. Next Ella held out a funny wrapped present decorated with glitter.

"It's not that fancy on the inside. I was just trying to cover up... Never mind, just open it."

He tore through it, even though it was more tape than wrapping paper. He thought for a second that maybe she had gotten her present confused with her mom's, thinking that maybe he'd been gifted some sort of garment as well. But then it dawned on him.

Green and yellow – the colors of Downthresh, the local public high school that the whole town supported and where the football game was going to take place in January, against Bullworth, whom he hated and so did the Pucinos – fabric, mesh fabric with numbers in yellow. Nineteen! His favorite number!

"You got me Jake LeHeureux's jersey! Where did you get his jersey?"

Jake was pretty much the only celebrity that New Coventry had, if you could consider a high school senior a celebrity. He was tall and handsome, and nearly every girl in town was in love with him. Maybe some of the boys too.

"I just asked, and I mowed his lawn and raked his leaves all fall. It was worth it though."

Gary smiled so wide that he thought he might just split into two. It was the best gift, especially considering that nobody else in their class had anything but those fake jerseys they sold at the consignment shop. He handed Ella hers and closed his eyes.

"My turn!" She exclaimed, ripping paper.

She didn't say anything at first, just held it out so far away from her body that he was a little afraid that she hated it.

"You got me... You got _me _this?" She asked, holding it out so her mother could see.

"Yeah, I mean, I guess." He was shy suddenly, and shrugged.

Suddenly Ella shrieked and jumped up and down. "You knew that I wanted a real charm bracelet more than anything! It's silver and has a clasp and you even knew which charms I wanted! Gary! How did you know?"

He just smiled and put it on her tiny wrist. "I just... I don't know."

It was probably the last Christmas that Gary had celebrated with them, considering that Anne Marie had been living in Tucson until the Easter afterwards, and then started her best efforts to keep Ella and Gary apart.

Now he wasn't sure whether it was the best Christmas he ever had or the worst.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Well, there's another flashback in this chapter- I seriously don't remember writing so many!- but it's much more recent than most of the others. The chapter after this is one of my favorites, but I'm going to have to do some serious editing to make it just right. : ) Anyhow, thanks for the lovely reviews and please enjoy! **

Walking up the stoop of her house knowing that Gary was across the street, sitting on his porch with his mother was enough to make her feel so nauseous that she was sure she wouldn't make it insider her own home. She could imagine what they were saying about her- hadn't Anne-Marie teach Gary that if he didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?- but she just put her key in the lock and walked inside. The house was warm and overwhelmed with all things red and green. Yes, it was Christmastime in the Pucino household, she thought.

Locking herself in, she looked around for any other signs of life. Ricky had been home for a few days by now and she knew that Johnny had been staying there as well, considering his parents had been having a drunken fight that had lasted the better part of the past eighteen years. Tossing her coat half-heartedly in the hall closet, Ella walked up the narrow stairs to the second floor, trying hard not to be too noticeable. She heard the boys in Ricky's bedroom, probably playing video games or watching action movies. Sighing, she headed back downstairs, sitting on the couch in the living room with the least amount of Santa-adorned throw pillows

She wasn't sure what to do with herself, besides avoiding Johnny like the plague. They had discussed it, and decided that things would be better over break if they weren't _together_ and weren't complicated and weren't trying to sleep with one another every five seconds. It was fine, Ella thought. Both of them were too scared to commit now, especially considering that they were available and didn't have to sneak around behind anybody's back. Lola had given Ella her blessing. But somehow Johnny wouldn't believe her; he almost called Ella a liar and Ella knew that Johnny was still in love with Lola- no matter how many times he kissed Ella.

And Ella knew that Johnny had a fling, or that's what he had called her when she found them in their living room at the tenements. It was fine.

Just fine. If he could have sex with whomever he wanted, so could Ella. If he didn't want Ella, then she didn't have to want him. She had only been in love with him for the past two months and she could stop if she wanted. It didn't matter that she told him about her biggest secret, also known as her biggest mistake, because they weren't serious. It was nothing. Her feelings meant nothing. So, he could fuck whomever he wanted.

Ella wasn't going to be imprisoned in her own house. If she wanted to go upstairs, to her room, separated by one thin wall from Johnny, she could. He didn't own her house. Fuck him. _Fuck him_. She wasn't angry- well, yeah, she was, but it wasn't anything she hadn't experienced before- just so infinitely sad. Things finally started to go right, the world seemed to be unfurling at her pace, and now… It just solidified that she could never catch a break. She had a shitload of bad karma, enough to haunt her for the rest of her life. Couldn't do much besides just deal with it, one catastrophe at a time, Ella mused, leaving the evergreen-scented living room. All she needed was to collapse until the time she left for college, leaving this horrible little place behind. Hey, it was only what, eight months away?

Her room was messy, a couple suitcases haphazardly arranged on the floor from when Ricky had dropped them off. He had their mother's car for an evening and had offered to make the delivery for his younger sister, something that Ella couldn't help agreeing to. Ella climbed into her bed, ruffling under the covers. This little nest was her favorite place in the whole world, surrounded by softness and warmth. Her hiding place from the universe, even if she could hear the boys more clearly from here, able to discern their mumbles through the wall. Ella rolled over and ignored them in favor of a deep slumber, where she could forget that it was supposed to be the happiest time of the year and that dreams were supposed to come true instead of just being shattered.

She dreamt of Johnny, of him as a king who kept her in a tiny box by his side and only took her out to show the queen when she was being mean. She couldn't see the queen in the dream; she could only see Johnny's profile as she waited in her little cage, watching as he presided over the kingdom. When she woke, more exhausted than when she started the nap, the house was quiet. It was nearly eight, and Ella wandered downstairs, wondering where everyone had gone. Not that she wasn't thankful for the little bit of quiet. There was a note on the kitchen counter, left for her.

_We're at Lefty's parents' Christmas party! Wear a dress, please! _

_ XOXO M +D + R_

She sighed and leaned against the counter, looking at the loops of her mother's handwriting and wishing for Christmas to be over. There were too many obligations when all she wanted to do was stay curled in bed, with the sheets pulled up to her eyes, watching a terribly sad movie on the television. She wanted to mourn the loss of Johnny, who'd she'd wasted all her time on, just to be led back to where they started, just for him to show her that she'd never be first on his list.

Dragging herself upstairs, Ella flipped through the clothes in her closet, knowing that most of her favorites were back at the apartment. Her mother was probably glad-she'd shuddered when she saw the clothes that Ella and Lola had bought together- but for Ella, it was just another excuse to skip out on the party. Hauling herself down the street in a dress in the freezing cold air wasn't exactly her first priority. But the flicker of the doorbell downstairs distracted Ella just long enough to lose the resolve to disobey her parents' wishes.

But Johnny stood there in the doorframe, in his favorite leather coat overtop deep brown slacks and a rumbled blue button down, his eyes pointed downwards as she pulled the chain on the door back. Her mind had crossed paths on itself for a moment, and she thought for one brief second that it was going to be Gary behind that door, but the betrayal was so short that she barely registered it. A shiver ran down her spine as she desperately wished for her old best friend, the boy that always held her when she cried and listened to her heartbreak. Christ, she missed him, more than she would _ever_ admit aloud.

She'd been thinking about Gary a lot lately, mostly because she knew that he sought refuge with her family around the holidays. His dad had left the day after Christmas, when Dean was old enough to be taken home from the hospital and had left Gary home alone, so alone in a house that was filled with nothing but freezing winter air and the knowledge that nothing good was going to ever come from there again. Gary's dad probably thought he was a hero for saving just one so. To Ella, he was nothing but a coward and she thought that if she ever saw him that she might hurt him, just explode until she couldn't scream anymore. She didn't know where the fiercely protective notion had come from, but it felt good as it settled in her chest. Maybe it was because everyone that loved Gary ruined him-including her. The good feeling imploded as soon as she'd run through that line of logic.

"Johnny, I don't want to see you." The words passed her lips before she could stop them, before she could hide the fact that he hurt her, "I want you to go."

"Ricky asked me to come over. He was worried."

"I'm fine. Please go. I don't feel well." Ella moved for him, moved as he passed through the doorframe, and she hated herself for it.

"I'm sorry Ella, Goddamn, I am so sorry."

"You're not sorry, you're not sorry at all." She replied, watching him settle on the couch.

In the dim light of the living room, Ella wished that she couldn't recognize how good-looking he was. Full, pouting lips that she wanted pressed against her own, flecked into a smile, surrounded by the light scruff that she hated against her skin. The facial hair didn't hide the smooth planes of his cheeks, with cheekbones so high that they could be featured in a fashion magazine. But those brown eyes that had the ability to melt whatever disgust Ella had stored, to make her regret that she'd ever been mad at him in the first place. Damn it, she really wished that she couldn't see him. Even more, she wished she wasn't so weak in the knees for the bastard.

"Ella, please. It was a dumb decision."

"What's her name?" She asked, unable to tear her gaze away from him. "If it was so important to sleep with her, what was her name?"

He ran a hand through his hair, leaning forward. "You don't really care what her name is. Ella, come on. Don't be like this.

"What was her name?" Slower, more pointed, Ella hissed at him. No it wasn't important, but she needed to know.

"Hannah. She goes to Downthresh, where you used to go before you met us."

She glared at him. "I've known you since I was five, Johnny. We've been friends since we were kids."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, Ella."

"You don't mean it. You don't mean it all. At least Lola didn't even have the nerve to apologize. I can see why she cheated on you now; I can see it clear as day. She figured she'd get it out of the way so you couldn't hurt her first."

"I never cheated on Lola."

"And I guess since we were never together, you technically never cheated on me, right? So much for starting with a clean slate, right? So much for not being like you and Lola. We can fucking forget about being happy."

"Ella, I know it was a dumb decision. I'm sorry."

"I hope you and Hannah have a lovely life together." She pointed towards the door. "Now, get the hell out of my house."

"I didn't sleep with her. I swear to God, El, I never slept with her."

"And I never slept with Gary." She loathed the words before they passed her teeth, before they collected in the air and wandered over to him. Ella hated them, hated how they left her windpipe raw, tears catching in the corner of her eyes.

"But-"

"Johnny, I cannot go through something like this again. This winter can't turn out like the fall. I cannot lose you like I lost him. I can't lose myself again. If you're going to be a source of constant drama in my life, then you're going to have to go back to being my friend, and I will just be single and exist, because I am not going to be miserable again."

Johnny stood, looking awkward. "It was stupid and I will _never_ to anything like it again. I was drunk, because I knew you were spending the day with Lola and her family and I just didn't want to deal with that. I know it doesn't excuse anything. I know that you are going to take a while to forgive me, but I won't lose you for this. I won't lose you for a drunken decision."

"I might forgive you, but I might not ever forget it, Johnny."

"You shouldn't."

Fuck. She'd thrown up a white flag without even realizing it. She lost, and Johnny won. And everything still felt the same. Her heart was still broken. At that inopportune moment, Ella collapsed into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Like an idiot. All because for one more second Gary had crept into her thoughts. Thanking the powers that be and both wishing against them, she realized that Johnny was not Gary and would never act like him. Ella hadn't spent enough time processing Gary as a separate entity no longer involved in her life, and it always hit her when she wasn't expecting it.

Gary was gone and he wasn't coming back.

* * *

Their junior year, Ella and Gary were known across school as a pair of people that should be left alone. They weren't quite outcasts, but not quite accepted either, but left alone just enough to feel isolated. In their junior year of high school, Ella was becoming increasingly restless as the rest of her classmates whipped around her without words, how everyone knew each other, knew everything, but nobody cared about any of it. She needed to connect with somebody other than Gary, other than her best friend.

"We need to find some friends, Gary. Real friends."

"Why? I think we get along just fine."

"Gary, you're the only person on campus that I can talk to. That I want to talk to."

"And you think that's weird?" Gary had just come into his whole height the previous summer and didn't quite have a handle on his lanky limbs just yet, judging by the awkward way he sat on the bench outside their biology class.

"No, I enjoy being with you, but it would be nice to have somebody other than you and my parents in my cell phone's contact list. Somebody else who would text me about my day."

"I can do that you know. And I text you all the time."

Ella sighed and looked away from him, down the hall to where the Preps were lounging. Gary didn't know that they were invited to a party- well, Ella was invited and she convinced them to let Gary attend- and she was trying to find the best way to acclimate him to such a situation.

"I think Parker is kind of nice. What about you? And Bryce is friendly." She could barely force it out in a whisper, and she was sure that Gary was going to notice.

"They're okay, I guess. I don't like the preppies, or the jocks or any other of those stupid fucking cliques."

"I didn't mean every prep, I just meant that, as people, Parker and Bryce are pretty decent, yeah?"

"I don't care," Gary answered as the classroom door opened, and they walked in. "Just tell me where I have to go and when and I'll go with you."

"You will? Oh Gary, there's so many reasons why you're my best friend." Ella couldn't contain her grin and hoped that maybe Gary would catch it too, but he only scowled as they slinked to their lab station. Science was one subject Ella didn't understand well enough to mess around, but as she scrawled notes she couldn't help noticing Gary's notebook.

"What are you doing?"

"Making a list of people who I will and will not hang out with."

"That's stupid." She replied, briefly eying the blackboard.

"You said not to judge by clique, but by character, and I am doing just that, Ella. You see, while people like Davis White and Peanut Romano do not make my list of bearable people, Troy Miller just barely makes the okay list because he doesn't know which room I live in."

"What's wrong with Petey? He's the sweetest guy in Bullworth." She placed a fingertip against his paper, pointing to his name.

"I don't need to explain my list to you. They are founded by my opinions, which you may or may not trust, just like I may or may not trust your opinion that Bryce Montrose is an upstanding Bullworth citizen."

"He's nice to me." She hissed. "Not everyone is as bad as you think. You have to broaden your horizons. I cannot be the only person you speak to on a daily basis. I _will not_ be the only person."

"Then I will talk to nobody, I have no problems with that. None at all. And Bryce Howard released two-dozen rats into my dorm room. I had to ask for an exterminator, that I had to pay off to the school by doing yard work around the Harrington House, where I was berated for hours at a time. Does that really sound like a decent person to you? Maybe the preps are just hostile to me because they know I will not fuck them in order to make more friends. Maybe you should've thought about broadening your horizons last year, when you started here." He growled it, low enough so just Ella could hear, low enough that she wanted to hit him but couldn't do anything but sit there averting her gaze from everything but the loose leaf paper under her pen.

Ella always did what he said. She hardly ever disagreed with Gary, they ate dinner when he wanted, watched what movies he liked, never went to any of the football games because he thought they were stupid. Once upon a time, he loved the sporting events as much as she had, but that childhood passion was gone, erased. If Ella even tried to argue with Gary, he'd freeze her out, ignoring her until she came crawling back. Over and over, he manipulated her, and she just let him. Ella was his favorite puppet. All she wanted was a few new friends. For both of them. She didn't want to abandon Gary, but damn it, she needed a temporary break from his bullshit.

She kept silent until the bell rang, when she could just barely hear him call her name as she ran out the front door, towards where the preps were still skipping class. Bryce tucked her under her arm and whisked her to the Harrington House, which amazed her with its plush carpets and fancy decor. The butler called her Miss Pucino and took her coat, which he exchanged with a nicer Aquaberry version on her way out to a party with Derby and a few others. They walked to the limo at the front gate that would take them away from Bullworth Academy and to a place where Derby promised house plenty of liquor and whole lot of fun.

Ella didn't normally drink to get drunk; usually she and Gary just shared the occasional pilfered beer on her back porch during the summer as they watched the sunset. Now, she wanted to forget that she only had one friend and that her favorite coat had been thrown out without even her consent. She wanted to forget that she had homework and school and Derby promised a way out of it. She smoked and she drank and she took something that felt like confetti as it coursed through her system, making her feel colorful and wanted and loved by these people who barely knew what her name was. She didn't know how long she was there, maybe the night, maybe the weekend, maybe even into the next week, but as she unwrapped herself from the deliciously quilted bedspread in the Harrington's guest house, she felt more like an idiot than someone who'd been invincible mere hours ago. She felt stupid as she changed into clothes that had been bought for her by somebody who didn't know her, and as she finished the last of a drink that had been set on her nightstand with the note: _Finish this up and get home. We'd only waste our most expensive vodka on you. ;) Call you next weekend for more fun, and next time, please don't try to sleep with somebody other than me in my own bed. XOXXX Derby_

Ella sighed and limped home, summoning whatever dignity she had to conquer the liquor that was still on her tongue and enveloping her brain. She didn't want to go to Gary's room, she wanted to collapse on her own bed, but she went to him anyway.

"What day is it?"

"It's Saturday. Evening. Where did you go after class yesterday?"

"I'm really drunk, Gary. I feel like shit." Ella blurted, falling onto his mattress. "I don't know what I did. Or where I went. Or how I got home, for that matter."

"You look ridiculous in that. That outfit is worth more than Pop Smith has ever had in his bank account. Where did you get it?"

"It was spread out on the loveseat in my suite this morning. The housekeeper said my clothes were going to be shipped back to me."

Gary sighed and took a piece of sweater between his fingers. "I ought to unravel this for what you put me through. I thought you were going to be in your room and when you weren't, I checked everywhere. I thought you disappeared, Ella. You're lucky you sent a half drunk text to me around eight last night because I would've called the police."

"That would've been unnecessary."

"No, Ella. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. You're mine to watch out for, and I'm not about to let some stupid preps take you out for one night and change you. I'm not going to let that happen. You're mine, you understand that? You are _mine_, Ella. That's why I don't want other friends. That's why I think you're acting dumb. Because you will always be mine no matter who you talk to. Just remember that next time." His tone softened as he watched her relax into his bed. "Now nap the alcohol away, will you? We have a history project to work on tomorrow."

She fell asleep easily, but as she did she only had one thought.

_Gary Smith is dangerous_.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: So… This is one of my favorite chapters in the story. It doesn't resolve anything, per se, but it sets the stage for some things. And I know it's short- I just thought that Gary deserved this one devoted solely to him. Thanks for the lovely reviews and let me know if this one was worth the wait! **

Gary thought that maybe he should just say in his room until Christmas was over. Maybe he'd organize his plans for his domination at the school. The preps were under his spell now, because Jimmy Hopkins was too busy making nice with the greasers- Ella's favorite clique, even though she didn't dress or talk like them. They accepted her, which Gary almost understood. He didn't accept anybody; there was always something wrong with everyone he knew. Nobody's perfect, Gary mused with a grin.

_Except me, maybe._

"Gary?" It was Pop Smith at the door, holding a red and gold stocking. "Presents are out. Want to open them now or after dinner?"

Gary, honestly, could care less either way. There was nothing tangible that he wanted, nothing that he could buy at the store. "I think we should wait. Is Mom awake?"

The answer was no, Gary knew that before he asked, before he thought about returning the voicemail that his father had left. Sure, he could say something nice on Christmas, but forget about the rest of the year. Dean could get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it, but Gary could only be greeted once a year. Not that he wanted any gifts, but if he cared, it might've been nice to be acknowledged. Again, _if_ he had the emotional capacity to feel underappreciated, which he had lost with the rest of his humanity.

He was sure that when Ella left- because he truly believed that she had the choice to come back to him, even if he did insult her at every turn- she took every positive feeling he'd ever experienced with her. He hadn't laughed from that warm spot in his stomach in months. He'd chuckled, sure, like when he led Jimmy Hopkins to the basement to fight Russell. He hadn't seen good in anybody. It was like Ella was letting Gary borrow those tender aspects of her character, and when she left, she took them back without another thought.

No, Gary would try his best not to think about _her_ anymore, especially not on the day of the year that he normally felt the most miserable- when he used to feel. Pop Smith still picked up Gary's prescriptions at the drug store, not knowing that when the nurse gave him the meds, he hid them under his tongue and then spat them in the trash. He'd never let the pills rule his life ever again. He'd never let a pharmaceutical control his thoughts and actions. Gary would rather let the unrest settle in his chest, let his thoughts roam throughout the cluttered cupboards of his mind than have everything clean and simple. The pills were a weakness, and Gary Smith did not do _weak_. Not anymore.

He'd rather be soulless than pathetic.

Christmas morning was uneventful, and Gary had clambered downstairs by lunch to sit on the front porch. The snow that'd blanketed the town for the past two weeks accumulated on Gary's favorite perch. He liked to sit outside in the cold, only wearing jeans and a heavy sweatshirt. Maybe the freezing air could replace all the things that he didn't dare think about, but really, it afforded a nice place to stare across the street, into her house, into her life.

He closed his eyes and tried not to remember. Gary could still smell her in his bed, still sense her when he slept at night, and even though he didn't want to, he would still slumber as though he could wrap himself around her. He could still envision the way that she smiled when she was embarrassed about something, how she'd tilt her face up and shrug without moving her shoulders.

Gary tried not to remember the last conversation they'd had before he tried to kill himself. As the paramedics threw him in the back of the ambulance, Gary could only see Ella as he drifted away.

_"I've decided that maybe we shouldn't be friends for a while." She whispered, her eyes pointed towards her flip-flops. "Ever since we... Ever since we slept together, things have been too tense. I think that maybe we should just be apart from one another." _

He had been so mad at her when she said it, and he distinctly remembered pushing her away from him, which Ella hadn't responded to. She turned on her heel, and didn't look back as she walked across the street.

He couldn't imagine a world where he didn't walk across the street for breakfast with her at seven in the morning. He couldn't imagine not having somebody to partner up with in class. Not having somebody to keep him company in his dorm room. Not being able to sneak into somebody else's. But most of all, he couldn't imagine holding himself together without Ella's help. Her dexterous fingers pressing against his softer seams and keeping him together. He didn't want to live without her, so he made a decision that would break them forever.

He hated himself then, and now... Now, he just added her to the quickly growing list.

"I'm going for a drink." Anne Marie hissed it at him on her way out the door, and he didn't even bother mentioning the fact that it was Christmas. The dives she normally hung out in were definitely open. The holidays were a breeding ground for alcoholism, not that she needed any excuses.

"Okay," he mumbled in return, because he really didn't feel like getting backhanded for lip.

Gary watched her start the clunker she'd been using for the past few months. It'd die eventually and she wouldn't bother taking it the shop, because it would be wasteful. She could have somebody donate a car to her cause- Gary wondered whether somebody could write that off on their taxes. Would it count if the recipient were a delinquent alcoholic?- and she'd use that until it took a dump, and the cycle would continue. Anne Marie was not known for her acute driving skills either, even sober, and she narrowly avoiding hopping the curb as she pulled out of the driveway.

Once she was safely down the street, Gary took a deep breath. Anne Marie was the one person that scared the shit of him, even in the state he was in. She didn't know that he'd stopped taking the meds, and even if she did, she wouldn't care. Gary was always just an extra errant thought at the back of her mind, and he was mostly glad not to spend Christmas with her. Two years ago, right before she left for a year and a half, she threw up on the few gifts underneath their shabby tree. She blacked out a few hours later, but by then she was at J. Malcolm's Tavern, and therefore, his problem.

Another automobile rambled down the street, a SUV with a dent in the driver's door, like they'd opened it and hit something like a parking meter. It stopped almost in front of his house, but then it crept a little, and he realized that it was stopping in front of Ella's house.

He didn't like it.

"Hey! You! Do you know who lives here?" The driver rolled down his window, and nodded his head at Gary.

"No. I don't." He lied, staring deep at him. "They're new. The other people who lived there moved away."

"Oh. You remember them?"

"No. I wasn't close." Well, that one was almost true. He and Ella were anything but close now.

The man got out of the car. "My daughter used to live there. Toni? Her last name is Edwards. Mine too. "

Gary didn't reply, just shook his head vigorously, as if his silence could dissuade this man from interrupting what was probably a lovely Christmas morning inside the Pucino house. Jesus, the little part of him that he couldn't crush wished more than anything that Gary could be in there with them. It'd been so many years since he spent the holidays with his own family; all their traditions were lost. Or maybe the actual tradition was curling up in the Pucino house- he couldn't remember.

"It doesn't ring a bell."

It did. He knew that Edwards was Ella's biological father, and Edwards obviously didn't know that Ella and her parents had done everything to distance her from him. Toni-short for Antonella- had been switched to Ella. Pucino was her stepfather's last name. Gary didn't think he'd ever known Ella as Toni Edwards. Or thought of her that way. So he wasn't lying.

"Oh. Thanks, brother. What's your name?"

"Dean." That was an obvious lie, and a stupid one at that. Gary's identity wasn't the one he was trying to hide.

"I'm going to check and see if they know anything."

"I don't think they're going to tell you anything. You should just leave them alone."

"Guess you know 'em pretty well then?" Edwards countered, and Gary felt his chest fall for a second. Edwards knew he was lying. Maybe Edwards somehow knew who Gary was.

He didn't have a chance to answer, because Edwards already crossed the empty road and had almost knocked his fist against the peeling front door of Ella's house. Ella didn't look a thing like this paunchy man, with bags under his eyes and thin blonde hair. Their gaits were different, his loping and uneven, hers long and thoughtful, as though every step had a specific purpose that she understood before her heel touched the ground. Ella was short, and despite his stocky body, maybe Edwards had once been tall and striking, the middle-aged fat once young, hardened muscle. No, Gary was not going to let this monster ruin the one perfect thing that he still had left. The one pure thing he'd lost.

So Gary forgot about self-preservation and followed him.

"Leave them alone. They don't need your trouble." Gary barely spoke it. It crept out in a whisper.

"I need to see her. I need to talk to her."

"To apologize?"

"For what?" Edwards shot him a look that bought Gary an instant, a distraction that let him pull his phone from his pocket but not the seconds to type the four words he needed.

_Don't open the door._

But Edwards beat him, knuckles catching the wood door before Gary's thumb could hit send. And he did the next best thing, the only thing he could think of in the moments before he could hear the footsteps in the house coursing towards them. He hit Edwards, hard enough to feel it in his hand, but not enough to jar him. Not enough to prepare him for Ella's face in the open doorframe. He could read the words on her lips before she spoke, before she inevitably shattered, because that was all he could ever do to her.

_What kind of new and awful betrayal have you brought me now?_

"You little fuck!" Edwards growled, and Gary stumbled backwards down the stairs, away from her father, and he knew instantly why they had hid Ella away from him.

Anne Marie was awful, a terrible human being, so horrible that she could barely be called a mother, but the fact that Edwards was a man made it so much worse. He had a temper that could be switched with the littlest spark, and while Anne Marie could smack hard enough to make him sick, Edwards' fists seemed to be made of reinforced steel, or at least that's how they felt across his temple, as his hands grasped Gary's shoulders to haul him up to hit him again.

"Don't you dare touch him! Don't you dare!" Ella shrieked across her porch, sock-clad feet skittering down the porch stairs. "Get the fuck away from here!"

He wasn't sure what she was doing, who she was talking to, until Ricky rushed out, stepping between Edwards and him, pushing her father backwards. He couldn't think. Gary gasped for her, for Ella, and thankfully- call it a Christmas miracle- she appeared by his side, her warm body pressing into his. All he could think about was the scent of her jasmine lotion as it wafted over him; her loose curls that danced against his cheeks as she bent over Gary.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She sobbed, digging her tiny fingers into his shirt. "Christ, I thought you were dead for a second."

"I was being chivalrous."

And before he could stop it, before he evaluated his actions, a grin crept on to his lips. A real smile. He hated himself for it, for leaving the open sores out for her to see, for losing his extra set of armor so easily, but she was in his arms and he couldn't think about much else.

"I know, I know."

Here she was, the girl he hadn't seen for so long, the girl he couldn't stop thinking about, so much so that he had considered taking the meds for a few weeks, just to control those wayward thoughts. Encased within his grasp was... Gary stopped for a second, didn't breathe, and just looked towards the door, where her mother and stepfather and Johnny stood. Encased within his grasp was somebody else's girlfriend. Encased within his grasp was somebody who was always letting him down.

"I'm going to get Pop to take me to the hospital." He offered, as she linked their fingers together. Fuck, that almost derailed him.

"You need us to go?" She asked, catching his eyes for a moment. He couldn't figure out whether it was sincere or not.

"No. We're even now, you understand? You warned me about Anne Marie, I took care of him. Things go back to normal the minute we get back to school. Got it?" Gary didn't know why he said those things. He would do anything to stay wrapped up within her sweatered form.

"Fine." She looked towards the curb. "Well, we'd better talk to the police, and then Pop should take you."

"Yes." He replied, letting her go. His Ella. No. Just Ella.

She stood, brushing loose snow from her knees. Before he could walk away, her hand caught his wrist. "I know you don't want to hear this, especially not now, but…" Ella paused and sighed, like she was willing herself to finish the statement. "I missed you. Miss you. If you ever change you mind, I'll always be here. I'll always be there for you, Gar."

"I know. Don't be surprised if I never come around, though."

"I stopped being surprised by the things you do a long time ago." Ella murmured back to him before watching Edwards get stashed inside the back of a police car. "Thank you, love."

He doesn't know what to say to that. He doesn't know whether that was just a word, or if she meant more than that. Jesus, he hated the doubletalk.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: This is my pre-Thanksgiving post, since I'm pretty sure that I will be super busy for the next couple days getting things ready. I decided to take on the task of making literally everything, and while I'm kind of afraid of cooking my first turkey, I'm pretty excited at the same time. Anyway, just a warning- there is a little bit of an, ehm, intimate moment at the end of Ella's first POV, it's not particularly graphic, but if you're worried about being offended, it's probably better to skip the entire passage that's in italics. Anyhow, please enjoy and let me know what you think! **

Ella woke with a start, woke in complete darkness, in complete silence. She couldn't remember what she had dreamt about, only that she could still see Gary quivering beneath the swaying form of her father. She couldn't think about anything but that, how vulnerable that boy was then, how she'd held him so close because Ella was pretty sure that he'd crumble if she hadn't. Her Gary was there just long enough to stop the beating of her heart, just close enough that she barely forgot about what happened that autumn. It never happened, she suddenly wished, and knew that she was going to have to fight to restack all the bricks she'd paved around herself and the outside world.

Christmas had never been so eventful, and she longed for simpler times, she longed to be young and to believe in Santa and his reindeer. The day had started nice enough, with Johnny waking her up to be kissed underneath mistletoe that he'd fastened right above her doorway. Her parents had made waffles, fresh ones with real maple syrup that they normally couldn't afford. Ricky's girlfriend Randi was also at breakfast, she and Johnny had spent the night on the pullout in the basement and the couch in the den, respectively. Her parents didn't mind the two of them spending the night, but were trying to the best of their abilities to keep the more intimate moments out of the house, or at least when they weren't home.

Not that Ella had slept with Johnny yet, she was still trying to decide whether he'd earned her trust, but they were taking it slow, something he was constantly teasing her with.

"Don't look at me like that or I might ask you to take off your pants." Johnny would whisper deeply as they lounged in her bed in the late afternoon, watching reality television and whatever Christmas movies they could catch on basic cable.

Not that she'd have any qualms about doing just that. Sometimes she just couldn't think about anything else but him; couldn't stop wondering if she could try something before her parents would come home from work, whether Ricky would be able to hear them in the next room. No, Ella sighed, she would be good, and she would wait, even if it was just to make him know that she would do as she pleased.

But then she'd swung open the front door on Christmas morning, expecting to see maybe Pop Smith waiting to wish the family a happy holiday, but her father loomed above Gary ready to strike, and she did the only thing she could think of in the precious milliseconds she'd been awarded. She leapt between the two of them, protecting the only friend she'd ever truly loved, someone she'd once considered part of herself. She didn't recognize Frank Edwards at first, just knew that he was threatening somebody she had never stopped caring about.

When Ricky came outside, she realized immediately whom the overweight, balding man standing before her was, who he'd come to look for and whom he'd found instead. Was he prepared for the fight he received? Did he think that Ella was going to just leap into his arms? Did he think that she would forget what he did to them? No, he did not, she thought after catching his glance through the window of the cop car. He did not remember that Ella was no longer a five-year-old stepping between him and her mother, unable to do more than just protest a slap, punch or kick. She was grown and she had backup.

Fuck him, Ella growled internally, turning to put her back against Johnny's, for she didn't like the thought of him staring at her while she drooled at night. Back at school, safely inside her cozy room in the girl's dorms, where her awful cousin had fled without another word, she wanted to sleep like she had nothing to worry about. At the very least, she didn't have to fret about hustling her parents for money to pay the paltry rent at the tenements, not since she'd moved back to school, in her single room with two beds and twice the space. She had Johnny, who was more adept at sneaking in than Gary ever was. And most importantly, she hadn't even seen a ghost of Gary since he defended her.

Yes, she couldn't help wondering what had happened before she'd opened the front door, how he reacted before her father had laid him on the ground. She wanted to ask him about it, but she wouldn't. It scared her to think that Gary might be in there after all; if somewhere in those evil thoughts a beam of light was guiding him. She wasn't sure why it frightened her, but she couldn't forget Gary on her front lawn, trying his best to protect her. With that image in mind, she fell asleep easily.

_He stood outside her door, watching her as she looked up at him, unsure whether to oblige his question to come in. Gary Smith had not been welcome in her dorm room for a long time, and Ella wasn't sure if it was better to keep it that way. _

_ "You did save me." She finally said. _

_ "With great physical injury to myself." She stepped aside to let him in, watching as he shut the door behind him. Gary was strikingly tall, she suddenly noticed, memorizing the lean muscles in his arms underneath the tight v-necked t-shirt he was wearing. He'd become fit, and she hadn't realized. _

_ "I'm sorry you had to deal with him. He's not a nice guy." Ella sat back on her bed, which had deep red satin sheets that shined underneath the lights. She had on her school uniform, white shirt with a pleated plaid skirt over thick black tights to keep out the cold, and felt overdressed in his casual presence. _

_ "I did it to protect you." He whispered, sitting next to her and putting a heavy hand on her arm. "Because I still love you." _

_ Ella smiled, as his hand fell into hers. "I just wish I could repay you." _

_ "It's not a big deal, Ella. I was just doing the right thing." _

_ She turned to kiss him, to capture his full lips with her own, softly and in a way that was so adept that she almost felt like she was taking part in a movie. She didn't expect him to kiss her back, but he did, with such intensity that Ella couldn't help her feelings for him. Gary's hand gently grasped the side of her face, the other tugging apart the buttons on her blouse. One by one they fell open, exposing a navy blue bra made to be taken off, impractical with its lace and eyelets. Her skirt was an easy button and a zipper that he wrangled off so easily that she laughed as he tossed it aside. _

_ Deliciously slowly, he slid both hands down her thighs, rolling the tights down her legs with so deliberately that Ella was ready to cry out, if it wasn't for the kisses he left after each inch of nylon rolled on her legs. His lips made their way to her stomach as he pulled the tights off her feet, hands behind her back now, fumbling with the clasp on her bra. _

_ She stalled him, lifting the shirt over his head, fabric catching on the scruff on his face, his jeans falling to the floor in a heap. "We're even," Ella whispered catching the waistband of his boxers under her index finger. _

_ "Not anymore," He replied, undoing her bra finally, placing it delicately on the bed. _

_ He was perfectly muscled; even in the dim light of the bedroom she could see his pecs and his abs and his biceps, not overwhelming but just comforting. He wore brand name underwear from designers who sold by the pair, not _in _pairs, and her bra cost more than most families spent on groceries. Ella caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and she looked perfect, enough makeup on to look made up and not enough to look unnatural. She was perfectly skinny without being boney and her body was perfect everywhere she looked, her breasts were not too big and not too small and they were perfect and she had on matching underwear that weren't bunched up or worn out and she just wanted everything to stay just so, even though she knew it was a dream, and she knew that Gary didn't look like that and neither did she, but she just wanted him to make love to her, just wanted him to take off her panties and take off his boxers and then just go at it, because it was her dream and that's what she wanted. _

_ Please, she begged her unconscious. I will never look like that. Let me just have a perfect moment. Please._

She woke at a quarter past seven to Johnny walking in from the shower. Indecent thoughts still roaming her head, she thought about yanking the towel from around his waist and coaxing him to have sex with her, not that it would be all that difficult.

But it wouldn't be perfect.

* * *

It was a cold winter, indeed, Gary murmured to himself as he watched Jimmy being chased by a group of preps. Whatever Gary had done to set them after him- he couldn't remember which scheme this was, for he had so many- they were pissed, judging by the globs of snow that barely missed Jimmy's stocky shoulders. A few hit him square in the back, and Gary grinned. He was good at this; he was good at ruining things for other people.

He was very good at rising the social ladder at Bullworth, as well. He was mean to a few people and nice to a few others, and the students were instantly more accepting of him, when a few months ago they barely registered his presence. Everyone knew who he was, everyone smiled at him, even if it was out of fear instead of genuine pleasure. He was the master puppeteer at Bullworth and he had every student between the palms of his hands.

Well, except maybe one.

He'd taken to following her around campus, watching her spend time with her new friends, sharing a laugh with Lola or giving Johnny a peck on the lips before class. Something was wrong there, he could tell that from the wrinkle on her forehead as their lips met. Ella always did something like that when she wasn't completely comfortable, and Gary had heard that Johnny had cheated on her before winter break with a girl from public school. How embarrassing. Not that he really cared or anything like that.

Gary had been an adventurous mood lately, but after the events of last Friday, he decided to just stick to his careful plans and forget about it. He'd bought a few pills from a guy who went to Downthresh and they were the worst drugs he'd ever done. Not to say they didn't make him feel differently- which they did- but they made Gary sluggish and tired. Everything was numb. His fingertips just existed. They couldn't tell the difference from razor blade to cotton, and he'd tried both just to make sure, and now that he could feel them again, he regretted the decision to check.

The pills were promptly flushed and he took some others that always made him feel on top of the world. He'd decided recently that drugs were his friends, and to make sure that they were mind-altering instead of mood-altering. He liked the way he acted now, he liked the new way he laughed and how he taken to talking to Mandy even though she didn't have a thought in her head that had to do with anything but cheerleading and sex, both topics of conversation were becoming more and more dull. Didn't matter though, he'd just indulge in the striped doses of pills that made him feel like flying before he saw her again.

No, Gary Smith liked himself, liked the person that he created, whom he imagined was charming in a frightening way and quite handsome, mischievous and courageous. There were no negatives about this new Gary, and he didn't care if anybody else felt the same way. Pop Smith had told Gary that he didn't know who his own grandson was anymore, and Gary told him to go find another one then, because he didn't care one bit. He didn't call real often after that, Gary noticed. He supposed that it was easier to take care of one family member that was off their rocker instead of two. Anne Marie had been scarce in Gary's life, which meant that she was busy bothering Pop. Good.

He remembered the night when Ella came into his room, completely worked up with the news that his mother was going to back in town. He supposed that he liked the way that she was trying to protect him, little formerly-mild-mannered Ella trying to step between him and the women that had given him the scar that Ella was so afraid of. Maybe she was trying to give him a wake up call. Maybe she was trying to show him that despite all of the pomp and circumstance and the walls that she threw between them, she still loved him.

That was probably wishful thinking.

No, Gary liked the person he'd become, even if little Ella didn't. He liked being able to go to parties and having people who would have never even thought about talking to him a few months ago serving him drinks and offering plates of food. It was like being royalty. It was still high school, but it was better than anything that he had imagined. Derby texted him at lunch to ask whether Gary wanted to stay at Harrington House. He'd respectfully declined, but Derby said he'd have a room on reserve, just in case Gary changed his mind. Now, that was power. Ella didn't have that kind of pull, not even when she dated Bif. Bif had been pretty useful though, when Jimmy challenged him to a round in the boxing ring, he'd kicked the ginger's ass pretty sufficiently.

Gary liked things just the way they were.

* * *

"I'm going to fail chemistry," Johnny murmured, looking over his scrawled notes. "I'm going to fail and I'm going to be stuck in this dump for another year."

Ella smiled and shook her head. "Is that what you said last year as well?"

He laughed quietly, "I guess so, El. But you'll be going on to greater things and I'll be your stupid high school boyfriend who can't pass chemistry."

"Attending a class or two might have been helpful, Johnny." Ricky replied, pulling the textbook from his friend. "And using an ashtray instead of stabbing cigarettes out inside the book probably would've been another good one."

They were all sitting in the library, trying to study and mostly just socializing. Ella was the only one who actually didn't need to study- she actually took the test last week when it was originally scheduled instead faking an illness and had passed with quite a lot of breathing room- but enjoyed the company. Winter was her least favorite season and she usually spent most of it locked inside of her room watching reruns of reality television on the tiny set atop her dresser. Plus, somehow, with Gary at the very back of her waking mind, school was breezing by. Her scholarship was no longer up for review, or so said the letter she'd intercepted during winter break, before her parents had come home from work. Maybe, just a little bit, she liked being the smartest person at the table.

"Why do they make us take this? When am I actually going to use this? When will I need to balance equations when I'm taking apart a car?" Johnny vented, pulling his book back and slamming his head on the cover. "This is cruel and unusual punishment."

"It's not so bad. You just need to practice." Ella replied, brushing her boyfriend's hair off his forehead. "Concentrate."

Johnny grinned slightly, and winked before flipping to practice test at the end of the chapter. They'd been pretty much inseparable since getting back from break and Ella managed to ignore the transgressions he'd committed, which made things much better than before. He'd apologized by delivering some badly folded origami flowers- he was too poor and too cheap to spend on roses in the dead of winter- and Ella had appreciated the thought so much that they were still lining the top of her desk, next to her collection of weathered paperbacks and framed pictures of her family. Besides, he'd asked her to the Valentine's dance a whole month before the actual event, which Ella thought was kind of adorable. He was trying to do things right, and Ella couldn't help forgetting about what he did.

Lola, on the other hand, was not amused, "He's acting like Mr. White Knight when he's really just the Joker. Don't be fooled," She'd warned when Ella had called her at her sister's place a couple days before winter break ended. Ella took the words to heart then, but had since seemed to misplace them.

"Want to share what's on the test with us?" Ricky asked in his most polite voice, something Ella recognized instantly.

"How about you all just study, like I did, and you'll do fine." She answered, rolling her eyes. "It's nothing specific, anyway. Just problems almost exactly like the ones in the book, so I suggest doing those."

"That's all I needed to know!" Peanut exclaimed, flipping pages. "Thanks, El."

"He said that in class, you know. The day before the test. He said those exact words."

"But you actually listened." Johnny pointed out.

"And you were in attendance, which is more than I can say for the bulk of us." Lefty added, shrugging. "I just happen to think there are more important things than chemistry class."

"That's why you're all failing. Class is only forty-five minutes long. You'd have plenty of time to work on other people's cars later. It'd be a more persuasive argument if any of you actually owned automobiles." Ella quipped, leaning into Johnny's side.

"I'm sure dad went to tons of chem classes, Ella. I'm sure that's where he got all of his practice in." Ricky argued, eying his younger sister.

"Dad managed to graduate in four years, last time I checked, which is more than I can say for you, Ricky, at the rate you're going." She was getting annoyed at him, which she didn't do very often, but he was egging her on in a way that only he was good at. "And just because your best friend is a fifth-year senior doesn't mean that you have to follow in his footsteps. Because I am not going to let him lapse into a sixth year."

The sentences were out of her mouth before she had a chance to revise them, and she instantly wanted to take them back. They weren't like her, they were controlling and mean and Ella didn't know where they had come from. Her mild manner, which she had fought so hard to regain was falling fast. They weren't her words, they were Gary's. They were something that he would've said. She was channeling him somehow, and she didn't know how to stop it.

"Christ, Ella. So judgmental." Johnny whispered into her earlobe, before placing a careful kiss on her cheekbone. "But teach me, babe. I'm a eager learner, but only if you're the teacher. If you know what I mean."

Ella laughed, before shoving him with the heel of her hand. "I'm sorry. I'll explain the problems one last time, before you guys take over. Sound good?"

It was easy, she decided, to make amends with this group of friends. One apology and they forgot about everything. To sweeten the deal, she decided that she'd pay for pizza the next time they ordered, she'd scrape her wallet dry, even though they would have forgotten about everything by then. It was something she wasn't used to. With the Preps, Ella would have to embarrass herself to get everyone's attention, then she'd have to humiliate herself and then and only then would they consider an apology. But in the Harrington House, she was on her best behavior most of the time. Only once or twice- twice, she thought, once because she was ridiculously drunk and the other because she and Bif had decided to get stoned in the greenhouse- was she stupid enough to merit the need for forgiveness. And there was Gary, who was another story completely.

When they were younger, Gary never cared about apologies. Things like that were a foreign concept; they fought, they forgot. When they reached adolescence, it all changed. Gary could hold a grudge worse than anything, and for the smallest things. Ella knew that best of all, the best out of anybody. That was partly the reason she always felt so guilty when her new friends, her greasers, could care less when she was nasty. It'd been months, and Gary hadn't forgiven her. He never would, of that she was more than sure, and it'd been a while since she'd truly cared. That, she thought with a smile, was definite progress.

Ella was pretty good at being her own therapist. Lord knows that it was cheaper than going to a professional.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: So I know that I took _forever_ to update. Life just got crazy busy. And I know this chapter is short (and it has flashbacks, seriously now, I'm pretty sure they're the last ones) but I promise the next couple are pretty long. And not as depressing as this one. Maybe that will make up for this taking so long? Anyhow, thanks so much for reading and please review!**

* * *

The hospital had been weird. It'd had hardly felt like he'd been there at all, with its bright lights and cleanliness and whirring machines. There were people there, tons of people; all of them looking at him with such sad eyes that he wasn't sure if he was alive or dead. Then he was weaned off the meds and he knew that he was alive. His left arm was bandaged tightly; to the point where even the pressure was painful and he was sure he was alive. Surely, death wouldn't be as cruel as that. No, according to the doctors and Pop Smith and Ella and her parents, he was alive.

He hadn't meant for that to happen. Those people were supposed to be at his funeral, not at his bedside. He wasn't even really sure how he was alive, actually. No, Gary Smith had made pretty sure that death would be his next destination. He'd just gotten lucky, he guessed, lucky in some kind of sadistic way.

The meds in the cabinet were his mother's, expired and foreign, with names he couldn't pronounce, but he knew exactly what they did. They made her numb and spaced out and they were perfect for Gary Smith. Eight, he taken, before he stood before the bathroom mirror clad in only boxer shorts and a tired grin. The house was silent, just the way he wanted. Pop was at the neighborhood poker game and Anne Marie, well, she was just gone like usual and Ella was out with Bif. It was the perfect night to feel nothing, to just stand and not be able to feel the cool tiles against his feet. He hadn't originally planned to do anything, not until he accidentally dropped a hairbrush on his foot and there was nothing but the pressure of the handle. That made the ideas swirl, the ones he'd only pushed aside in his darkest moments, now they seemed to make so much sense. He was sure of it. Nothing would change for them if he were gone. Things would be better, for everybody. Pop wouldn't have to worry about taking care of Gary, Anne Marie could just keep on getting drunk, and Ella, well, she could be friends with whoever she wanted. He wouldn't weigh her down any longer.

It'd started with a hairbrush, but it escalated quickly. An old curling iron seared the skin on his forearm, burning it a lively pink, but he couldn't feel it. There was just the smell of burning hair on his arm. He thought about taking more pills, but there weren't many more left, nothing that would do serious damage. So he filled the bath and stepped inside. The water was just there, taking up space between the tub and him. He didn't know what temperature it was, didn't know what to do next, before he saw Pop's razor resting against the sink. He struggled to grab it, but once he did, the possibilities seemed endless. Yes, things would be easy with this little tool, he thought.

A note. For this to be real, he'd have to write a note. Tell everybody how he really felt. Let them know that this was his decision. Getting out of the bath again, he scrambled down the hall to his bedroom. He had plenty of time, and by now, plenty of will. Things would be easier from now on.

He thought about whom to write the note to, and his mind settled on Ella too quickly, too easily. In defiance, he wrote one to Pop and one to his mother that blamed her for everything, with words he'd never dare speak to her in life. Ella's note was harder, because his mind was too clogged then, too many thoughts darting everywhere. The meds were wearing off, so he wrote something meaningless and messy and taped them all to the mirror in the bathroom so they'd be found quickly before he headed back to the tub.

The razor was trickier than he imagined, because it was of those safe models with many blades so he had to pry them out before he attempted anything. His fingertips bled more than he would've thought, there was so much blood in the water and he hadn't even done anything yet, but eventually, one was free. It was broken in half and the blade was nicked in one spot, but it would do. He only needed one.

The first cut was cathartic, beads of blood bubbling across the broken vessels. It was almost kind of pretty to look at. The second and the third and the fourth, those were the ones that he was sure were going to do him in, but just to be sure, he kept going. Over and over, until he couldn't hold onto the razor anymore. It floated away, into the pretty pink water and Gary floated above himself, watching a boy lie in a tub covered in his own blood and his own pity. He didn't regret it, but he wasn't impressed.

Just before the lights faded, there was a silhouette in the mirror. He didn't catch the person, just the movement.

If he only done something else with the notes, his plans would've worked. If he hadn't taped them to the mirror, he'd be dead.

But Gary Smith didn't know that.

* * *

The night that changed Ella's life had started out with nothing extraordinary. It was the end of July and she had summer course work to catch up on, so she headed into town with her backpack and her MP3 player. She always did her best work at the beach, with the smell of salt water and the gentle waves hitting the shore. The beach was quiet, and Ella had always thought that Bullworth was really missing out on some serious tourist cash by not marketing their little piece of the ocean more actively. Although it was nice place to get work done when the weather was warm.

She'd gotten lost in summer reading, _Catcher in the Rye_ clutched between her fingertips when a body loomed above her, blocking the sun with its presence.

"I thought you'd be here when Ricky said you were doing schoolwork." Gary said, holding his hand above his eyes as a shield from the sun. "Haven't you ever heard of the library?"

Ella frowned at him, tugging on the strap of her bathing suit to hide the way her hands wanted to clench at her sides. She was still angry with him for last week, even though she couldn't completely remember why. It'd something do with Bif; of course it did, because they always fought about him. Ella was always doing something wrong and Gary always made sure that she knew about it.

"I thought we had an agreement about things, Gary? I'm still mad at you, and you agreed to give me some room to breathe. Remember?" She sighed, closing her book. It was getting late anyhow, she thought, even as he flopped onto the sand next to her.

"All because I said that your boyfriend probably had a small-" He started, letting the sound of her the back of her hand flapping against his arm finish the sentence. She was very sensitive when it came to Bif's genitalia.

"We agreed, Gary. We came to it mutually."

"You were also mad because I wanted to visit my mom down in Virginia."

She shot him a look, which nearly caught him off guard. "You're not seriously still considering that, right? Please, tell me you came to your senses."

"She's been calling all week. She almost sounds sober."

"Well, yeah, if she calls before ten in the morning, she might _almost_ be sober. She's probably still running on yesterday's vapor. Promise me, Gary, that you won't go."

"I'm not going to promise. You're not the end all-be all of advice, Ella."

She scowled and started to pick up her towel, but he grabbed a corner. "Give it back, Smith."

"Come over later?" He asked instead, catching her eyes in a way that made her feel guilty and consider even maybe changing her answer.

"I have a date with Bif."

It was a lie, but Gary had been acting so strange lately that she'd rather relax at home with her family than go over to his place. Ricky had been punished with house arrest after trying to steal a grapefruit from Yum-Yum market. He'd gotten off with a warning but he still had to deal with the police, and because of his friends and the way he dressed, things were treated more seriously than they should've been. But it was more than just wanting to spend time with her brother.

She loved Gary, but ever since they slept together he felt more like a bomb ready to go off instead of her best friend.

"I see. I'll walk you home?"

He said in such a sensitive way that she smiled and agreed. Their stroll was quiet, they mostly complained about summer homework from teachers that they hadn't even met yet and the dorm rooms they would get as seniors. Ella watched though, carefully, noting the way that Gary kept his left hand in a fist as they shuffled along. She knew that he was mad, he was always mad lately, and wanted to see how long she could dodge the eruption.

At her front stoop, he handed her the beach towel, not bothering to shake it out. "Can I ask you a question?"

She nodded, "Of course."

"Have you been avoiding me?" He looked her square in the eyes, and she could tell that he knew the answer before she opened her lips.

"A little bit."

"Why?"

"You've been acting weird, I guess, I don't know, Gary. Things are really awkward and I feel like it's my fault. I just figured that things would only get worse if we were forced to spend a ton of time together. I mean, they have. We fight all the time, over the silliest things."

"I'm over it, Ella. Seriously. I've completely forgotten."

Ella watched the way he bit his bottom lip, as though he were bracing himself for the worst, and all she could do was watch as her mouth got the worst of her.

"No, you haven't. I can't deal with the guilt of ruining our friendship over something that was a rash decision. I cannot deal, Gary."

"I'm fine."

"No. You're not. We're not. It's not just you. I made a bad decision." Ella felt her nerves clutching around her diaphragm, catching her words. "I can't deal with it."

"I'm fine." Gary repeated again, his hands fluttering to catch hers. "It's okay."

Ella smiled sadly. "I wish you could admit when things are broken, Gar, I wish you could. You are so good at pretending."

"We're not broken. We're solid. We're completely solid."

"No."

He caught her then, caught her fists and brought her close, into the bulk of his body. She didn't know what to do, how to react, so she froze hard, muscles tensing everywhere, and she knew that he could feel it between their flimsy summer clothes.

"Gary, we need a break. We're going to kill ourselves by trying to forget what happened while we're still orbiting each other. We need to space ourselves. Do you understand?" She whispered it into his chest, her lips catching the heather grey of his cotton t-shirt. She could feel his heart between them. It was even, and it made Ella just a little bit afraid. Her own was rasping underneath her sundress.

"No." It was controlling and she immediately hated him just a little bit. "You're all that I have in this world."

"That's sick, Gary. You have plenty of people that love you."

"Name them, I dare you. Name them." He demanded, pushing her away. "Go ahead."

"Pop Smith loves you. I'm sure your mother loves you in some kind of fucked up way, when she's sober. Your father. Dean. Ricky. Me. I love you, Gary. I love you and you're scaring me."

He kissed her then, hard, his mouth grabbing her own, against her will and she reacted the only way that she could manage, the only way that her wriggling body would allow, by galloping backwards and swinging her fist as hard as she could against his jaw. Ella gasped for air and said things that she couldn't control.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She spat, throwing her backpack against the porch floor. "What is wrong with you?"

He didn't answer right away, and when he finally did, he threw his head back and cackled into the humid summer evening. She wasn't sure what to do then, so she stood, mouth agape and watched Gary Smith unravel in front of her very own eyes.

"I guess I'm not good enough for you? I'm not enough for you? I'm a good friend, but we're nothing more than that right? Why does Bif get to be the one that you choose? Why does he get first pick? What makes him so much better than me? What made you choose him? Don't I get a choice, Ella? Don't I get to decide once in a while what happens to me? Don't I?" He took a deep breath. "Despite what you think, you're all that I have, Ella. You're it and I can't lose you. Please, Ella. Please."

Her eyes filled with tears. "Gary, I know. I understand. I don't know what else to do. I don't. Tell me, okay? Tell me what you want, and I'll try, okay?"

He stepped back, before answering, "Don't leave me, please. Don't go."

She didn't want to say it, not really, but it needed to be said. She needed it. "I've decided that maybe we shouldn't be friends for a while." She whispered, her eyes pointed towards her flip-flops. "Ever since we... Ever since we slept together, things have been too tense. I think that maybe we should just be apart from one another."

"Ella." He pushed her, maybe just to jar her, maybe to scare her, but she barely noticed.

"Just for a week or so. Maybe 'til we get back to school. Please? Tell me you understand?" She asked, watching in horror as he descended the front stairs. "Gary?"

"I get it. It's fine. We're okay, El. Don't worry."

"Gary, come on. I'm not going anywhere."

He smiled for a brief second. "I know. We're good, Ella."

He walked across the street and waved before he went inside. She wasn't sure what else to do, so she picked up her things and walked inside. Ricky had been asleep, taking a nap after being up all night watching bad television, and she was glad. If he'd been awake, he probably would've gone outside to see what the commotion was, and Ricky always sided with her.

Her parents hadn't noticed her detachment at first, or at least they didn't mention it outwardly, but a glance exchanged between the pair was enough to breech the subject during dinner.

"I fought with Gary."

"Oh. Just apologize." Ricky said with a shrug.

"You don't understand. Gary holds grudges better than anybody I know."

"Other than yourself? Because you're pretty good, from what I understand." Her father commented with a wink and a grin. "But he's your best friend. He'll get over it."

"I don't think so. It was a big blowout. I'm just going to steer clear for a while." Ella resolved, catching her mother's eyes.

"I'm sure you don't want to discuss what it was about-"

"No."

"But, I'm sure it if you don't go across the street right now, it will eat at you for the rest of your life." She finished, watching Ella closely.

Ella sighed, pushing a piece of chicken with her fork. "Fine. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Don't clear my plate."

The sun had gone down and the night had gotten cold, the wind off the water cooling the town. She shivered as she climbed the stairs and as her knuckles hit the worn wood of the doorframe.

No answer. She knocked again but there was no movement inside of the house. He was home, that she knew from the lights, which Pop would've turned off if they both went out, so she twisted the door handle. It was open. She had a key, but she would've had to go back home to get it.

"Gary?" She called. "It's Ella. I want to talk, is that okay?"

Silence. Nothing. She thought that maybe he was upstairs, listening to music with headphones on, which he usually did when he was upset, so she rounded the first couple steps with only a little bit of apprehension tugging at her.

His room was empty, and she thought that maybe he'd gone out after all, to blow off steam. She felt stupid and turned on her heel when she looked on the other side of the hall to the bathroom. The door was open slightly but the light wasn't on, only the glowing nightlight plugged on the side of the pedestal sink. That wasn't odd, that's how it was normally kept, but there was something wrong with the mirror. Normally, she could catch her reflection from her spot in the doorway, but there was something blocking it. Curious, she took a few steps to nudge the door, waiting for the mirror to give up her reflection, but all she saw were three white squares, and from the hall she could see words scrawled on them. Harder now, she edged the door open so that she could fit through.

Her name caught her attention initially, but it was the figure in the tub that jarred her. Perhaps Gary had been in there the whole time, trying to ignore her to get Ella to leave. In the dim light, she fumbled to get out, catching her sandal on the wet tile.

"I'm sorry, Gar, I had no idea you were in here." She murmured, struggling to find the light switch because he didn't answer and she wanted to look him in the eyes if he was going to be so stubborn.

Time ceased to exist as Ella saw the crimson water, and it was only the shrill sound of her screams that pulled her from shock, increasingly louder and combined with violent tears. The phone in Pop's room seemed miles away as Ella managed to untangle herself from her emotions and pound in three numbers that she never wanted to use, not like this, not because of this and she listened as calmly as possible to the female voice on the line, who said help would be there soon.

She went back to the bathroom, and he was there, mouth agape, eyes still open and Ella pressed herself into the porcelain grabbing his hand, noting that his right arm was untouched, perfectly fine, and then she gently took his left palm against hers. She'd never seen anything like that, not even in movies and she was sure that he was dead. Blood seemed to coming from everywhere, from his wrist to the crook of his elbow, and Ella knew. She knew it in her bones, but she searched quickly, for anything that might help before pulling the elastic headband she'd been wearing out of her hair. Looping it above his elbow, Ella tightened it so hard that she watched his lips twitch as it bit his skin.

"Please, Gary, just hold on a little bit longer, please." She whispered, holding his left arm above his head. "Please!"

"El?" His mouth didn't move, but she heard it, she heard the wheeze from his lungs just before she heard the footsteps on the porch.

"Gary. Just keep breathing, please. Focus on my voice."

"Ella, I'm sleepy." He smiled briefly, and she wished that the happiness hadn't been caused by the violence he'd committed against himself. "El, I'm sleepy. I love you, though."

"I love you too, Gary."

The paramedics pushed her aside then, banished her into the hallway where she cowered in the corner, soaked with his blood, shaking. Tears flooded her vision, blurring as they carried him out of the bathroom. She was almost sure that he was completely covered by that sheet. Head to toe. She cried harder, as Ricky picked her up, gently coaxing her into his car to bring her to the hospital, and she wasn't sure what was worse, knowing that he was dead, or knowing that he was dead and it was completely her fault.

But at five the next morning, the doctors told them that he was stable finally, but he'd lost a lot of blood. They'd fixed him, Ricky said, shaking her by the shoulders.

Ella wasn't that optimistic.


End file.
